


Hetalia :Things you leave behind

by SouthernLolita



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: 2P, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Anxiety, Depression, Drinking, FACE Family, Historical References, I Will Go Down With This Ship, M/M, Past Mpreg, Recreational Drug Use, Self-Harm, canada is not ok, fetish exploration, prussia is not okay, sparkel partys, split personality
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-02-21
Updated: 2018-02-07
Packaged: 2018-03-14 08:29:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 30
Words: 82,030
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3403865
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SouthernLolita/pseuds/SouthernLolita
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Canada begins to spiral when years of bottled anger and depression begin to change the once kind quiet country . Prussia struggles to find where he as a dead nation really belongs , and finds it in a pair of sad indigo eyes . Moving forward is hard to do but we all have things we need to leave behind to do so .</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. What Brothers Are For

**What Brothers are for**  
  
  


Italy woke up with a jolt to the blare of music, rather loud marching band music . Namely- Preußens Gloria (Prussia glory march) coming from the basement .The once peaceful night at Mr.Germany's house had apparently come to an abrupt end much to the little Italians dismay.  

Feliciano shifted away from the warmth of his bed mate to look over at the alarm clock .  

Italy groaned ,the glowing green numbers read 4:36 .Such an ungodly hour to be awake . "Ve..." he sighed looking over at Germany who was still in a dead sleep , clearly he'd gotten used to this potentially even found the sound comforting . Feli however had yet to be so accepting and wasn't very fond of being woken up by the Germans older brothers quirks .

"Ve...Germany!!...hey Germany!!!" He wined trying to shake the large blonde awake

Germany just grunted and clung to his pillow mumbling something about not wanting pasta . The Italian of course was having none of this he was determined to wake his Luddy and make him go down and do something about his brother .After all he needed his beauty rest for cooking pasta. Set in his mind the slighter male straddled the slumbering blondes back and Breathed softly on the shell of his ear . Letting his lip grace the skin ever so gently. as he spoke .

" Ludwig ..." He whispered in a sultry voice . A smile crossing Italy's face..that did it he knew it did. Feli was certainly more devious than he looked.

Germany's eyes snapped open at the feeling . A shiver raced down his back among tingling and calling up sensation in .other areas . "Ja...Italy vat is it .." he said honestly hoping he'd been woken up for ..what he liked to call 'night maneuvers'.

"Veeee Germany , he's doing it again! "

The blonde became aware of the sound of band music at this point and groaned fisting the bed sheets , he knew what this meant . A very drunk Prussian was having a .."moment" and those where usually quite awkward . Along with this realization came the other that there would likely be nothing sweet from his little Italia, should calming down Gilbert be unsuccessful . As sweet as the little redhead looked , sleep deprivation made him behave more like his brother Romano.And Ludwig honestly didn't want another Italian calling him a bastard .

Germany sighed heavily getting up on his elbows , Italy still seated on his lower back. " ja, alright vit any luck he's passed out ."

" Feli... you might vant to get off me if you vant me to do zomezing about it."

"veee .... sorry Germany !" the smaller male blushed crawling back to his side of the bed .

Ludwig simply shook his head , really was a good nights sleep so much to ask for ? he thought to him self as he made his way down the stairs . Upon reaching the living room he realized to his horror the problem was more than just his brother oh yes it was likely the entire Bad touch trio .

He rubbed a tired hand across his face. "Mine gott .."(My God)

Laying on the sofa was Spain and what he assumed was Romano as he could only make out a tuft of dark hair from under the top on the blanket and a tangle of bare legs from the other end. he had no way of knowing their state of dress either and made a mental note to drag that couch out and burn it in the morning .

The music got louder as the blonde reached the basement stairs . which to no surprise where littered with beer and wine bottles . Ludwig rubbed his face , this was getting old he loved Gilbert but really he felt like he was the elder sometimes .

Reaching the bedroom he spotted France on his brothers bed in a mess of sheets with two women ,likely strippers given the large platform heels and sparkly bits of fabric to small to be real clothing , strone about the floor .

Last but not least he finally caught sight of Prussia. Passed out by the stereo thankfully still in his underwear .Not that he hadn't seen worse he just would rather not want to make a habit of seeing the albino in the buff .

A frown slipped onto the German's face looking down at his elder sibling before heading over to switch off the stereo . Now with the silence once again taking over the house the task became what to do with Gilbert . He couldn't very well put him in bed not knowing if one of the girls currently cuddled up to the french man came home with Prussia or not . Music was bad enough he certainly didn't want to wake up in a few hours to screaming .

One option left ...carry the drunk to the guest room . joy

Germany slung his still unconscious brother over his shoulder and started up the stairs ."Bruder, was ich mit dir zu tun"(Brother what will i do with you) He said quietly walking through the dimly lit house . The only light was speckles of moonlight through the windows . The only sound save for the heavy bare footsteps on the wood floor was Prussia's occasional groan . Ludwig honestly hoped his brother wouldn't vomit down his back , something that had also happened before .

Once in the small guest room Ludwig tried to ..as kindly as possible deposit his intoxicated cargo on the the bed . He gave another exasperated sigh pulling a chair over and sitting at the bed side looking at the sleeping male before him .

His heart broke seeing the tear streaked face of his brother .The elder Germans body was littered with old scars. Each one Prussia was so fond of bragging about when he was a little drunk ..or even sober .Though there was one he would never speak about . Ludwig remembered the first time he woke up to the sounds of the Gloria march ,the first time he had seen that scar all those years ago .

* * *

 

     They had returned home after Germany picked up Prussia from Russia's house . After the war and Prussia's dissolve the elder German brother was forced to move in with the Soviet. The day they had taken the former Knight he held his head high . That ever present grin plastered on his face . Prussia had even gone as far as to laugh at the Russian. Saying  "Hope you have German Beers at you house Russia  cuz  the Awesome me only drinks the most Awesome Beer . Kesesesesses"  
Germany didn't get to see much of his brother after that , and the few times he did he didn't like what he saw . That uneasy stillness in the Albinos eyes , the way he sat at Russia's side quietly with his arms crossed at meeting never speaking to any one . Looking as if he hadn't slept in weeks , It was hard for Ludwig to wonder what was going on behind the closed doors in the frozen north nation .  
  


That first night back Ludwig had been laying in bed when the music shocked him awake . Not that his dreams in those days where ,much better. He had nightmares most nights about the war , being separated from Italy didn't help .  Germany dashed through the house having no idea what was going on only to find his brother quite drunk and shirtless on his knees in front of an old gramophone ,the source of the music . Ludwig stood in the door way about to launch into a tirade when he noticed the paler males shoulders shaking .

    The words of indignation died on his lips staring at his brother , as much as he always hated to admit it he looked up to Prussia, he loved him .He had always see him as this strong amazing person when he was young . The brave Knight that scared the monsters away . It tore into him looking there at the shattered image ,the shadow of a man he once saw as a hero , who carried him on his shoulders and told him how one day he would be big and strong just like Grandfather Germania .  
     The man he had seen off to battle so many times who always returned with a smile on his face no matter the wounds he had sustained . For as long as he could remember Ludwig had never seen his big brother cry .Never seen him ever show fear even on the front lines Prussia would have the fire and Passion in his eyes for the fight . Even if the world around him was crumbling to fire and being decimated by cannon blasts he stood there leading the charge . As big as his ego was , he had earned it in some respects .But now the man before him was a dead nation .

Germany had slipped into the darkness of the hall away from the door and sat in the kitchen waiting for the sounds of sobbing to stop . He couldn't see Prussia like that , he wasn't ready to accept it . Because accepting it meant that he had lost the brother he knew .It was a selfish act to sit there in the kitchen in the dark waiting . Yet It was all the younger German could think to do .

* * *

 

To this day Ludwig regretted his cowardice , regretted never questioning why or offering comfort . But he never thought the proud man his brother Gilbert was would have accepted such comfort . Or maybe this was the lie he told himself , the distance he had placed there as a way to protect both men  . Germany sighed getting up from his chair pulling a blanket up to cover his brother . He left the room with out looking back just as he always had . The same way he had the first time and every time since .

* * *

 

**Elsewhere another nation was also finding it difficult to sleep.**

Sitting on the window seat staring out at the lake outside his secluded cabin home , watching moon playing a soft luminescent reflection over the waters glass like surface was Matthew Williams . Also known or, rather unknown as the case may be depending who you ask,  as Canada .

The blonde stared down at his cellphone, the time 10:46pm. 5 missed texts, 2 voice mail messages,and 3 Missed calls . He had skipped the last world meeting thinking honestly no one would notice, to his surprise his family actually did notice . But then again it was a full 2 weeks before they acknowledged it he supposed rather late than never . Thumbing through the Texts he wasn't surprised to see they where all from America . His Twin brother wasn't a fan of actual phone calls if he could help it .

 **Message 1 from : HamburgerHero** ( Canada thought this was a funny way to put his brothers contact info in. Alfred doesn't know about this )  
**Y0 Bro ;) HowRU TXT me Bk**

**Message 2 from : HamburgerHero**  
**Bro Hvnt Hrd Frm U . RU ok ?**

**Message 3 from : HamburgerHero**  
**If its Abt the Cuba thing I said Im Sorry**

**Message 4 from : HamburgerHero**  
**Mattie...answer ur hero bros txts**

**Message 5 from : HamburgerHero**  
**srsly Mattie ...**

The 3 missed calls where from America ,England ,and France . The Little Canadian didn't expect his brother to have left a voice mail which left only two options left , his fathers . The boy sighed abit before pressing play he realized he should have answered them when they called but honestly at the time he didn't want to talk...or move..or do much of anything .

 **Voice Message 1 :** _"Bonjour, mon petit Matthieu, your Papa is very worried . Alfred zed e' couldn't reach you . You where no at ze last meeting mon cher ,and you non anzer your o'm phone or cell phone . S'il vous plaît Matthieu call your papa back dear, I will be with Prussia and Spain if you need me"_

Canada smiled a bit , Papa France always remembered him . Even if the man was a bit of a drunk and not 100% reliable . He did try , After His papa and England parted ways ..over a petty argument as usual . Francis had aided Alfred during the revolution which had created an even deeper rift between their parents . Over the years the two elder nations had tried to reconcile but it was like oil and water most times despite the love that was still there the stubbornness often over rode everything else . But Matthew did love his family as ..dysfunctional as they where .He wished more than anything things could be like they where when he and his brother where small .

**Voice message 2 :** _"ello Lad, just checking in .The git and the frog are worried about you . I told them to leave you be for a bit . Although if you need someone to speak to just ring me up alright luv? Right, well take care Matthew . "_

Just like the Brit , short and to the point but it was sweet. Canada know the Englishmen was hard pressed to show much affection since he and American had grown up .Matthew had often wondered if Arthur , or Mum as he allowed them to call him when they where very small , held some resentment toward him for being closer to France wanting so desperately to stay with his papa . Matthew still could remember the day Francis had to leave him . He had never screamed so loud in his life or since . After that he just folded into him self and in thinking back that was when he first started to as he calls it now "disappear".

Canada decided to text back his brother if for no other reason so the American wouldn't come barging up there .As thoughtless and overbearing as Alfred could be he did love his brother . Mathew told the American he was fine and that he'd be at the next meeting assuring him with a lie that he overslept and missed his flight.Of course Al bought it . 

   Setting the phone down the little blonde climb into the large bed and curled up next to his little polar bear . He wondered why he tried , for people who loved him ? Or did they just feel an obligation maybe that's all it was he was just a burden . As big of a nation as he was , as many battles as he had been in . Why was it only a handful of people seemed to remember him, why was it that the people he loved couldn't even all be in the same room together with out wanting to tear another head off ?.  
   He wanted that warm feeling he had as a child back , he had missed it for so long the feeling of being loved and protected . But all that was a distant memory he thought , no one worries about Canada. Mathew drifted off to another night or chased sleep accepting the emptiness that enveloped him hoping he would get more than an hour silently pray it would spirit him away  to peace and rest .

He needed it .


	2. Parting Glass

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning, mentions of past mpreg.

**Parting Glass**

 

A rather hungover Prussian awoke after too few hours of sleep to the smell of coffee and wurst .

Gilbert squinted his tried eyes quickly determining he wasn't in his room . The wall clock read 9 am, of course that meant Ludwig was likely the only one awake other than himself. While the smell of the coffee was tempting, the need to brush his teeth and find pants was slightly more important than the lure of caffeine .

With a groan and a stretch Gilbert started out across the house, peering around the corner before dashing down the hall. The last thing he needed was having to hear Germany scold him again. Making it to the living room he saw Romano sitting up in Spain's lap trying to slap the taller nation awake .

 

"wake up tomato bastard!!!" Lovino whisper yelled not noticing Gilbert sneaking past quietly laughing .

"ugh...shhhh Romano ..boss is sleeping ." Spain groan pulling the now red faced and still nude Italian down onto his chest . "mmmmm Ti amo Lovi .."

 

Gilbert just shook his head and headed down the stairs to the basement passing two rather tired looking and equally  hungover young ladies on their way up . He offered them both a smile and they excused them selves in German and broken English quick to make the walk of shame out of the house .

"kesesessesess... das bad touch trio strikes again ..ve are so awesome...vell..i am so Awesome ." He said to himself wandering into the basement room . The bed was still in shambles but the albino was able to locate a pair of navy blue cargo pants and slip them on . With the pants situation settled now was just the mater of the fuzzy teeth.

"Morning Mon ami!" France called from the bathroom, the mans state of dress or rather 'undress' nearly blinding the poor Prussian .

"Mine Gott! Francis ! Vhy can't you vhere normal underpantz! " Prussia groaned dramatically covering his eyes and falling over onto the mattress at the sight of the Frenchmen loitering in his bathroom wearing a jock strap. Far to much on display in the backless pants that Gilbert ever wanted to see. "Mine eyez...oh das not Awesome ... Verdammt ...i am blind.." Gilbert muttered to him self .

" oh you are over reacting Gilbert ! and zese are normal for moi! .. you know maybe if you wore something like zis you  might like it !. hon hon hon ..is freeing oui! ." France laughed and finally put on a pair of trousers .

Finally peeking through his hands Prussia found it was safe to uncover his eyes . "Nien! I need more fabric than that to cover mien Awesome ass! ."

Prussia then drug himself into a semi vertical position, the spinning of the room hardly manageable as he stumbled into the bathroom to finish his morning routine brushing his teeth and ..haphazardly taking a comb to his untamed white locks . When he finally emerged he noticed Francis chewing on his own thumb with a rather concerned look on his face staring down at the cell phone the man held as if the little device had just insulted his cooking .

"Was..that face..for ." He'd only seen his friend look that way a had full of times . it usually meant something was very wrong ...or he was out of wine.

" O ..is nothing mon ami ," the blond said in a near whisper still looking at the offending mobile .

"..its somezing to make you look like that! ooooo did eyebrows tell you to fuck off again! keseseses " Gilbert laughed walking over to snatch the phone expecting to read some curse filled rejection letter from the Frenchman's ex .  
  
  


**Message from :Angelterre**

**Received : 5 mins ago**

_" Matthew rang me, its something like 2am there now . The Lad was sobbing and sounded drunk. I have sent Alfred to tend to him since he is closer . Thought you should know . - Arthur "_   
  
  


After reading the message the grin fell from the albinos face handing the phone back. "Matthew, das Canada yeah..yours and Eyebrows kid ." Prussia fidgeted a bit stuffing his hands in his pockets still looking at the rather worried look in Francis's eyes.

"Oui, I don't understand zis ..Mon Mathieu never drinks, I mean i 'ave given em wine for 'oliday gifts before but , 'e 'as always said alcohol made em feel badly .. so zen ..." France's words seem to drop off as the troubled man sat heavily in a near by chair running troubled fingers through long golden locks .

"Gilbert , I just don't know w'at to do with the boy lately .. I admit i 'aven't been the best Papa ..and 'e is a sensitive boy. 'e just ..is so quiet you know . Angelterre and I we ... 'aven't paid as much attention to 'im i suppose . "

Prussia shifted from foot to foot, he didn't really know what to say. " I never had das problem vith West vhen he vas a kinder he vas mature for to be so small, Just as his big bruder I never scolded him much. But hey ! Your an Awesome Vatti!! Francis ! . und you know i don't zay dat to just anyvone . "

"Merci mon ami , I suppose i shall see if i can get a flight out to Canada . See mon petti for my self . " Francis smiled brightly getting up hugging his Prussian friend .

Gilbert while slightly reluctant did hug back . " Plus hez just got Awesomely drunk! like his Vatti! was the worst that could happen! "

* * *

**In Canada**   
  


Having woken up in the middle of the night as usual Canada had honestly had it . It was official, he was spent and exhausted and couldn't take it anymore . After days of less than three hours of sleep and lethargy the nation was both annoyed and desperate . When the idea suddenly came to him . "Uncle Scotland always says something about a whiskey before bed doesn't he ...I don't like to drink but ..why the hell not eh ."  

Having located a bottle, a gift his Uncle Alistair from the past Christmas, collecting dust in the pantry . After the first glass the little Canadian fought the fire in his throat and just kept drinking . Unfortunately Matthew takes after his "mother" on being a bit of a light weight .

Now a sloppy, pouty, and very drunk blonde was stumbling around his home still clutching an over half empty bottle to his chest . Locating the one thing everyone needs when their smashed beyond measure...a cell phone .. time for drunk dialing .  
  
  


Matthew had found his way out on the back deck listening at the ringing on the other line . Sniffling slightly his face flushed a bright red and missing his glasses, they had fallen off into oblivion known as the living room . He simply couldn't find them when everything was moving like it was .

Soon a half asleep Englishmen answered the phone .

"Who the bloody hell is this I swear to God Alfred if this is you Calling to tell me something stupid I'm getting on the next flight and cramming that phone down your throat you git! "

The line was silent for a moment before the sounds soft shaky breathing came from the receiver, Arthur knew it wasn't America at this point and it only served to boil his blood even further .

"Francis you smelly Frog is that you !! stop breathing on the line you wanker!" But before England could slam the phone down he heard a small tearful voice come on the line that stopped him cold .

_"..M.Mama .."_

Something in the Brits heart clenched hearing it, the boys hadn't called him that in quiet some time, in fact he stopped encouraging it ..with very little help from a certain Frenchmen who still thought it was fitting . Arthur had insisted that when the boys were old enough to talk properly, to call him Dad . Yet still in moments of trouble his sons still called out for there "mother". So hearing the phrase sent a cold chill through him knowing something wasn't right .

_"Mama..."_ The voice spoke again, louder now and even more needy.

"Yes, Matthew Love is that you dear .. what's the matter?  Are you alright sweetheart?" holding the phone in both hands Arthur sat up throwing his legs out of the bed should he need to get up and start getting dressed .

_"I.. i don't know ."_ The sobbing intensified at this point only serving to worry the elder nation even more .

"Love you must know, now come on take a breath alright and calm down and tell me what's wrong.:"

_"You ..*hic* you love me right .."_ A bushy eyebrow quirked at this question .

"Matthew of course I do your my son . Why wouldn't I, I love you and Alfred both, now whats this about ? "

_"*hic* ...I ..I don't think you do ...*hic* you jus..forget moi .."_ Arthur shook his he'd now he recognized this speech pattern though it seemed unusual for his quiet little Canada . Still he did take after France .

"Son are you drunk ? "

The line was silent that was all the confirmation the Brit needed now he was just annoyed .

"Just like your father, Matthew i thought you knew better than to get so pissed and then go calling people crying like a lunatic . I swear i thought i raised you better . "

_"Vous ne m'aimez! You dont! parce que je ressemble à papa! "_ To the elders surprise his usually quiet son was shouting hoarsely between sobs into the phone . Some what able to pick out a few words in french about "don't love me " and " look like papa" .It was enough to piece together what the drunken young man was screeching and it broke his fathers heart .

"Now that is not true Matthew ! You need to calm down right now and go to sleep . Your not in your right mind right now lad ."

Canada's voice lowered again sniffling into the phone. _"tu me hais comme vous le détestez... I know its true .. that's why you forget me sometimes... so you can forget him *hic* Why can't we just be a family again ... pourquoi? Papa still loves you ..so why ..* hic* you can't... you can't try ?"_

England rubbed the bridge of his nose letting out a sigh . " Darling please go to sleep I know your upset right now but you need to sober up alright . We can talk about this when your in a better state alright love? ."

Canada cried  more before a saying _" Alright"_ The two nations bid each other goodbye .

Arthur sat there a moment rubbing his temples and decided to call Alfred , he knew it was the middle of the night but someone needed to be with Mathew and it would take both himself and France to long to get there . He didn't want his baby boy alone and drunk out in the wilderness where the little Canadian lived .  

Alfred who was apparently still awake at the ungodly hour playing Call of duty with his alien friend Tony readily agreed to go check on his brother as it would only be about a four or so hour drive from his current location to cross the border at be at his brothers Cabin .Specially with how the American drove his truck, a large Ford F250, England thought it would be closer to two hours. Alfred ended their conversation declaring "Not to worry pops! the hero is on his way!"  

The Englishmen also sent a text to his sons father. He wasn't sure if Francis would even be alive being that it was morning and the weekend, he was likely passed out some where or nursing a hangover . But still, he knew how close Matthew was to his papa; so if the frog was awake he'd want to know .

Arthur ran worried fingers through his hair thinking about his shy boys words . _.'you forget me because you want to forget him '_ and _" papa still loves you "_ he knew that wasn't just the booze talking .  As they say a ' A drunken mind reflects a sober heart' .  
Perhaps Francis did still feel something, and perhaps he did to . He had no idea this had affected the boy so much . It tore him apart to think his sweet little Matthew had gotten this way, it was true perhaps in a way he had forgotten about the boy . Not because he didn't love him or because of how much he reminded him of Francis.   
He left Canada on his own because he knew the boy would be alright . He wasn't like Alfred always getting into everything . He was his good quiet child, and now Arthur realized that in that silence he'd left one of his babies to suffer alone . He forced away the one person who would have been there when he couldn't . All over petty disputes ,misunderstandings, and sheer stubbornness.   
  
Arthur had been a fool. 

Getting up crossing his bedroom green eyes locked on a framed sketch, Francis had drawn years ago, it was of the boys as infants swaddled in blankets in his arms laying in the middle of the bed propped up on pillows . They where all looking so peaceful as they slept. His mind traced back to the memory captured there on faded paper . He had woken up to see blue eyes smiling sitting in a chair across from the bed sketchbook on his lap . Things where different then they where simpler he wondered faintly running his fingers along the edge of the frame . Could they be that way again ?


	3. Hero

**Hero**

It only took America a few hours to finally reach his brothers cabin. The modest home was tucked way in the nature reserve, far away from the city and prying eyes . Matthew had always preferred being among his land. Alfred had once felt the same way but slowly became accustom to the bustle and thrill of life in his cities.

  
The sun was coming up to greet the new day and had been drizzling rain since he passed the border. He stopped only once for coffee, black with tons of sugar, beginning to regret his late night gaming with Tony .

Alfred had been surprised when his father called asking him to check up on Matthew; mostly because when it came to helping out your drunk brother things where usually the other way around. In-fact he couldn't remember the last time the Canadian had gotten sloshed . Which did cause him to worry, chewing his bottom lip half the car ride wondering if his quiet twin had stumbled out into the woods completely plastered and fell off a cliff or gotten attacked by an angry moose. Canada was very capable outdoors that much Alfred knew, but drunk? The last time America got drunk he ended up in his briefs on mount Rushmore ..they don't talk about that anymore .

When he pulled up the gravel drive Alfred tried his best to quell any fear he may have . He was a hero after all and as a hero you have no fear,  that whole _"never let them see you sweat"_ thing meant a lot to Alfred . If his brother needed him he was going to be there.  After all Matthew was the very first person to ever call him a hero .

* * *

 

"Mattie's prolly passed out by the crapper or something, yeah he's more than likely totally fine . He's Canada.." Alfred told himself as he pushed open the front door that his brother rarely locked home . Using the excuse _" I own a bear ..who is going to break in ?"_

Referring to the _"fierce"_ Kumajiro whom had grown over the years but was still only slightly larger than a St.Bernard and when he wasn't eating he was sleeping so his _"guarding abilities_ " were fairly questionable.

"Mattie ! the hero's here where are ya dude !" the blonde called out as he stepped in the dark entry hall.

America began wandering through the house his worries only mounting upon seeing the table that once held family photos over turned . He adjusted Texas on the bridge of his nose as he knelt down regarding the scatter of broken glass from the frames. Remnants of what was once their happy family, lay battered on the hardwood floor. The pieces crunched underfoot as he made his way down the hall .

"Matthew ...?" he said a bit gentler reaching the bedroom door that was ajar .

Alfred noticed the small lump in the center of the bed stir . Getting his hopes up that his brother made the smart choice and took himself to bed as England had suggested . Unfortunately when a small white muzzle with a shiny black nose popped out from under the sheet all that hope was dashed .

"America ?" Kumajiro questioned, the bear freeing his head from the covers

"yeah dude, hey where's Mattie at ?"

"who?" the bear cocked his head to the side .

"Canada ."

"...................who?"

Alfred was starting to lose patience for the insufferable ice bear . Even if the creature had grown some since he and his brother where children it was more or less useless. The pesky ursine was still as dumb as a sack of hammers as far as the American was concerned.

" ugh stupid bear the guy who feeds you ! Looks like me only scrawny with longer hair ! "

"ooooh ...... he went outside ."

That's exactly what America had hoped not to hear .

"awww shit ! " Alfred darted toward the back deck calling for his intoxicated twin .

Half way down the deck stairs he noticed the trail of clothing . Fallowing his clues he ended up at the short pier on the lake behind the Canadian's cabin .

It was still pattering a chilling rain along with the wind through the forest; cumulatively made the autumn dawn feel that much colder. Standing on the little wooden dock  pulling his leather jacket tight around him, Alfred looked out on the lake . He dreaded the thought that his brother had really jumped in the cold dark water naked, but that's exactly what it looked like .

"Mattie ! " America cupped his hands and shouted through the morning fog drifting over the lake . The silence that fallowed only serving to mount the anxiety already clutching his chest .

A horrible idea crept into the blonds mind . What if his brother had drowned ?... he couldn't handle that, he couldn't lose his brother . They where nations surely they couldn't die like that ..right ? A nations body could take an amazing amount of punishment after all. 

" Mattie!! Answer me!!"

Just when Alfred thought the worst had transpired, the fog began to part revealing a floating platform in the lakes center . The American squinted his eyes training it on the space and his heart lept . There curled up on the buoyant structure was a human form .

"Mattie ! Dude ! Wake up it's me Al " He shouted bouncing on the balls of his feet .

He assumed the Canadian would be hungover and annoyed from being woken up . But he was alive and not at the bottom of  the lake,  that's all that mattered . Alfred shouted a few more times and began growing uneasy at the fact there seemed to be no movement at all on the platform . It finally dawned on him what time it was and what time their father had called him.

Had Mathew been out there half the night, soaking wet and bare as the day he was born in these temperatures ?

"oh fuck ..." the wheels where turning now . America stripped off his clothes, he needed to get out to his brother and fast .

* * *

**(America POV!)**

I shivered in the cold air, really regretting going commando right now. Seriously I feel like Dad mentioned something about wearing underpants during emergency.. or was that  clean underwear for an accident. I think though if you had an accident your almost sure to shit your pants so really whats the point of that. Any way sans-pants aside its cold as tits..But as the hero I am i have to save my brother. Maybe the waters not as cold as it looks ?

Taking a running leap off the dock I made a wicked sweet swan dive . And yes the water was as cold as it looked .

"HOOOO FUCK!" I shouted when I came up seriously this was like swimming in Ice tea , I love Ice tea by the way .

After swimming across Canada's cold ass lake I finally made it to the platform . I have to admit I don't think i could have made it this far drunk so i have to hand it to him there.

"Mattie ! , I swear dude! I'll be lucky if i see my nuts by spring its so damn cold .....Mattie? .." I turned around and noticed he still wasn't moving .

Chewing on my bottom lip i knelt down and shook him, I jerked my hand back right away feeling how cold he was . I was sure he was dead .

* * *

 

America was officially panicking, and for a hero this can be pretty troubling .

"Mattie" He yelled and turned the cold clammy body of his brother on his back . The boys coloring did even more to frighten the larger male . Canada's lips where hazy blue his chest scarcely moving from his shallow breaths .

"Oh ..Jesus Matt.." Alfred quickly tried his best to calm down searching for the weak pulse at his brothers neck .

The American gave a look back at the water, his original plan had been to wake up the hungover Canadian and help him swim back . But now he dismissed the idea of even trying to swim back holding Matthew .Thinking the exposure to the cold water would only make things worse . Thank god for plan B's America loved plan B's .

Looking around he noticed the platform was anchored with chains at its four corners . Making use of his strength Alfred broke all the chains now effectively setting the structure a drift . Climbing back into the water again he employed the use of his freakish physicality becoming a human motor of sorts pushing the the platform back to the dock .

Once back on land he threw on his jeans and boots using his t-shirt to dry off them both and wrapping his nude brother in his bomber jacket .Carrying the near frozen unconscious boy into the house . He needed to warm up Matthew and do it soon . Even if the Canadian was used to colder temperatures being drunk and getting  Hypothermia wasn't good for anyone .

* * *

 

America had bundled his brother in several blankets and pushed the sofa closer to the fire. Alfred didn't bother dressing him, being decent seemed less important at the moment . He had tried calling both of their parents but the calls went straight to voice mail. He hated talking to machines, Alfred figured they were on their flights by now if the phones were off . Or in their father England's case he could have just gotten confused and turned it off. The elder nation still hadn't fully mastered his iPhone .

In the mean time Alfred sunk down onto the sofa pulling his brother onto his lap still trying to wake the Canadian . "Mattie come on bro, you need to open your eyes ." He spoke softly patting the other blonds face .

"hnngg.." His heart lightened at the slight groan emitted by the smaller male .

soon the soft long golden eyelashes flickered in acknowledgement to the voice above and a pair of indigo eyes met blue . "Mattie its me Alfred can you hear me dude ? "

Unfortunately Canada's eyes fluttered closed again with out answering his brother. America sighed leaning his head back on the sofa, a hand place protectively on the sleeping males chest . He stared up at the ceiling his usual care free grin melting off of his face . He wondered what had happened to his brother, his family , hell even to himself. When did they become so broken?

Turning his head his blue glittering orbs clear and beautiful enough to rival the Utah sky, fell on the remnants of memories strewn across the floor . Christmas, and birthdays, World meetings,and a handful of other occasions. There where a few photos on the walls all seemed to have meet a similar fates, glass splintered frames bashed . The culprit of the destruction a hockey stick was still propped up on against the sliding door heading out to the back deck .

"Oh Mattie... I wish I could make it better I really do .."

* * *

 

America found himself waking up with out realizing he had fallen asleep . What woke him was licking and somewhat painfully chewing on his fingers by a persistent polar bear .

"ughh.....shit..What time is it dude? " He said looking down at the bear who was still abusing his hand .

"Lunch time ...hungry .." Kuma growled slightly before padding off to the kitchen

Alfred rolled his eyes and looked at his watch, "Quarter past noon" He mumbled before looking down at his brother who didn't appear to have moved since he last laid eyes on him. Which didn't make him feel any better . America sat up shifting Matthew from his lap touching the slighter males face after he'd gotten up, frowning at the heat radiating off the flesh . He wondered if it was from the fire place his skin was hot as well from sitting so close to the fire . Dismissing any worries he smiled agreeing with his assumption and going to switch off the gas hearth . "He'll be fine ." he said allowed to the empty house .

"alright kuma I'll feed your furry ass just hold on. " Alfred said as he entered the kitchen eying the bear already holding his bowl expectantly .

Alfred took out a bag of raw fish labeled for the bear , Screwing up his face as he dumped the slightly bloody an smelly trout into the bowl .

After slating the ursine's hunger America set to raiding the fridge himself . Finding some cold pizza and soda , not a Burger but good enough .

After finishing up Alfred headed back to check on his brother. The Canadian still felt too warm and was sweating some . Alfred tucked his bottom lip between his teeth starring down at his twin . " oh Mattie I don't know what to do ."

As if an answer to his prayers the door bell rang . Alfred leaped over the sofa shouting " coming ! " as he bounded to the door flinging it open . " Oh dude am I glad to see you !"   
  
American threw his arms around the shorter blond male hoisting him up into a  bone-crushing  hug . Causing the others furry brows to knit together in discomfort . " Let me down you git! "  
  
When England finally found his footing again from his sons over enthusiastic greeting , he took in the appearance of the home . Arthur gaped, looking around at the disheveled sight of the usually neat as a pin home of his quiet Canada . "What in Gods name...."   
  
"oh before you say anything, it was like this when i got here ." Alfred added a touch defensively   
  
"I wasn't assuming you did it ." Green eyes glared back at the American .  
"Where's Matthew ?"    
  
America slipped up behind his father placing a hand on the shorter mans shoulder . "There's something i should tell you . "   
  
England didn't like the sound of that, or how serious Alfred sounded .

"Whats wrong" He whirled around dropping his bag eying the taller blonde who was now looking away gnawing on his already abused lip. It had always been a nervous tick America had even as a child. "Alfred..."  
  
"When I got here he was outside, apparently after smashing up the place he decided to go skinny dipping and past out on the platform in the middle of the lake . I think he was there for a while I brought him in and tried to warm him up . But..." His explanation trailed off  looking toward the living room gazing at the back of the sofa where his brother was .   
  
"But what? ..Alfred where is he and what are you not telling me? I wont be angry that he's hung over or that he would do something so bloody foolish as swimming naked in this weather. I swear to you  I wont shout at him if that's what he's worried about . " The Brit had his hands on his hips, assuming the shyer of his twins was off hiding in the bathroom worshiping the porcelain god after his night of drinking . After all England had his rebellious phase and every so often got a bit smashed himself . If anything between Francis and himself he was surprised both of their boys where not ragging alcoholics .   
  
"He's on the couch, and that's not it . He...Mattie..he won't wake up . I mean he did for a little bit but ... And he feels really hot so.. i thought maybe it was cause i had him close to the fire cause he was just so cold before you know..  but,  I..I tried..ya know ..i did the right thing right? I just wanted to be his hero .." Americas words broke a bit  sounding more like a child by the moment as he fought past the slight choking sadness in his voice.  
  
Arthur rushed over to the sofa  looking down at the bundled up boy before looking back to his other son who was still staring at the floor . " you did brilliantly Alfred, i want you to go and find me a thermometer and get me a bowl of cool water and a rag can you do that for me love? "   
  
The tall blonde disappeared down the hall on his task leaving his father and brother . Arthur knelt in front of the sofa placing his palm on Mathews cheek .   " Sweet heart , this isn't like you ..."  
  
England looked around again at the smashed photos and overturned furniture . This wasn't like the quiet boy at all. What had happen to his baby ?  
  
  



	4. Mambo italiano

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An: A lil fluff fan service and nose bleeds for the fangirls break from the heavy drama. enjoy ! And if anyone's wondering yes the chapter titles are songs, usually ones i listen to on Loop when i write said chapter XD ...oh mr Germany..you so kinky.... ..BTW Ya welcome perverts!

* * *

**Back at Germany's house**

 

" Fratello! per favore !! Calm down!!" Italy wailed chasing after his brother whom was brandishing a rolling pin chasing after Germany .

"NO! I'm-a Gonna kill that potato bastard with-a my bare hands!!" Romano shrieked fallowing said German out into the yard.

" Ve! But Fratello you-a have a rolling pin in-a your hands! "

How did it come to this? Let us travel back to a moments prior, when Prussia had decided to share a bit of information with his pal Spain .

 

* * *

 

Red eyes shifted left to right before tiptoeing to poke a certain Spaniard on the shoulder. Antonio turned seeing the look on his friends face..this had to be be very good or very bad . " hey mi amigo! whats up ? "

Prussia laughed pulling camera out from behind his back. A camera he had pinched from his younger brothers office that morning to snap a few photos of his Friend and the usually violent, sleeping Italian. Mostly to embarrass Romano with later because Gilbert enjoyed irritating the man specially when the little brunette was unarmed. Little did he know this camera held quite a bite more than his morning photo op.

"Whats this ?" Spain questioned holding the little green digital device in his hands .

"keseseses . Just look at ze pictures I think you vill like zem ." Gilbert honestly hadn't looked after taking the photos so he had no way of knowing what was about to happen . Although anyone who knew Prussia well, knew even if he had looked through the camera - We would still be at this point.

Antonio turned on the camera and pulled up the first photo, a smile quickly appearing on his face . Regarding the sleep filled face of his little Lovi, tousled brown locks and a slight redness to the apples of the italian's cheeks  as he snuggled into the Spaniards chest . By the third photo Antonio was cooing about how cute his little Lovi was and how he wanted copys.

Knowing Spain he would most likely blow them up and have them on display in his villa much to the displeasure of Romano.   
  
But then he had a rather confused look crossed the Spaniards expression and his soon his face went as red as one of his beloved tomatoes .

"um..amigo ..you took 3 of Lovino si' ? But.. did um you know about these other pictures ?" Spain cleared his throat looking a bit troubled at his albino friend .

"Nien Vat other pictures " Prussia leaned over Spain's shoulder and his jaw dropped as the brunet kept scrolling through the photos . " Oh...Mien.... Gott.. "

Both men where stunned at what they where looking a . Germany relay needed to think about putting his things out of his brother reach .  
  
With every beep of the camera scrolling through the photos the two men's eyes just  got wider and wider.   
  
"Dios mío! ....I never knew italia was that flexible .."  Spain tilted his head slightly looking at the pictures .   
  
"oh! that's enough I don't need to see mien bruders 5meters .." Prussia pushed the camera away looking a little green .  
  
Just then a rather annoyed voice entered the room . "hey! what-a are you bastards doing in here!"  Antonio did his best to hide the camera behind his back before Lovino could charge over, but it was to late . The feisty Italian plucked the device from his fingers . 

"Whats-a this about .. ......."   
  
Both Gilbert and Antonio started scooting out of the room;  they knew what was coming . Romano had smoke coming out of his ears  accompanied with the furious beeping of the little device in his hands .     
  
This was bad, very bad . Prussia was even more glad the Italian didn't have his gun in his waist band like he usually did . He loved his little brother and would rather not have to clean up the blood .   
  
"...sick...Bastard!  how-a you do this to my baby brother!! ... " Romano screeched tearing out of the room in search of a one - Ludwig Beilschmidt.

* * *

  
Which brings us to why the wild eyed brunette is current  waving a baking instrument at Germany.   
  
"Why are-a you so angry Fratello! " Feli pleaded tugging at his brother shirt .   
  
"Why ! why!  You tell-a me why i should not be angry . After seeing this ! " He snapped shoving the camera in Italy's confused little hands .  
  
"You don't like cameras?" The large honey brown eyes looked down at the innocent looking little electronic .    
  
However, Ludwig's eyes went wide and a blush crossed his cheeks, he knew what was in that camera and instantly knew why the Italian brother wanted to kill him . What he did not know is how Romano got the camera; it was locked in his office . The only people who have a key to that room is himself and.....oh of course .

  
The blonde glared across the lawn at a certain Prussian who was practically rolling on the patio in a fit of laughter .   
  
"No you stupido! the pictures in the camera! " Lovino bellowed at his brother who then turned on the camera. Large honey eyes seemed 10 times larger and the little Italian trembled where he stood .  
  
"How-a am I not-a suppose to be fucking mad ! When i see my  fucking Fratello  tied up like .. like .. that! in ladies panties !  With a ..what is-a that a ball gag! Its-a disgusting that  potato bastard  he's sick! How could-a you let him do this and take pictures of it! "  The more Lovino shouted the more Feliciano absolutely crumbled to tears .  
  
"This..this-a was private! " He balled before doping to the moist grass hugging his knees. He wasn't going to apologize for the photos . In truth,  he had enjoyed doing every thing that was on the camera . Really really enjoyed it!

Ever since he found Germany's magazines  he had been curious. So a few nights prior when the blond finally found the nerve to asked his little lover to give something a try of course Italy jumped at the chance . Plus it made Germany so happy, and one thing Feli loved more than anything was Ludwig's smile .  
  
Germany had enough now, Romano could yell at him all the little brunette wanted but making his Italian cry was crossing a line .   
  
" Enough! ..Zat is our business Romano ! Vhat ve do in zis house you have no control over! Feliciano is an adult and so am I! " The large German roared .     
No one was laughing anymore .   
  
Lovino dropped the rolling pin and darted back behind Spain faster than you can say , ragu'.   
  
"I think i should take Lovi home now amigo " Spain said with a slight edge in his voice not wanting to incur the wrath of the seething German brother .   
  
Prussia followed the pair out, he already knew he would be in for it later . For now thankfully Ludwig was to distracted with a still sobbing Italy . Plus he wanted to call Francis and tell him what happened . He knew if anyone could appreciate the hilarity of the situation it was the perverse Frenchmen .

 


	5. Right Next to the Right one

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little FrUk smut in this one, I don't know if its good or not I tried so yep here it is. Don't stone me for failure XD

"oh hon hon hon ..I would 'ave neva imagined little Italy would be so kinky! " Francis chortled into the his cellphone as he put his bags into the back of a rental car at Vancouver air port .

"I know what to get them for Noel! " He added hearing Prussia groan and start begging the Frenchmen not to show up at Christmas with something weird or Ludwig would kill him, and he rather enjoyed living, breathing and sharing his awesome with the world .

The two friends chit chatted for a while; Francis whining mostly about the flight and the fact that the rental car wasn't very nice looking, all trivial matters. Then the Francis's phone signaled an incoming call. " I will call you when I can mes ami I have a call from mon amour on the other line. Clearly Arthur misses me already! ,ciao! " France said looking at the little device happy to see who it was .

"Allo ! Angeltere! If you are calling because you long for me so much neva  fear for I am on my way ! " Francis giggled switching the phone to speaker and laying it on the dash as he drove .

There was a heavy sigh on the other line, France assumed what would come next would be a string of cursing that he'd be called a frog and then vehemently rejected, he was used to England's little song and dance after so many years. He was used to it at this point, even a little fond of it to a point.

So when what came next filled the empty car he grew concerned.

"Francis, I need you to stop by a pharmacy and pick up a fever reducer, and some cold and flu medicine . " Arthur said sounding less up to going back and forth with his ex . After having spent the last two hours trying to cool down one of his sons only to have the other start coughing, the Englishmen was at his wits end. He knew Alfred was just trying to help Mathew but having both of them exposed to frigid water hadn't done either of them any favors. The boys seemed to forget that while they were personifications of their countries their bodies were still very human. Just because they could take a beating didn't mean they should welcome one so foolishly.

"Arthur .. what's wrong,  tell me whats 'append . " Francis immediately turning around at the edge of town heading toward a pharmacy and grocer he'd seen on the way .

"I'll explain when you get here, to keep it brief the boys are sick Matthews a bit worse . Just hurry please . "

The fact that Arthur said please was enough to make Francis drive a little faster . " I'll be zere soon lapin, Kiss ze boys for me . "

The two exchanged good byes Francis on his mission at the drug store and Arthur left to tend to their children. For a moment the nostalgia was overwhelming, when it came to their children pettiness was easy to lay aside.

* * *

 

As England sat on the now pulled down sofa bed replacing a cool cloth to his little Canada's head, he looked over at America who sat begrudgingly with a box of Kleenex .

" Dude I told you I'm fine ." the boy grumbled petulantly.  


"Your nose looks like a cherry and your almost as fevered as Mathew, now your going to be still and drink that tea and not argue with me young man. Also, I am not ' dude' I am your parent Alfred now show me some respect! " The Englishman's furry eyebrows knitting at the boys foolishness.

"fine DAD!...but your tea tastes like crap ..." Alfred mumbled into the cup before taking another sip .

"Your fathers' going to be here soon with some medicine for you both so you better belt up that attitude Alfred . "

  
The American rolled his eyes leaning back into the leather arm chair . " Awesome, all our hopes rest on France ..I'm going to die aren't I .

  
England sighed pinching the bridge of his nose . Perhaps it was his fault the boy lacked faith in his father, "Alfred ..."

 

Fortunately for America before his "mother" could launch into him a slight groan came from the right of the Englishmen .  


"Ugh... papa..mama..." Matthew fidgeted scrunching up his face in discomfort .  


"shh..shhh its alright love, I'm right here .."Arthur cooed gently running his fingers through the boys long damp flaxen locks .  


"Mattie?" Alfred came over siting to his brothers other side taking his twins hand gently between his own . "Mattie dude are you ok?"  


"Al? ... " Indigo eyes met blue with a smile coming to both their owners .  


"Dude you scared the shit out of me man . "  


"Matthew dear what on earth were you thinking ? You could have drowned, do you have any idea what that would have done to all of us to find you like that ? " Arthur chastised his son though his words were still tender.  


"I..I don't remember...hngg. My head hurts and I have to pee. " Canada whined sounding a bit pathetic .

 

"Alfred take your brother to the loo while I put on some more tea . " Arthur stood up helping the sicker of the two into a bathrobe. Canada was embarrassed to say the least to find out he was naked .

 

"Come on Mattie we get to be piss buddies! " America laughed loudly until a coughing fit stopped him . Then looping an arm around his still shaky twin the two headed off the the restroom .

* * *

 

"Alright I'm going to make some soup for you both so just go and lay down and i don't wanna hear any argument about it ." England said tying on an apron .  


Both ill blonds gave each other a grave look at the thought of the elder nations cooking.

"Al I'm scared.."  
  
"Me to Mattie, me to "

 

Luck, however, was on there side as the door bell rang .

"The Hero will get it! "

 

"Sit you stupid git! I told you both to lay down! " England snapped, giving that look that said "try me and see what happens", that all children learn very well not to test once they receive it from a parent .

"I swear..." Arthur muttered under his breath tossing a kitchen towel over his shoulder as he answered the door. Never in the last 10 years was he so happy to see that smiling bearded face on the threshold .

 

" Bonjour! mon petit lapin! your savior 'as arrived ! ..O' non you are not wearing an apron ..non non non... you let me cook , oui? " Francis came in putting the pharmacy bag in Arthur's hands slipping past the blond with a kiss to the mans temple . Quick to be out of slapping range before the Brit realized what he had done .

 

"Papa! " Two voices rang up from the sofa so glad to be saved from whatever their English father might do in the kitchen .

 

Francis leaned over the back of the sofa bed ruffling two mops of sunny hair before giving a little frown feeling the warmth radiating from both of their foreheads . " D'accord! both of you 'ave medicine to take and no fussing uh petites ? Now! I will go and cook some chicken soup 'ow dose that sound hmm? "

"Merci papa ." Matthew spoke softly slipping back under the blanket .

"yeah thanks dude you totally saved us ." Alfred said before joining his brother .

 

France smiled wandering off to the kitchen leaving the Brit to dole out medication . Which went better than one would have hoped actually . Matthew was happy for anything that would help, Alfred put up a minimal argument over why it couldn't be grape flavored . That was quickly ended when Arthur threaten to jam the tiny plastic cup down his throat if he didn't shut up and take it .

Francis mean while rolled his eyes to the commotion coming from the living room, turned up his sleeves and tied his hair back. While cooking he mused fondly over the past, how this was so much like when his boys where little . How cute his Iapin would be getting so maternal over the babies when they were sick. Even before that when Arthur was feeling ill or his back hurt and he relied on Francis, how much he loved to pamper his lover with the Brit was in better moods. Back then when they used to love each other.

Francis let out a sad sigh, So many things had gone wrong over the years. So many choices he wished he could take back where his family was concerned.

He had noticed the state of the house when he came in; the smashed photos of their lives, it was a reminder as to were they all where now...broken . He hadn't said any thing , it looked as if Arthur had tried to at least sweep away all the glass, Arthur was always good at that - tidying away the remnants of pain and making things look presentable. Francis wondered how his little Matthew could have done something like that even drunk, then he realized how many times he himself or even Arthur had done something similar in a fit of emotion rage.

 

" How do you do that ." the English accent brought him out of his thoughts .

 

" 'ow do I do what Mon cher' "

 

" That thing you always do where you can come in no matter how long its bloody been and act like nothings changed ." Arthur crossed his arms leaning against the counter, watching the man he once loved looking completely in his element in front of the stove.

 

" Because, somethings neva change, " Francis smiled his blue eyes glittering in the golden light of the range ." no matter 'ow old they get, they will always be Mon petites bebes to moi, and you cher will always be zere mama." He finished with a wink in Arthur direction knowing how to get to the man.

 

"d-don't say things like that you bloody frog, I'm a man remember that no matter how they came into this world it doesn't change a thing . It took me long enough to break them of calling me mum with no help from you ." England bristled only slightly until he blushed feeling a large warm hand placed gently on his cheek.

 

" And because I will always love you Mon amour, no matter the lovers I 'ave 'ad in my bed. None 'ave been in my 'eart, zat place was claimed long ago ." their eyes met with a warm fondness.

 

" Francis ...don't ." Arthur wanted to pull away from that Comforting touch but he couldn't . If anything the scruffy blond found himself leaning into the hand that caressed his cheek so tenderly . " how many times do we have to do this before you understand it never works."

 

The taller of the two only gave his usual cheeky grin. " until you kill me in a fit of rage ?"

 

Arthur scoffed at this leaning away from the Frenchman. He snapped the towel that had previously been over his shoulder at the man . " I just might ! now shut up and stir your bloody soup ."

 

The kitchen feel back into comfortable silence for the moment. Arthur hoisted himself up on the counter quietly munching on a carrot that he'd saved from being diced and tossed into the pot . Watching the Frenchman at work on the decadent smelling soup.

 

Finally Francis decided to ask what had been on his mind since the phone call ." Can you tell me 'ow it is the boys became ill and why the 'ouse is in this shaped ?"

 

Arthur let out a breath as his shoulders slumped and his body curved on its self resting his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands . " sometime after Matthew called me he must have trashed everything with that blasted hockey stick, then went for swim completely starkers . I thank God the boy made it to that float or he could have bloody well drowned, and you and I both know that's bloody terrible to come back from. Then Alfred of course being the genius he is, when he saw his brother out there dove right in to go fetch the lad rather than take one of the boats that are tied to the dock ."

 

Francis made the move wrapping his arms around the slighter male . "Oui, It may not 'ave been smart to do I agree, But it was done out of love. They are both alright now Mon cher that is what matters non?"

 

The Englishmen seemed to relax in the embrace resting his hands on the others hips . It was times like these he wondered why France infuriated him . How could he have thrown the man out so many times or let fights get between them when it was clear this man was the only one who could make him feel this way ? Why did he have to be so stubborn and why did Francis have to be so good and draw him back in ?

 

"D'acoord! come, what is as you say ..Keep calm and carry on ? " Frances smiled lifting Arthur's chin .

 

"Right, stiff upper lip . I'll go and wake the boys they should eat something , I'm certainly not going to be the one to baby them for days . " England said hoping down from the counter , though he paused placing a hand on the taller males back .

 

"Thank you " the phrase was quite but filled with more affection and warmth than the other had heard in quite along time .

* * *

 

Later that evening France found himself sitting alone in the guest bedroom looking out the large floor to ceiling windows in a comfortable leather back chair . He was thinking about the afternoon how oddly receptive his Ex was being . He was fine with this of course though in the back of his mind he wondered if it was just the stress getting England which made his caterpillar browed former lover so clingy . Part of him ached thinking that Arthur would simply call it a laps in judgment and go right back to hating him .

Reaching out at the fogged glass his finger tips leaving trails over the cold surface . The sun had set an hour before and now the moon light speckled through the trees out side lighting the rather glum expression on the usually cheerful man .

 

He didn't realize he was being watched .

 

Arthur stood in the door way holding the two steaming mugs of tea, his green eyes locking on the sorrowful profile sitting before the steam soaked window pane . The Light lines of condensation glittering in the blue glow of night . All creating a halo on the mans sculpted features.

Arthur's eyes studied that face he knew so well. He never liked seeing Francis looking like that, no mater all the times he scolded him for not being serious. It did not suit the Frenchmen, eyes half lidded with a few wayward golden strands hanging in thin waves framing his face. The more he thought the more he was reminded how painfully handsome France was.

"Ahem"… Arthur cleared his throat and looked away trying to hide the rose rising in his cheeks.

"Ah, cher. Are the boys sleeping?" blue eyes fell on green his face light with a smile once again, cleverly pulling on a mask of self assured composer as he always did . Even if this smile did not reach those glittering cerulean eyes like it usually did.

This of course did not go unnoticed.

"Yes. Alfred hardly put up a fight this time, Thank God for Nyquil. They are both dead to the world curled up with that bear. "Arthur crossed the room sitting on the arm of the chair handing down the cup of tea.

"Merci,” Taking the warm offering gratefully in his hands Francis then returned his gaze back out to the night-sky.

"..Francis ..." Arthur's voice seemed a bit meeker now; in the stillness, he began to recall the drunken phone call with his usually quite son. The things Matthew had said struck him deeply. The fact that Arthur own son felt some projected anger because of how things were between his parents. Arthur felt like a complete failure and even more so considering how kind the Frenchmen had been as of late verses how much of a bastard he himself usual was. England had often forgotten in those days of aggression and spiteful behavior that two sets of small eyes bore witness to less than courteous acts.

"Oui Angelteer?"

"Mathew. He said something to me when he was drunk and me... well…” He did not even know where he was going with this, he had never been one to share his concerned or his own fear and maybe that had been the problem all along. Arthur's heart pounded furiously in his chest, he knew what he wanted to do. The part of him that wanted to cry and hit the man next to him all at the same time. Something anything to get this sinking sick feeling to go away.

"Darling,” France tuned in the chair placing a gentle hand on the Brits thigh, Francis could see the storm brewing in those emerald pools. Taking the cup from Arthur's hands setting it on the side table safe from the now visibly tremored grasp of the former empire.

"Listen to moi; what ever Mon Mathieu said I'm sure 'e didn't mean it. "

"No, Francis he thinks ...he thinks I hate him …" The words hung in the air breaking Arthur to his core. The pain he would bravely fought down so as not to upset his boys. However, it did bother him to know Matthew felt that way. How could it not for a parent to know there child felt so unloved because of what they had done?

"He thinks I hate him because I hate you. But I don't Francis I don't hate you at all ..." The tears couldn't be held back now; spilling down from the troubled green eyes that seemed to show so much more of their true age in times of grief .

Francis got up and pulled the smaller blond into his arms. Arthur clung there to the soft fabric of the deep blue button down. Pressing his face against the bit of exposed skin the warm musky scent of roses and wine enveloping him. The taller man only held on tighter, wrapping his arms around the trembling frame of a man Francis knew was not one to weep so easily lest Arthur's heart truly become broken. Few things could bring a Kirkland to tears, Queen, Country, and Family.

"I …I don't you know, It’s just… It's always something. I never honestly hated you, you can be a prat but I do not hate you. I don't want him to think that Francis. I do not want my babies to think I hate them. "Arthur sobbed how long he'd been holding on to so much .Always putting on that scowl hurling insults to hide that he was lonely, that he was regretful of how distant the people who meant the most to him had become.

"Shhh, je sais, je sais ... s'il vous plaît...don't cry, Arthur look at moi.” Francis cupped his hands around the tear-streaked face his thumbs brushing away the still flowing tears.

"Come Mon petit mouton noir, don't make zat face.”

Arthur sniffled slightly placing his hands over the larger ones that now gently caressed away tears.” I’m serious...I...I still love you... you damn frog"

France could have laughed, it was always him chasing the small scruffy haired Brit. Wearing him down to get another chance. Never before had he gotten a confession out of the other. Perhaps this time things could be different, regardless of anything in the past the Frenchman's heart was swelling with happiness. Placing kisses to the tear streaked face before him, Francis found the salty taste of sorrow marking the heated flesh only made him want more. Soon those kind playful kisses became more.

* * *

Hands searching skin like old territory, each inch never forgotten from the moments they were last worshiped. Lips ghosting over flesh leaving little budding bites in their wake, marking each other for the world to see. Articles of clothing being tossed carelessly to the floor like two panting teenagers desperate for the skin-to-skin contact their hearts yearned for.

Arthur found him self being tossed on the bed already bear chested and panting looking up at the flaxen haired God of a man over him. Long wavy locks where pulled free from their confines cascading over broad shoulders.

He missed this god did he miss this.

Reaching out Arthur touched that tanned tone chest with the tips of his fingers, feeling the strong thrum of Francis's heart beneath. He was the cause of that erratic rhythm and it thrilled Arthur deep inside causing the warms to descend lower and gather in his stomach. Shimmering pools of rich blue half-lidded with lust stared down at him, looking only at him with that carnal look of complete and total desire.

Soon his hand was taken from its place over the Frenchman's heart. Francis trailed kisses over Arthur's palm and over his wrist, laving his tongue over the cress in the Brits elbow before switching over to the other pale chest. Lips hovering  over the object of the Frenchmen affections lavishing attention on the pert pink buds  beneath.  
  
Arthur gasped and arched to the lips ghosting over his pale white skin, traversing up over his so readily offered neck. The feel of Francis's tongue slipping out feeling the fast beating pulse of his jugular. Moving down nipping at Arthur's collarbone, exciting more needy moans that the elder so loved to hear.

Arthur clapped his hand over his own mouth trying to quiet his body’s betrayal of lewd sounds. This however was quickly corrected Francis pulling his hand away?

"Non Let me hear you mon amour." his voice low and sultry .The Brit had no choice but to obey, not when Francis spoke like that and looked at him with those eyes like Arthur was the most precious think in the world at that moment.

Soon England was shamelessly mewling and panting as his chest was abused by fingertips and teeth. "D…Damn wanker don’t. Don’t tease!"

"ohon hon..Mon chere..your an eager one non? "France smirked he knew what he was doing, he intended on dragging this out. It had been far too long since he'd Conquered England's vital regions.

Arthur trembled feeling the tickle of Francis's chin slipping down his torso pausing at his belt. Soon he felt his trousers being yanked off along with his pants, shuddering slightly at the cold air hitting him on his already hot straining sex . However the cool air was soon replaced by a warm wet sensation of his lovers mouth .

"nnughh Francis!, oh for Christ! God! Ahh.. Bloody fuck.." Arthur moaned arching his back off the bed, desperate to bury his prick deeper in that sinful mouth.

France was in no mood to let the smaller male have his way just yet . He held Arthur's hips to the bed as he continued engulfing the Englishman's length . Teasing was all apart of proper foreplay wasn't it ? And he intended to take his lapin properly tonight, long and slow until the man was in tears .

It didn't take long before Arthur was panting and gripping the sheets completely under the mercy of  France and his wicked ways . He mentally damned France for his skill at making him weak and helpless under these situations . All the while said Frenchmen couldn't be happier, glancing up with bedroom eyes at the blushing mess he'd made of the usually irritable Brit .

It was beautiful.

Arthur let out a string of curses as he unraveled, spilling as he looked down at Francis taking him for all he was worth. Arthur fell pact panting and trembling and Francis just smiled deviously whipping his mouth .

" Oh hon hon, for your cooking to be so terrible your natural flavor is très belle "

The now red-faced Briton clapped his hands over his face . "Shut it Prat!"

Another pair of trousers hit the floor and England found his hand pulled away looking up at Francis whom had situated himself between his thighs . " Come now mon amour don't deprive me of zat face, S'il vous plaît? " He crooned pouting his lips a bit leaning in to capture the Brits lips once more in a heated kiss .

Amid the make out session France had slipped a hand into his over night bag which was on the bed pulling out a small bottle . When they broke apart Arthur spied the small vile and grunted at the object in the other palm . " Why am I not surprised you would carry around something like that ."

His admonishing were quickly forgotten feeling his back side being probed . Letting out a small sound of surprise that was quickly replaced by moans as a second digit joined the first finding that blessed location they sought out so diligently .

"ah..there!! God! Francis, fuck sake do that again! " Arthur shamelessly whined

The sound of the male beneath him only feed the blazing desire Francis had been pushing down. He had intended to make an entire night of this lovely little reunion but it was all to much. Removing his fingers he moved to press a kiss between those ridiculous eyebrows he'd grown so fond of and entered their owner.  
  
Arthur let out a breath as they became so Intimately connected, relishing in the feeling not just physical but the fact that there souls had always been tied together . This unity was still so strong between, be it distance or the flames of battle; this was unshakeable . The passion burned brighter than any conflict and it always would.  
  
" Jet'aime,jet'aimetellement, I do Arthur I do. S'il vous plaît, tell me you know 'ow much I truly love you." Francis panted the words grinding deeper into Arthur, sweat was rolling down his back from the exertion of thier coupling.   
  
Arthur could hardly breath, but heard the words. Ones he used to hear whispers in his ear in the dead of night and in moments like this. There were times he didn't believe the sentiment coming from the flirtation nation of love, and other times when it broke his heart. Right now though, right now he believed, he believed in what they had made together both good and bad. He believed in everything this man had given him, and all he himself had failed to give back.

" I know Francis..I know.. oh God I know." Arthur breathed arching his back as he reached out taking the Frenchmen face in his hands.  " I love you."  


* * *

 

After almost an hour, much to France's credit . The two lay there among the tangled sheets attempting to regain their breath . Their hands met in the middle and fingers lacing together wanting to maintain that connection.

"wow...." Arthur finally said almost laughing

"oui...."   
  
Francis finally turned on his side no longer able to bear another moment apart and Pulled Arthur close. The Brit complaining mildly about the sweat and being to hot but Arthur gave in, in truth he didn't mind. They had been apart to long, they needed to become a strong foundation again so they could help rebuild the bounds of their broken little family. 

* * *

 

The next morning would find the couple curled up together with content faces . Their sons would make the discovery, Matthew would smile and drag his gagging brother away from the door. Promising to make the other pancakes if Alfred promised not to ruin it for their parents .

Matthew really hoped things would get better. His family was healing, now if only he and his brother could find something like that. Something that would last lifetimes, but that seemed like a dream one that he would never quite reach because, in order for someone to love you they had to see you.   
  
Canada had become used to not being seen, somewhere in the back of his mid something festered at that thought.   
  
_Never you...never._


	6. Porn Star Dancing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: Warnings - ....you see the title i don't think I need to say . but ok Prussia! he should just come with a warning . Shirtless Canada and America...mmmmm . Over all scandalous behavior . Song lyric semi- included to text so rock out, idk unless that bugs you its not the whole song so no worries.

**Porn star dancing**

"West...I zink your taking this a bit far . The awesome me said I vas sorry ...for being so awesome and sharing those kinky photos .kesesesese.." Prussia couldn't help but laugh it had had been over a week and Germany was still annoyed with him. Considering how private the younger German was about his personal life Prussia really should have seen this coming.

Now he was being forced to attend the world meeting at Americas place in Dallas. On an upside the after parties were always Awesome when attending Americas meetings. That kid really knew how to have a good time!   
What was not awesome however was basically being Ludwig's bitch during the meeting- passing out dossiers on all the things to be discussed, taking notes, minding Italy and keeping time for all the presentations, not that Prussia needed to .

As anal as his little brother was the blond had some freakishly accurate internal clock, he knew if a presenter went over by the second. None the less, the Albino relented; it was a better punishment than having his beer taken away.

He would die with out beer.

The meeting itself seemed to go as it usually did. Germany barking at everyone, Russia being creepy, though even Prussia had to smirk at the fact Ivan was flanked by his sisters Ukraine and Belarus, the later- who spend most of the meeting tormenting the large man by clinging to his arm and whispering things in his ear that made the wintery nation as pale as a sheet.

Gilbert also noticed his friend France came in with England. It seemed Francis's on again off again relationship with the little blonde seemed to be back on with even more vigor. England wasn't Prussia's favorite person really, he disliked him for the emotional pain it caused Francis every time the two split up. Along with the Britons part in Prussia's own country being dissolved . He knew it was just a casualty of war, but still Gilbert had some sinking feeling the green eyed Brit took a bit of pleasure in it. Though he couldn't prove it, his awesome senses told him so.  
  
Yet, Gilbert really was happy for Francis, seeing the Frenchmen beaming as he leaned back in his chair; reaching over every now and then letting his fingers flirt with the back of the Englishman's collar. Causing Arthur to turn a bit red in embarrassment, that was worth seeing.

America was being ..himself, Prussia actually liked the boisterous nation he reminded him of France after to much chocolate and wine. Only much louder and less nudity, he suppose that came from England. However Gilbert did notice Alfred glaring over in Russia's direction more specifically at Belarus.  
The albino mildly mused that the young blond might be sweet on the beast of a girl. He shuddered to think any one would actually want to be around Natalia more than five minuets of meeting her, she was beautiful true - but scary . Prussia had to live in the same house with her for a while and he knew how bad she was and could be when things didn't go her way. Many people didn't realize how much worse than Russia she could actually be.

Next his eyes landed on Hungary and Austria. Prussia bit his lower lip starring daggers at the brunette man. The other two nations had recently announced they would be having a child together. There was whole a host of reasons Prussia wanted to strangle Austria on any given day, his just added to Gilbert's annoyance .

Finally, he spotted Canada Sitting at the far end of the table alone . The German wondered why the little blond wasn't seated with his family . He was happy to see the young nation was looking at least physically better, from what France had told him both Matthew and Alfred had been a bit sick. Something bothered the Prussian though the more he looked at the quiet Canadian.

* * *

**(The Awesome POV)**

Vhy is Canada all by himzelf. He seems pretty Awesome...not as Awesome as me but still.  He has a huge country, Awesome sports und Pancakes.  He has un Awesome pet to ..not as Awesome as Gilbird but still. Its a ficken bear! Und why iz no one talking to him, Zey just talk over him like he isn't even there . That's so unawesome und he looks so sad that's not awesome at all.

I vill do something about this , I can't just let such an awesome country be ignored . Plus this is one of my best friends kinders! I'm practically Canada's Awesome Uncle or something . I cant go sit with him now though West will have some kind of fit if i move . After then , Maybe Canada is going out with everyone to that bar America invited everyone to . I vonder how well Canada can drink , Americas beers are kinda veak but still . I think France said he was drunk that one night so hes probably like England . Still I zink tonight i will be Canada's Drinking buddy he can be in ze bad touch trio tonight and feel Awesome .

* * *

 

"Woo Alright dudes ! Tonight we Par-tayyy!!" American announced standing in the front of the party bus he had rented to take out his fellow countries to one of his Favorite bar/ dance spots called **Burning Bull**.

Most of the countries were well aware of what happened on Americas outings and many bowed out not wanting to wake up in a strangers bed the next day . However, the attendance wasn't to thin.

France and Spain drug along their dates England and Romano . The angrier of the Italian brothers was already complaining about several things - the bus smelled funny.

Russia whom had thankfully been saved by his elder sister Ukraine whom took Belarus to the movies with her, Belgium and Netherlands . In Their place he had more or less scared Toris to come with him . 

Aforementioned Lithuanian nation was currently blushing as a Poland had seated himself on the little brunettes lap the entire bus ride.

Germany and Italy were there, Prussia had managed to talk Canada into coming along .Though Matthew seemed less than enthusiastic at the moment .

A few of the Nordics where in attendance , Sweden And Finland mostly because Tino loved anything to do with dancing. Denmark and Norway, mostly because Lukas knew Mathis would bitch if they didn't come and the last thing he needed was a bitchy Dane.

* * *

 

" Oh hon honhon ! ..this is a sexy bar isn't it!" France said as they all walked into the massive night club noticing the scantly clad dancers in massive round cages over the dance floor .

"Bloody..he would bring us to a place like this " Arthur shook his head as he was lead along by the frenchman .

It didn't take long for the Bad touch trio to belly up to the bar and get the drinks flowing . Thankfully after a beer or...four England was in a much better mood. By much better meaning that he was on the dance floor with Francis grinding shamelessly against the other mans crotch.  France was in heaven.

Everyone seemed to be having a great time, everyone but Canada.

The blond had managed to slip away from his Prussian chaperon, Matthew felt like the only reason the East German was being nice was as a favor to his papa. He didn't want to be pitied or drag down someone else who was having a nice time. So instead the little Canadian slipped off into a dark corner booth, for once thankful for his ability to be invisible . It was less complicated that way.

The northern nation sighed a bit looking at all the couples on the dance floor . "it must be nice .." He said to no one in particular .

"Yeah bro it must be .." Alfred said almost appearing out of no where causing his twin to let out a frighten squeak .

"Jesus! Al ...you cared the maple out of me .! " Matthew put a hand to his chest feeling his heart finally calm down as a drink was shoved in his face .

"Al..I..." He started to protest

"Shut up and drink Mattie ...I got a plan .." America said downing his own drink giving a sharp gasp before slapping his own leg at the burn .

Canada shook his head looking down at the clear drink . "I'm gonna regret this but what the hell eh? its not like I have to worry about embarrassing anyone ..no one will even notice most likely "

With that he down the drink and launching into a coughing fit .

"Fuck! ..i mean, Maple! what was ..ugh..what was that Al" Matthew groaned rubbing his neck as he felt the warmth tingling through his limbs .

American smiled devilishly patting his brother on the shoulder. "That Mattie ..was Ever-Clear, now my sexy twin! If my plan goes well I think both of us will get noticed tonight ! "

What Alfred didn't say was that he was trying to get noticed by someone very specific .

* * *

 

"Al. ...I don't ..I don't know about this .." Mathew looked around nervously he was already quite buzzed on the alcohol and part of him really wanted to follow his brothers lead the other part of him- probably the English part was screaming **NO! DANGER! ABORT! ABORT!**

"Here...just drink more " Alfred just shoved more booze at his brother and kept drinking himself . "Ok..*hic* ..I'm feeling almost french enough to do this ..how about you bro !"

Canada down another glass and ran his fingers through his hair before cheering .."Oui!"

It was official, the Kirkland-Bonnefoy boys where hammered beyond measure..and about to do something..their French father would be very proud of .

* * *

 

**Meanwhile**

Prussia was looking all over for Canada.

"verdammt!" Gilbert had walked around the dance floor and bar twice and caught no sight of the Canadian. Not only that he had resorted to looking for America and could not find him either !

"I'm not telling Francy pants I lost his kids .." Prussia muttered to himself before he took notice of another country who seemed to be looking for some one in the crowd .

"hey..creeper vat are you looking at." Prussia said flopping down in a booth next to Russia .

Purple eyes shifted to red offering his usual childish smile . " Oh me? look at dancers da? "

"Ja..vatever..so um have you seen Canada or America around? " Gilbert asked noticing the several empty bottles of vodka on the table he could never understand how Ivan wasn't drunk or dead from how much he liqueur the man ingested  all the time. Maybe Russia liver had given up and left along time ago. Kinda like how the creeps heart fell out, that made sense.

"what do you want with Amerika, Prussia? " There was a slight possessive tone in the Russian's question though he kept his face as happy as usual .

"I vant nozing vith him I'm looking for Canada, they are bruders you know i thought he might know vhere he is . But the Awesome me cant find him any where. "

Before Ivan could answer the DJ made an announcement .

_"Ladies and Gentleman ! Bitches and Sluts! have we got a treat for you ! If you will direct your eyes to just about our main bar and the LCD screens we have hanging around here You'll get a peak at the guest entertainment . Now we are know here at the Burning bull for Eye candy ! So i know you wont be disappointed! "_

  
There was whooping and whistling from the the dance floor at the announcement , everyone looking over at the double deck bar that had a dance platform with there dance poles . and glass bottom stage .

_"With out further adue ! These beauties are called the the KB Twins! "_

  
The music began with heavy rock rifts, most people expecting a couple of trashy sisters to wander out on the stage half dressed and mostly drunk.  Still all eyes both human and Nation were on the two curtains at either side of the bar, curiosity was a powerful thing.

And no one was prepared for who came out .

* * *

 

The Curtains parted and the two stunning blondes walked out, America and Canada .

The reactions were mixed among the club goers. Female bar patrons were going wild sending up whistles and cat-calls and few of male patrons as-well, the nations however had there own reactions that varied from shock to down right anger .

England sobered up pretty quick.

"I'm going to kill them! " Arthur shouted while Francis held him back, doing his best to keep the little Brit from climbing up on the platform and dragging the two young men down by their ears.

"oh hon hon hon! zey are just 'aveing fun mon amore ! very sexy fun ! I knew they where mes filies!"

 

Spain, Romano along with Germany and Italy were dumb founded . Though the Italian brothers immediately started whistling and cheering for the North American twins .

Of the Nordics, Sweden covered Finland's eyes and Norway covered Denmark's eyes ..of coarse Mathis did manage to peek a little . Who wouldn't?

 

The two most interesting reactions however were of Prussia and Russia .

"Mine Gott....." Gilbert's jaw fell slack, it had been a while since he'd been this interested in a floor show. And let's face it Prussia had been to more than his fair share of strip clubs.

"Da....." Ivan's face went as red as one of Spain's tomato's

* * *

**Warning ...stripping countries ahead**

_Kylie won't kiss my friend Cassandra_  
_Jessica won't play ball_  
_Mandy won't share her friend Miranda_  
_Doesn't anybody live at all?_

Both men drooped their jackets to the floor, pulling off their glasses and dropping them onto the heaps of Leather and Cotton. A few were surprised that brothers did tend to dress alike despite their differences, the over all ascetic of beautiful twins was not lost on the crowd as the cheers grew as each article of clothing fell. Both men clad in rather tight denim jeans that accentuate there assets, Alfred wore a deep navy that hung low on his hips  and Matthew's a lighter washed blue with a low rise . The brother each had plaid button down shirts in their countries colors .

The alcohol proved to be enough courage to bring out a rather sensual side of both as they stepped up to the silver poles griping the cool metal and rolling their hips in time with the bass line.

_Amanda won't leave me empty handed_  
 _Got her number from the bathroom stall_  


America was the first to slowly unbutton his shirt reveling inch after inch of tone tanned skin. And to the surprise of some, some rather large tattoos . An eagle on his chest and twin pistols on his pelvis with ornate barrels dipping below his belt line .

Ivan swallowed hard watching his old enemy, In-truth he really didn't hate America and so much had changed since the cold war. In all honestly he'd always wanted to be one with his little sunflower, not that he would have admitted it out-loud . Now watching the younger man grinding his abs glistening with sweat under the bright flashing club lights made the Russians cold heart burn with desire he'd never felt before . Ivan could almost swear those piercing blue eyes were starring right at him .

_But I got a girl who can put on a show  
The dollar decides how far you can go_

Canada was next, turning his back as the red and white shirt slipped slowly from his slender form. Looking innocently over his shoulder at the crowd below he gave a mischievous little wink . He couldn't make out their faces through the haze of booze and bright lights but he could feel their eyes .It was so strange to feel like people were watching him. But at the same time he loved it he always wanted to be seen, it didn't matter now that the only reason these strangers were staring was to drink in his flesh like a lust buffet. 

Mattie ran his hands over the pole, his  white finger less gloves gave an almost burlesque appearance in the sensual movement. The pristine fabric over his peachy skin concealing  up to his elbows .The usually quiet nation was also showing off a few piercings, his movements like liquid heat licking his lips suggestively .

  
_She licks those lips and off we go_ !  
 _She takes it off nice and slow_ !

Gilbert could have died right there and been ok with it . He couldn't believe what he was seeing, the quiet little Canada half naked putting on a show?

The glint of the multi colored lights danced off the rings and barbells on the boys lithe form and caught the albinos eyes."keseseseseses....naughty birdie ..nipple rings? Ja your Francis's alright ." Prussia smiled wolfishly, his mind already wondering what it would be like to tug at those little adornments with his teeth until the younger man was a writhing mess.

_She don't play nice, she makes me beg !_

Both blondes walked to the center of the wrapping stage to the third pole . Maybe it was the heat of the lights..the spur of the moment...or the copious amounts of Ever-clear. But things heated up. The crowd hit a fever pitch cheering as the twins became more acquainted with each other. 

  
_She's got a pair that's nice to stare at_   
_But I want girls gone wild_

 The twins meet center stage, Matthew standing in front of his slightly taller brother leaning back on Alfred's muscular chest. The little Canadians head was swimming feeling the breath on the back of his neck and hands running down his slender sides . He steeped to the side  his eyes narrowing slightly biting his lower lip .A rare fiendish look crossing his face as he lid down Alfred's leg his fingers tugging at his twins belt .Popping the fly agonizingly slow before tugging the tight Levi's down.  
  
America shot a smile to the right of the dance floor,he hoped someone liked his little surprise . As the intoxicated young man slipped out of the jeans reveling his vital reigns clad in light blue tight fitting Ed Hardy Briefs  with a bright yellow Sunflower on the right thigh.  
  
The taller twin pulled his brother up from the floor turning the smaller male in his arms pulling down the light washed denims .  Canada reviled ...much more than his brother by his choice of undergarments.  Wearing a red and black thong, showing the maple leaf tattooed on his right ass cheek.  The shouts of the crowd buzzed in their ears, women begging for them, men cheering. Canada felt like he was drifting away on the riotous sounds. 

_But I know a place where there's always a show_  
_The dollar decides how far you can go_ !  
  
As the song came to an end both boys  grinned, waving at the club goers as they gathered up their clothes and dashed off the stage .

* * *

  
  
"Both of you ! put on your clothes and get in that bus right this instant!"A very angry very British voice meet the pair as they laughed congratulating each other on their own natural talent for being attractive .  
  
"uh oh"  Canada said  now only in his underwear and hoody carrying his pants and shoes .  
  
"Aw..shit.." Alfred said having managed to get his pants on though not closed .  
  
"What in the bloody hell where you both thinking!  Alfred I almost expect this from you but Matthew really! " Arthur bellowed  reaching and snatching both boys by the ears .  
  
They were going to really hear it from their 'mother'  they both knew it . Although as the boys sat in the back of the bus being scolded  trying their best not to smirk . America couldn't help but notice lingering looks from a certain Soviet .   
  
Mission Accomplished .


	7. Friday I'm in love

  
Another night spent like so many nights, Gilbert lay awake starring at the ceiling of his hotel room. This night however was different because instead of lying awake contemplating the past the snowy haired male found himself contemplating the future. He could not get the events of the evening out of his mind.  
  
Why?  
  
 Well that was the question plaguing him. Could it be lust? Longing? ... Could he blame it on the beer, the music ...the fact he handed gotten laid in while? Maybe but he would also be lying.   
  
Gilbert groaned covering his head with the pillow, still the images flashed repeatedly behind his closed lids. Like a movie reel torturing him over and over in vibrant color. Haunting him, turning his insides in knots.   
  
Taut peach skin shimmering with sweat, the way the soft muscle tone flexed and moved with each roll of his hips. Those golden waving locks and that single curl standing out in front defying all logic. Moreover, those eye... God those enchanting pools of indigo.  They seemed so deep and full of emotion that would spill over and saturate anything and anyone with a feeling so pure it was unnatural.  Something that lay just with in those sparkling depth reaching out needing something or someone to reach back.  Some whispering wishes waiting to be heard and granted. Waiting for him, he could have sworn he heard it, that request lingering in those eyes 'see me, the real me.’   
  
 It was intoxicating.   
  
"BAHH! Zis is so not awesome! I cannot be thinking about Francis's kid like this. "The Prussian hissed and flipped over looking at his clock …it was Three A.M. They would be getting on a plane around noon and heading home. In addition, by them it did not just mean Italy and his brother Ludwig, unfortunately Austria and Hungary would be flying back with them in the private plane.  
  
Prussia would rather eat glass than spend any amount of time let alone that long in an in closed space with Roderick Edelstein. Just thinking of the posh Austrian looking down his nose at him made him want to punch a baby. There was a lot of unresolved anger there, things that Gilbert could not be passed no matter how much he tried. Most of it not souly geared toward Austria but himself as well.   
  
Part of him did not want to go for another reason; Gilbert wanted to talk to Canada again. He just couldn't help it. Whether it was just curiosity, libido or whatever he was feeling he needed to figure it out or else it would bug him until he did. There was just something drawing him to the northern country.  
  
Had he ever really felt this way about anyone or anything? True after he found out Hungary was a girl he fancied her a bit. However, she was violent and stuck on Austria like a bad rash. Even all the humans he had been with over there years, whom were mostly women. He never really was drawn to them much more than physically. All his conquering in the bedroom had been little more than notches on a bedpost. More reputation for the bad touch trio.   
  
There was one person he had cared for though and that person was. Fritz…  
  
Gilbert smiled fondly thinking of the man he had known so long ago. He knew him when he was young and watched the man age and eventually passes. His death had affected Gilbert quiet hard; he was not sure how he felt about Fritz until after he was gone. Watching his dear friend fade away, becoming weak and frail. Baring witness to the slow spiral of a great leader as the sparkle in his eyes faded. His blonde hair become as white as Prussia’s own, the lines on his face each one a sign of a life well lived.  
  
 In the end, Gilbert realized he had truly loved that man.  
  
   
  
"Nien I can't do zat again, I vont." he said aloud to the darkened room.  
  
Would it be so bad though? He pondered this, tossing the notion back and forth in his brain. Could he feel for another person? Lose another person?   
  
On the other hand, if he waited until it was too late to admit to himself what he knew was true, he might miss a chance because of his own pride.   
  
He honestly did not know what to do.

* * *

  
  
Morning came sooner than Gilbert would have liked, the oppressive glow of morning peeled back his heavy eyelids announcing the beginning of 14 hours of oppression and cabin pressure. If there was a god, he did not shine on Prussia.  
  
Soon the group of Germanic nations was settling out onto the plane. Italy was cooing over Elizabeta, asking the woman if she had baby names picked out and if the baby would speak German or Hungarian.  
Austria had that smirk plastered on his face Prussia could not stand; he wanted to point out that the brown-haired man was the last person that should be trusted with a child.  
  
However, he did not, that would only open up old wounds and secrets that could not ever be said. No some things should leave unsaid. The albino simply glared daggers at man across from him. Roderick knew why, so did Eliza. When she caught the look the men were sharing, she frowned and held her husbands hand in a show of solidarity. They could not change the past but they could do better in the future   
  
The plane ride for the most part was uneventful. Germany was doing something on his tablet while Italy cuddled up to the blonds arm sound asleep. Hungary was awake however and she reached over slipping the glasses, which perked, precariously on the end of her husband’s nose. The Austrian had nodded of a few moments before.  
  
The olive-eyed woman softly rested a hand on the small bump at her midsection. She looked over at the East German who was furiously typing on his smart phone. Tucking the glasses away in her blouse, she looked over at the albino hitting his shin lightly with her toe. "What are you doing? You should get some sleep; you have bags under your eyes.”  
  
"Tsk"…Gilbert grumbled and continued reading his phone. "Und vhy do you care?”  
  
"Prussia... I never said I didn't care, no mater how much of an ass you are." Elizabeta said as she slipped out of her seat and sat down next to the snowy haired German whom promptly angled away from her.    
  
"What are you looking at anyway?” she asked trying to peek at the cellular’s small screen.  
  
"The awesome me doesn't have to tell you." the Prussian evaded taking a bratty tone with the woman.  
  
Hungary rolled her eyes and snatched the phone out of the mans hand. This of course incited indigent little squawks from the former nation. She only shot him a death glare that quieted him down, Gilbert wasn't sure if her frying pan was near by and didn't want to find out.  
  
"The Nation of Canada …on Wikipedia huh? Who is that again? "She asked scrolling through the screen of facts about the northern country.  
  
"Ugh...Zats Matthew! America’s bruder, Francis und the English stick in the muds kinder. "Prussia crossed his arms with a huff. How could that insufferable woman not place a face with the name? Specially such a beautiful face.   
  
"Oh yeah the little one with the bear.” She said finally remembering.  
  
"Ja...the little one with the bear" Gilbert parroted with a slight mocking tone before sinking back into his chair.  
  
"So why so curious all of a sudden Prussia. Dose someone have a crush on little Canada! "Hungary cooed wiggling her eye brows waving the phone over the former nations head.   
  
Gilbert went red and snatched his cell from the taunting Hungarian. Holding the little device to his chest scowling at her.   "Nien! The awesome me does not have crushes like some silly schoolgirl! The awesome me invades vital regions like a man! Tsk... I'm to awesome, das isn't one of those creepy unawesome comics you and Japan read.”  
  
Elizabeta had a fujoshi grin on her face watching the flustered German. "Ah I see, so you just want to.  …as you said .Invade Canada's vital regions then? Hehe then this is exactly like a yaoi! "  
  
"Vat! Nein! Nein! Zat ist not vat I said! "Gilbert’s accent was getting thicker the more he protested. Not to mention the usually pale man was now cherry red.  
  
Eliza laughed louder covering her month to keep from waking the others that where sleeping. She patted the raving albino on the arm with a knowing smile. "Alright, calm down. So then why are you researching his country, you know that's a step away from Facebook stalking," she said with a smirk.  
  
Prussia settled back into his seat looking down at the phone ...he had actually tried the later but as it turns out There's a lot of Matthew Williams in Canada . He thought about going back and using Bonnefoy or Kirkland surnames to narrow it down but now he just felt like a creeper that Eliza had mentioned it.  
  
"Maybe I'm just educating myself. The awesome me can do that and it not be creepy .Und this is my best friends kid maybe I'm just curious. "Prussia mumbled out his excuse.  
  
Hungary knew he was lying, she had known Gilbert far to long to not know when he was full of shit.  
  
"I don't see you Googling America, Alfred is Francis's son to." she countered watching him tense a bit.  
"You know Prussia, it's alright to not just conquer things or pretend you’re to …ugh. Awesome… to care. All of us who know you know that's not all you are. ". She said kindly reaching out taking Gil's chin in her hand.  
"You can like someone, I think it would be good for you and it might be good for little Canada. I do remember him you know. I was only teasing before, he might be quiet but he has done some impressive things.  Also if I recall he's usually sitting all by himself at the meetings. Maybe you can change that." the Hungarian woman smiled patting his cheek.    
  
Gilbert shrugged away from the touched before looking down at his phone again. He’d never admit that se was right. No to her face anyway.  
  
"Now, I'm going to sleep and you should to."  with that Elizabeta returned to her seat leaving Prussia alone with his thoughts.

* * *

  
After getting back to Germany's house, and sleep off the jet lag. Prussia had continued what he considered "educational” stalking to learn more about Canada. As it turned out, he found that the little Canadian was in fact. Awesome.  
  
Like his twin America, the northern brother had a melting pot of cultures. Not to mention the extreme sport scene. Canada's war record was not too shabby either, Gilbert couldn't believe how no one had noticed Mathew.   
  
Gilbert felt a little bad seeing he had actually participated in some of Canada's battles during WW2. However, war was war; nations stood with their leaders for good or bad no mater how they felt about the cause.  Many times Prussia had raised his sward on the field before friends.  It was hard but most of them knew when they had to do unspeakable things that it was not out of malice. Not really, there where times when the want of a nation or the madness of a leader could infect the mind of a living nation. Force them into act they would regret long after the evil men who inspired the deeds had turned to dust.   
  
That is when he saw it, how could he have missed something like this.  
  
 True he slept a lot duringmeetings after he was abolished. However, maybe the real reason was that no one seemed to listen to Canada.  
  
Gilbert ran his fingertips over the map on his laptop, lingering over the little Ontario township that bore  
His name.  
  
He had often wondered why he didn't just die after the war was over, Ludwig had come up with countless  
Theories, the love of the Prussian people, the division of east and West Germany.  
  
No one could honestly pinpoint why Gilbert was still around, that hurt him so much. Feeling like he little  
more than a ghost.  To go from being a strong willed knight, to a battered old solider. These were  
feelings he never shared with anyone. Things that haunted him in the night. Had he some how cheated death? If so what gave him the right when so many great nation …no great men had died.   
  
Maybe it was all of the things Germany and others thought; the dominoes fell in line just right to save him from going the way of other ancient nations. Moreover, maybe this was part of it too, this little piece of land.  
  
 He really wanted to thank Canada in his own way, even though it was a little late. Gilbert really felt like Matthew hadn't gotten allot of the praise he so clearly deserved.  
  
The German sat back on his bed after closing his computer . He looked up at the black and white flag  
pinned to his ceiling.  For once, it did not hurt when his eyes traced the symbols; no, he felt a bloom of  
Pride. Somewhere 'Prussia' was still 'Prussia', Not Brandenburg, not Kaliningrad but New Prussia.  
  
And it was all because of a sweet soft-spoken little blonde, with eyes that could melt butter.  
  
Gilbert had to admit it. It a whole week to come to terms. However, he thought maybe. Just maybe.  
  
He was in love.   
  
With Canada. 


	8. Chapter 8- Home

  
  
  
  
**Chapter 8- Home**  
  
It had been a over a week since the incident at the night club, the event in question had by now gone down in infamy as the naughty northern hemisphere duo  and despite Mathew’s now lack of dignity - nothing had changed for him. If anything, it was just another reminder never to listen to his brother. Also never to drink that much ever again.   
  
The only thing that seemed to come out of all that was the mind-numbing lecture they both received from England about decency. However, the Canadian had noticed his twin being in higher spirits after so perhaps things had worked out for Alfred.  
  
 _“Things always work out for Alfred,”_ the voice in his head seethed.  
  
Matthew wanted to be happy for his twin he really did. Yet, at the same time, he was bitter. He had made a fool of himself and still no one had even noticed. It seemed like that always happen, next to Alfred he was nothing special. Even though they were twins, the subtle differences made American more appealing to everyone. At least that's how Mattie felt. He was just the less entertaining copy of his smiling brother.  
  
Today gave him even more reason to feel so.   
  
Why?  
  
 Well because today was Thanksgiving, Alfred's favorite holiday next to his birthday and Christmas. It was always a big event at the American’s house; the family would all be there. At least, all the family but one.   
  
Matthew’s tradition of always waking up early on the morning of the festivities to make breakfast and insure that everyone got special pancakes. Would be lacking this year, for the first time in decades.  
  
Normally Canada would have already left his home the day before and be waking up about this time to get the cooking started. The smell of fruit and chocolate welcoming the days activates. But not this year.  
  
That morning he had called Alfred knowing the other would be too sleepy to argue.   
  
It was an underhanded trick to avoid the shouting from his twin but an affective one.

* * *

  
  
America woke up to his cell phone chirping the happy tune of "Canadian Please”. His foggy mind wondering why Mattie was calling when he could just come in his room.  
  
Reaching over blindly he snatched up the little device groaning a groggy hello.  
  
"All, sorry if I woke you." the soft voice of the blonds twin came through the phone.  
  
 **"Mattie what the hell if the pancakes are ready you could have just sent dad up to get me. I already know he is awake it’s the ass crack of dawn. "**  
  
"No Al, it’s not about pancakes I'm not even at your house.” Matthew held back a groan of course America thought he was already there.  
  
 **"Yes you are its thanksgiving.”** Alfred droned rolling over squinting his eyes to the early morning light.  
  
"No I'm not, did you not notice that I didn't show up eh? Ya know what never mind , I can't make it down kuma is sick and I don't want to leave him here alone and come back to a house with bear vomit surprises everywhere ."  
  
 **"Not coming? What the shit dude? Whose gunna make my pancakes. I mean its Thanksgiving with out. Special awesome food the hell is it for. Stop this crazy shit and get over here!"**  
  
Mathew was livid it was all he could do not to launch into a rant at his brother. What was it for? Oh, I do not know maybe the fact that his brothers founding people were thankful to have escaped oppression, survived a grueling journey to a new world. Thankful for peaceful relations with the natives. Maybe just too able to spend a day with family and friends feeling happy and lucky to have those ties.  
  
But of course not, Alfred wasn't concerned with why his own brother wasn't there or even asks about the others supposedly sick pet. Oh, no he just wanted those damn pancakes.  
  
Matt pinched the bridge of his nose keeping these feeling from bubbling to the surface, even though angry words itched at his brain.   
  
"Look I'm sorry but I just can't. I'm sure papa can make them eh? "  
  
The American sighed dramatically into the phone. **" he cannot he will just make those stupid crepe things and they don't hold a cancel to your pancakes bro. Or Dad will try and I rather not have my kitchen burned down.”**  
  
Part of the Canadian felt a little better at the compliment. Nonetheless, he had made up his mind. "Sorry Al, I gotta go I think I hear Kuma. Sorry… Au revior”  
  
America didn't even get the chance to make a second plea before the line went dead .He'd been hung up on, The blonde stared at the phone before tossing it somewhere on the bed and starring up at the ceiling .  
  
 **"Mattie’s never missed a holiday…”** he said to the empty room .This didn't feel right but he was still sleepy right now. He would deal with it in a couple hours when it was cool enough to be awake.  
  


* * *

  
  
Canada hated lying, but what was the point of going to the gathering when it would always end up as it did every year. True this year their parents were actually getting along well, but still. Alfred saying crazy things would dominate dinner then Arthur would scold him about talking with his mouthful. Francis would end up drinking to much wine and trying to cop a feel on the Englishmen. This year he would most likely not get a slap from it though.    
  
Al would end up passed out in front of the TV with Kuma. That actually got to Matthew, that his own bear would betray him. The fluffy little Judas would always go and snuggle with America leaving him alone. That's how it always went, he would be the one to wash dishes quietly while everyone else was talking, fighting or sleeping. Then he would end up in the guest room alone watching the all day marathon of Gone with the wind or some children Christmas movie.  
  
So maybe he did hate telling a fib about having an ill little ursine to look after. However, would it matter in the grand scheme of things? Some how the little blonde did not think so. His brother hadn't even realized that he wasn't there. He figured his parents wouldn't care either. So why should he?  
  
Normally he would instantly feel terrible for disappointing anyone, go pack up his things, and be on his way. However, not this time, the little Canadian was sick of feeling bad for everyone else. They did not feel bad for him and the few times there was any concern on his behalf was shown it was only out of guilt. Matthew wanted to be selfish for once.  
  
The little blonde flopped on the couch curling up in the red fleece blanket starring at the fireplace. The flickering light of the flames dancing over the logs lulling his eyes half lidded. His mind began to drift, who really had ever shown an interest in him for other than pancakes or to fight in wars.  
  
Italy was nice, but he was nice to pretty much everyone. Ukraine to she was just a good person. There was the one time Netherlands thanked him for helping his people out during WW2. Mattie suspected that was more Tim's boss than he was though. Although the man was very attractive Canada knew Netherlands was harboring a huge crush for Ukraine.    
  
His family was, well his family so they did not count now. So who else there was Cuba, however Carlos had beat him up a few times mistaking him for America. His mind kept drawing a blank and that hurt, it broke him to think that no one noticed. Even though he had always been aware, that he was pretty well invisible to the other nations. He wasn't even seen at all if not for Kuma, People tended to notice a cute little fluff ball in the meeting room. Usually before, they even saw him.   
  
Still the actually reality of trying to take inventory of ones friends and coming up blank was honestly heartbreaking.  
  
Matthew closed his eyes; the heat from the fire warming his face as the darkness welcomed him in. There was something there though something he had forgotten. Someone, someone with an annoying and yet strangely charming laugh. That's right; Prussia had always been kind to him.  
  
Canada had not realized it but he had fallen asleep thinking about the German, his papa's friend had always noticed him hadn't he. Even before he noticed Alfred, he could remember the first memory he had of the man.  
  


* * *

  
  
_Little Matthew woke up to something fluttering above the bed he shared with his brother . It was early and everything was still blurry around him .' Mummy' had said they both might need something called glasses ._   
  
_Mattie looked around rubbing the sleep from his eyes when something small and yellow landed on his head . Reaching his tiny hands up he removed the little object reveling it to be a small fluffy chick . The boy smiled as he held the bird in his palms petting its silken feathers . The bird chirped soft nestling in his hands ._   
  
_Alfred and kuma were still asleep ,Alfie half drooling on the bear in question . Mattie decided to not wake them and go see if his Papa or Mummy where awake and show them his new little Friend that had woken him up ._   
  
_The toddler padded down the hallway the little white night gown dancing about his ankles .Tiny feet pattering on the dark wood floors as he ran holding his precious cargo in cupped hands ._   
  
_Emerging from the little hall ,Matthews new feathered friend flew from his hands ._   
  
_" oh no come back ! " his tiny voice called after the Sunshine colored little fowl._   
  
_Fallowing the sound of chirping Matthew caught sight of the dart of yellow as it foil its way to a new nest of wild white hair._   
  
_The baby nation stopped in his tracks tugging nervous lay at the hem of his night dress looking up at this new person he didn't know . The child didn't know if he should be afraid when the much bigger man turned at the coaxing of the little bird residing among his snowy locks ._   
  
_Matthew peered up trembling as his glittering orbs of indigo met the deep garnet of the pale skinned man ._   
  
_" Vell hallo little one " the man said smiling at him before kneeling down ._   
  
_This made him far less scary , but still ,Canada backed up a few steps . He wasn't very good with new people ._   
  
_Not like Alfred , a child that seemed like he'd never met a stranger in his life ._   
  
_No little Mattie was are more cautious ._   
  
_"B-Bonjour ..Misure " the little child said softly ._   
  
_The man smiled at him again . The little bird in his have flying out and landing again on the little boys shoulder snuggling its small feathered head on the young ones cherub cheek ._   
  
_"Kesesese ..Gilbird likes you . he doesn't do zat to just any one . " the man said to him with a laugh ._   
  
_Mathew thought this man had a strange way of speaking but in a way he liked it . The little nation smiled giggling at the little bird nuzzling his face ._   
  
_" who are you ? Are you one of my papa or mummy's friends? "_   
  
_Prussia had to laugh again at the mention of the irritable Englishman as ' mummy' ._   
  
_" Ja, I'm your Vatti's awesome friend . I'm the awesome Prussia ! . You must be Matthew right ?"_   
  
_The little nation nodded ,Matthew felt so happy one of his papas friend knew his name . He was so nice and so was his little bird friend ._   
  
_"Oui, your bird is very nice Mr. Prussia ." The little one said as Gilbird let out a happy little trill flitting around the child ._   
  
_" Ja, cause he's awesome as me ! I'm sure you play vith your Vatti's bird Perri  don't you ?" The elder Nation setting down crossed legged on the floor in front of the little one . Gilbert really loved kids , watching the little blond giggle and play with the little yellow chick made him think of his brothers . A bitter sweet feeling blooming in the mans chest as he smiled ._   
  
_" Non...Perri..he bites. " Matthew puffed out his cheeks with a pout to his lips to emphasize his displeasure at his Fathers bird ._   
  
_"What! zats so so not awesome .Nothing should bite a little cutey like you ." Prussia said tabing the little nation on the nose . sending the boy into a fit of giggles ._   
  
_But all good things must come to an end ._   
  
_"Prussia what vulgar things are you filling my boys head with." The voice of a rather irritated England came from the doorway ._   
  
_"Vat!? How is it you always think i teach bad things ! I am awesome and great with kids! " Purssia stood up defending himself ._   
  
_All the loud voices where unfortunately starting to frighten little Matthew ._   
  
_"Alfred get  over here what have i told you about talking to strangers!"_   
  
_"Shows vat you know  Eyebrows! Zats not even the right kid ! " Gilbert crossed his arms alittle annoyed with England accusing him of not being a good influence ,yet the blonde couldn't even identify one of his own children ._   
  
_"Oh..well..Matthew love you should know better . "Arthur said plucking the small boy up from the floor shooing the bird from the little ones wavy blue locks ._   
  
_"But.."_   
  
_"No buts love , you see this " England said with a smirk pointing at the albino ._   
_" This is an example of what you do not want to be when you grow up ..an arrogant man child "_   
  
_Prussia bristled at the Brits tone "Nien ! look here you tea sucker! If it vasnt for the kinder , id knock you the hell out you ,Arschloch ! "_   
  
_The two men would have continued on the volume of there exchange moving higher and higher if it hadn't been for the pitifully sobbing that came from the small child in England's arms ._   
  
_" Oh love ..its alright ." Arthur cooed bouncing the upset little nation in an effort to sooth the boy ._   
_"Bloody hell look what you did  kraut! "_   
  
_"Vat i did! i  did nothing! " Gilbert waved his hands in defense ._   
  
_"What is going on in here! " Francis walked in looking a little more than annoyed to have heard all hell breaking loose from the kitchen . When the Frenchmen caught sight of the crying child in his lovers arms he immediately took charge . Taking the child himself ._   
  
_"mon petit , what is the matter .shhhh...shhhh. Papa 'as you now . " Cradling the little child and kissing his forehead gently ._   
_"Lapin , you know Matthieu is sensitive to shouting ." He said coddling the now whimpering boy tucked under his chin ._   
  
_Before Arthur could even begin to mutter an apology the morning just kept getting better ._   
  
_" Mommy , Kuma , wet the bed. Not me ..cause hero's don't do that ..yeah." Alfred interrupted standing in the hall in a soiled night gown ._   
  
_" oh dear God .." Arthur pinched the bridge of his nose ._   
_" Frog you deal with this " Gesturing to Prussia  "I'll deal with that " Pointing to Alfred who was currently picking his nose ._   
  
_England disappeared down the hall  his other boy in tow to clean up the wet bed sheets that had been blamed on the bear . Leaving France now rocking a sniffling little Matthew ._   
  
_"Im sorry mon ami, Perhaps you should 'ead 'ome . We will get together later oui? " France smiled patting his quiet sons back as he spoke ._   
  
_"Ja, " Gibert smiled bending to brush a finger over the child's red cheek  drying away a stray tear ._   
_"No more crying ja? You vant to be Awesome one day right, I bet you vill be a great Nation just like me und your Vatti ."_

* * *

  
  
Canada woke up on his sofa chasing away the memory that had fresh tears on his face .  
  
"I didn't become anything like papa..I just became invisible ..."  
  
"hungry.." Canada looked down to kuma who was begging by the couch . He rolled his eyes , why wasn't he surprised .  The only thing that mildly needed him and it was mainly just to be feed .  
  
"Come on the eh? " Mathew drug himself into the kitchen filling a bowl with a mix of wet and dry dog food and slathered it with maple syrup dropping it in front of the  hungry fluff ball .   
"bon appétit" he said dryly before  pulling a small tin canister from a high cupboard .   
  
The Canadian slipped back to his bedroom shutting and locking the door taking a bong from his shelf before removing the contents of the canister .   
The blonde flopped back on his bed fishing a lighter from his jeans to enjoy his 'smokable holiday '.  
  
"So Canada ..what are you thankful for .." He asked the dark empty room with a sarcastic tone , as he Lit up .  
  
"Thankful I can do this in my country ...."


	9. Change

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ______________________________________________________  
> Warning : Adult Language, mention of substance abuse , Dark themes.
> 
> An: The reason Canada may seem a little OOC or 2p ,Is cause these are the stages of depression , i don't much like fics where Canada is instantly a mousy wimpy little thing from the jump . Obviously not everyone experiences things the same but I'm doing this to show the Spiral of a persons personality through the more clinical signs of mental illness . So bear with me , I truly hope this approach makes things not only more realistic but interesting for you readers . Remember comments are love and remember typos happen, I do not have a beta for personal reasons, so take this for what it is, a fan work . I don’t make money off this I write for fun that is all.

 

  
  
 **Chapter 9 - Change**  
  
The next world meeting was being held in Berlin and a very excited Prussian couldn't wait.  
  
Gilbert spent all morning trying to decide between several uniforms or suits. He hadn’t been this nervous to make a good impression in years. Finally selecting his black panzer uniform from his days during the war, because he felt it had the most striking look with his hair and eyes. He stared into the full length mirror in his room. "Ja…i am God of all things sexy und Awesome!" So the choice was clear.  
  
All of his big brother preening wasn't lost on Germany mind you. The blonde held a ghost of a smirk on his face wondering who it was the former nation was trying so hard to impress. Wracking his brain he vaguely remembered America had a new personal assistant, a human girl named Penny who had assets that could even rival Ukraine's infamous ' tracks of land'. Knowing his brother she was the likeliest suspect, but then again he never knew the older to go to this much work to impress some human girl or remember ones name for that matter. He honestly hoped Gilbert wasn't that smitten with the curvy young woman. Relationships with humans never ended well. Even Germany knew that, before he had come to terms with his feelings for Italy there had been a few human girls he had crushes on when he was still in his youth. But being a for the most part immortal meant watching those you care for whom are not like you move on with out you. With all Prussia had already lost Ludwig really didn't want to see his brother go through another heartbreak. Even if he knew the elder would never openly show it.  
  
"Vee! Germany. What’s taking so long" Italy pouted from the living room as he sat on the sofa entertaining Itatabby and Germouser with a feathered cat toy. All though the honey colored kitten seemed much more amused by pouncing at the larger grey feline’s tail. Much to the others annoyance.  
  
Germany came down the stairs straightening his tie, watching the play. He had to admit it was cute, trying hard to stifle the slight blush on his cheeks that threatened to give away his amusement. "Oh, JA. Prussia is still getting ready." he said coughing a bit on his clenched fist looking away from the all too adorable display.  
  
"That's odd...Gilbert is usually asleep in the car before you can even tie my boot laces for me.” Italy said finally letting the cats scamper off to who knows where. The little Italian slipped over smirking as he noticed the light rose in the taller mans face. Feeling a touch devious. He is related to France after all. Feli wrapped his arms around Ludwig's middle resting his chin on the Germans chest looking up with those big glittering amber pools. His lips drawn into a small pout, knowing exactly what he was doing. Feli loved that look on Ludwig's face, all bothered and hot.  
  
Germany thought his head would explode , why did Italy have to do this ? That face ...that look ..The blond internally damned the Italians powers over him . Him. The personification of a nation known for its strength ..reduced to a stuttering school boy .But before he could make any move to reassert him self .A booming voice came careening down the steeps along with thundering boots pounding on the wooden staircase .  
  
" All right lets go! Schnell ! Schnell !! West ! The Awesome me is never late ! " Gilbert shouted leaping over the banister behind his brother already headed to the front door. Gilbird buzzing behind his owner with excited little trills .  
  
"Bruder ,your never late because I am never late . " German narrowed his eyes slightly as he finally found the strength to pry Italy off his person . Still he was curious what had gotten into his big brother . Hopeful if Prussia had someone it would help the man calm down a bit . Maybe even behave the way he used to before everything changed . The younger really hoped who ever his brother had his eye on Prussia would finally find a way to put the past behind him .

* * *

  
Prussia sat in his chair arms crossed eyes glued to the door of the conference room . His heart speed up at each sound of foot steeps coming down the tilled hall way out side . Yet he wasn't seeing the face he was looking for . This just seemed to annoy him with every tic of clock . Like the little plastic hands moving about the face marking each minute of the hour was some how mocking him . He was centuries old and yet right now he felt like some teenager begging to hear a bell at 3 pm to signal his freedom . The man could help but let out an irritated huff ,crossing his keg over his lap . When should Canada show up ?

* * *

 **(Awesome POV)**   
  
Ugh...I finally figure out that I'm awesomely in love with Canada ,and work out how I'm going to impress him with my awesomeness and he's not here !. How dare he not show up to a world conference , he's a nation and pretty great one at that . Not as great as i was but we cant all be the awesome me . Even that dumkoff Russia and his creepy sisters are here . And that mega dick Austria ..over there being all ...stuck up with his ..face and his stupid hair. I can already feel my eye twitching just looking at his unawesomeness . I should stop before I throw up or something .  
  
I'd ask francy pants where Canada is but looks like he's ...ewww.. Doing something to England under his coat . The awesome me isn't a cock-blocker so i wont say anything . America has had his face glued to his cell phone , he hasn't stop texting and giggling like a little girl child since he sat down . No one ells knows who Canada is, which kind of pisses me off . Everyone should know I mean they have sports that involve bleeding! Don't even get me started on this liquid awesome called Maple syrup . Seriously I put it on some wurst...I wonder if Canada's lips taste like that ...Crap now I'm blushing .  
  
"Alright quiet down und ve all can get this meeting started . " West Says ..like always his first attempt is pretty well ignored . Silly West .  
  
"Shut up!" he yelled finally . Slamming his palms down on the table making a few countries nearly jump out of their skin .  
  
That worked . Everyone looks like their going to wet their pants , dose my heart proud really .Do you see his mean face ,I thought him that .  
  
But little Canada isn't here still . I wonder if he is alright? It would be so unawesome if he didn't come today , what with me looking so awesomely sexy like I am . Really a the mighty Prussia in uniform , Its a feast for the eyes . I'm surprised one of these losers hasn't dropped down to their knees to weep at the feet of my awesome body . Then I would have to turn them down since I only wish to touch Canada's vital regions . Shit ...now I'm thinking about it . Maybe West is right I hang out with Francis to much .  
  


* * *

  
  
Canada slinked into the Conference room with stealth that would have rivaled Japan . Had he not been noticed instantly by Prussia . Who was wondering why the little blond was skulking in 30mins late .  
  
The Canada found an unoccupied seat at the far end of the table and slumped down into it . Kuma curling up under his owners chair . Matthew honestly was in no mood to hold the slightly squirming bear for the meetings duration , and the polar knew it as the nation had already snapped uncharacteristically at his pet on the way there .  
  
Prussia instantly noticed the change in the northern country . Canada sat swaybacked in his seat ,his usual cream and brown wardrobe replaced with a baggy red hooded sweat shirt and jeans . Not exactly something you should wear to a meeting as the Representative for your country . He also had dark sunglasses over his eyes . The captivating eyes Gilbert honestly wanted to see right about now hidden behind the dark black lenses .    
  
The more the German stared he realized by the gentle rise and fall of the others chest that Canada was asleep .   
  
Now. Admittedly Prussia had slept through his share of meetings. They all had nodded of a time or two. For Gilbert this was usually during Austria's presentations, it was always something lame about music or a concert hall blah blah blah .He would end up snoring with in the first three to five sentences. He had never witnessed Canada sleeping though now that he really thought about it, Canada maybe one out of a handful that could actually pay attention for the whole meeting. That was impressive on its own. Which in turn made him wonder why it was the blond was dozing now, had he had a bad flight? Rental Car break down, Couldn't find a cab? Prussia ran over numerous scenarios as his red gleaming eyes bore a hole into the soundly sleeping Canadian. None of theses seemed to account for everything. This was un-awesome , the albino made the decision that he'd simply have to corner the other and see what was going on .  
  
The meeting it self was usual , Unfortunately before Gilbert could get out of his seat to go after this query he found himself blocked by his little brothers broad chest .  
  
"west! move the awesome me has some important business to attend to !" Prussia bristled  
  
Ludwig sighed looking behind him where Spain and France where currently trying to convince Lovino and Arthur to come out drinking with them . Germany could only assume this was the "important business " just more antics of the Bad touch trio . " Bruder ...nien never mind have a good time . " What he wanted to say ' please don't get piss drunk like you usually do .' 'please be careful ' Of course the younger would never say that and simply steeped a side .  
  
The blonde was surprised when his elder brother passed by his friends tailing what looked like a ...bear? Scampering out of the open double doors of the meeting room ?  
  
"veee! Germany! mio fratello said he was going out with Spain and big brother France can we go?" Italy drew his attention away tugging on his sleeve .  
  
"uh..ja..sure." When Germany looked back the meeting room was for the most part clear aside from the remnants of bad-touch .Minus their snowy haired ringleader .  
  


* * *

  
  
Prussia couldn't believe how fast the Canadian was! Having tailed him down and around the upper floor of the building he finally heard the familiar voice though being spoken far to loud . The German slowed his pace peering cautiously around a soda machine . Seeing something he never thought he would see.  
  
Canada Lighting into his brother with as much venom as agitated rattler .  
  
"Oh don't give me that Al..your don't in the least your just still mad you didn't get your pancakes ." Matthew crossed his arms looking annoyed over the top of his shades .  
  
Alfred had stopped him in the hall wanting to know where he was for the holidays , and why he wasn't taking anyone's calls again .  
  
"Mattie …I'm your brother I care!” America was honestly not sure what had gotten into his normally shy sweet twin. He had a notion it has something to do with the other appearance, the unkempt hair, bloodshot eyes. Slight scent of Cannabis, not that he minded his brother liked to indulge. After all the American did enjoy his share during the 60's and 70's.  
  
"Don't make me laugh Al; you have never cared about anything more than yourself. Hero this hero that. Your not a Hero of anything Al, I hate to be the one to clue you in but that is so annoying .No one can stand you! Its one thing for me not to have any friend’s people aren't even aware of my existence half the time. But you, who the hell are you friends with? And don't say Dad and Papa they are only acting out of obligation. "Mathew was absolutely seething poking his brother in the chest as he unleashed hell.  
  
Alfred didn't know what to say, True the brothers had there arguments but this was different.  
  
"You can’t say anything can you, so big 'hero' what about those countries you help out all the time? Oh that's right they can’t stand you either. God and I thought Poland was dense, you really take the cake .Giving money and aid to people who wouldn't piss on you if you where on fire! I wish you weren't my brother I would be so much better off. "The little Canadian growled out the words eyes blazing with hate.  
  
"M-Mattie.. y-you don't ...you don't mean that . I know you don't ." Alfred chocked back tears looking at his raging twin . The words hurt they cut like knives ,He hadn't felt this hurt since his argument with England during the revolution .  
  
Canada was seething his eyes wide and on fire . Beneath him Kuma had already scampered behind Americas ankles . " Oh I Mean it alright, Do you have any idea what its like for me ! Everyone knows you and i get mistaken for you . You have any fucking idea the crap I take just for YOU! You ignorant fucking Hoosier ! "  
  
"Хватит! ( Enough!)" A angry Russian voice lit from behind Mathew along with a heavy ping of metal striking metal .  
  
Matthew turned his attention to Ivan who was standing in front of the elevator pipe in hand next to a half smashed in trashcan. The Canadian narrowed his eyes and stormed up to the much larger man. A Hockey stick appearing in his hand out of thin air.  
  
"You think I'm scared of you?Don't make me laugh ,we can have a replay of the 2010 Olympics and I beat your ass up and down this hallway just like I did in the rink! ..Ha…you might can freak out those little Baltic's but I got news for you big guy .I'M CANADIAN! "  
  
Russia Gripped the pipe in his hand and the aura around him darkened. He had half a mind to smash in the brat’s skull right there had it not been for the tearful plea from behind the other.  
  
"Please. Stop. Just stop  …" Alfred had his head down clenching his fists at his sides put the tears falling down his face hitting his loafers made a soft pattering sound like a slow rain .  
  


* * *

  
Prussia could see from his vantage point by the soda dispenser ,the flash of regret in Matthews eyes as he watched his brother cry .   
  
"Fine... Lets go kumajiro.." Mattie's voice dropped some in volume as he looked back at the beat pawing at his twins pant leg .  The bear looked to his master but only sat down at the Americans feet .

  
"Fine stay traitor ! see if i care !" Canada grumbled before storming off .  
  
Gilbert wouldn't have believed what he witnessed if someone had told him second hand . Even stranger was watching Alfred cry into Ivan’s coat with the larger man stroked the blonds hair whispering sweetly to him in his native tongue trying to comfort the other .  What was going on.. this was all wrong .  
  
The albino ran past the pair as he headed for the elevators but it was taking to long and the numbers where heading down to the lobby . He needed to catch up with Canada and find out what was wrong with the usually kind northern nation .  
  
Gilbert groaned and dashed over to the stairwell , Looking down at the metal spiral rail that went down the narrow column an idea struck him . Who needed elevators when your Awesome and fearless! ... Thus began one of those things you look back on later and say 'it was a good idea at the time '  
  
Prussia straddled the hand rail and took a deep breath and slid down the 11 flights with nearly obscene speed when he made it to the bottom nearly slamming into the wall on dismount . After steadying himself ,and resisting the urge to drop to his knees  and kiss the ground thanking what ever god listening for not dieing , Prussia started out into the lobby .  
  
"Oh Herr, Beilschmidt, Heading out sir ? " A hotel worker approached him with his hat and coat .  
  
"Ja, Danke.  Oh , did you see a blonde man in a red sweat shirt come through here ?"  
  
"Nien , there where many officials exiting Sir , Perhaps you can check with the  car service. " The man handed him his coat and hat  and Gilbert clicked his heels nodding in thanks . The action threw the man a bit  but nodded none the less .  
  
Old habits die hard thought don't they?

* * *

  
  
When Prussia made it out onto the street he spotted the familiar head of blonde hair stepping into a cab . "Scheiße !"  
  
Gilbert pulled out his phone typing in the cabs plate; he was familiar with the company. He wouldn't lose Canada just yet.  
  
The German was tenacious when he saw something he wanted, or something that caught his interest .Right now he had his eyes set on beautiful northern nation with a love for hockey and maple syrup.


	10. Monster

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An: warnings - language, drug & alcohol use. Self destructive behavior.
> 
> Now time for my PSA -If You know anyone who exhibits symptoms of depression , lack of interest in former activities they loved , self isolation , risk taking , lethargy , or possible signs of substance abuse . Remember the best help is caring, be there to listen and if you feel they are in immediate danger tell someone. End of PSA.
> 
> Now my darling’s kind comments are love! ****Rudeness is not welcome****, Enjoy this installment.

  
  
  
**Maple POV**  
  
Sitting in the back of the cab, I don't even bother watching the scenery as it passes by, I don't care to take in the sights. I already know where I'm going anyway, a little motel in the seedy down town area. I chose not to stay in the nicer hotel with all the other nations, I didn't want to be bothered, and not that anyone would unless Al ....no not even Al would care now I guess.  
  
I rub my hands over my face and toss my shades to the seat next to me. Why did I do that, why did I say that to my own brother? Part of me wants to call him right now and apologize, tell him I didn't mean it and just explain everything. But why bother? I said what I did because I couldn't hold it anymore, I have the right to be angry don't I? He can just get over it can’t  he?  
  
 I want to be selfish. Why do I want to be selfish?  
  
My head is pounding with a migraine and I press my palms to my eyes hoping for relief in the false darkness the action provides. I don't want to feel this way, I just wanted……what? I don't even think I know what I wanted… I made him cry, it's not like I haven't before but ... the look he gave me like I was monster. It was different from any other argument; I told him I hated him.  
  
 **Maybe I am a monster.**  
  
The driver draws me out with his voice telling me we've arrived, his accent is grating as it begins calling out the total.  
  
I dig the notes out of the pocket of my hoodie; they feel damp from my hands sweating even though I had been wearing my gloves most of the day. I hand over the crinkled bills with out a word, not that the man was all that chatty. I feel like I'm forgetting something snatching the sunglasses off the seat and looking around the empty back seat before slamming the door. That's right I'm alone, completely alone, my Bear even abandoned me.  
  
 **It figures.**  
  
Stalking in through the dirty lobby the girl at the desk is too busy texting to notice I came back. I don't care; I knew this place wasn't five-star when I picked it. Its probably not even one-star, but I'm not here for comfort so who cares.  
  
Climbing up the narrow stairwell I come to the hall. Greeted by filthy orange carpet, a throw back to the 70's, and probably the last time it was cleaned given the various stains.  
  
My rooms at the back and you have to jiggle the handle and lean into the door just to get it to open. Inside isn't much to look at, not like it makes a difference. An old faded bedspread on a twin mattress pushed up in the corner, night stand, lamp, and an old corded phone. There's a wooden chair and a little metal table by the window and a bathroom. Not that washing in there would really make you feel clean I didn't even brush my teeth this morning cause when I went in there I found a Roach making himself at home on bristles of my toothbrush . Kind of makes having fuzzy teeth and morning breath seem appealing.  
  
I took a seat on the bed yanking off my hoodie, I did bother putting a shirt on underneath. Even if its winter feeling the cold helps in a weird way. I grab a red plaid button down from my suitcase to wear; I think there maybe a bar or something around here. I could ask the girl at the desk and hope she notices me enough to answer.  
  
If not I'll just wonder around for a while, how hard could it be to find a bar in Germany.  
  
I don't have to be back home till next Monday, its Tuesday now. My boss suggested I take a few days, she said I was looking a bit worn and a holiday would do me good. Just what I need right, six days wondering around in a country I haven't spent time in since the war. Just aimlessly walking around alone in the middle of winter. I could have gone camping if I wanted to do that. But no... "A change of scenery might perk you up eh?”. Of course I just smiled and agreed to it.  
  
 **That's what I do, I'm agreeable.**  
  
I run a hand through my hair, it feels a little oily but it doesn't matter I suppose. Not like I have anyone to impress. So I just let it hang loses around my face, I don't bother with a jacket when I leave this time. If lucks my side I won't be on the street long. If not well I don't care anyway, I'm Canada not like I've never been cold before.  
  
I trek back down to the lobby, clearing my throat to try and get the desk clerks attention.  
  
"Um, excuse me Miss.”  
  
She gives me this look of contempt as if having to do her job rather than take peek away from her phone was the worst thing in the world.  
  
"Was?”  
  
"Do you know where the local bar around here is located?” I ask and she just stares at me with narrowed eyes.  
  
"Down ze road, that vay." she points and goes right back to her texting.  
  
I don't bother with a thank you. Which is unlike me, but really she didn't do much.  
  
Outside I'm greeted with a cold gust of air .It makes my teeth chatter a little but I keep going. I can see the low hanging signage of the tavern at the end of the street so I don't have far to go. I turn off my phone and pop the battery out, tucking it in my boot.  
  
Need to prevent any drunken dialing. I don't plan on getting that hammered but I don't want a repeat of calling one of my parents or worse calling Al.  
  
I can take care of my self anyway. I don't need someone to rescue me. I don't need anyone.

* * *

  
 **Meanwhile**  
  
A very tenacious German was on the phone with the cab service he'd seen take away his fair little Canadian. After a bit of arguing and threats they folded, pulling the taxi's number and tracking its last drop off.  
  
Prussia had the address, though he felt uneasy about it. He knew where this filthy little motel was, he knew because he'd had to stay in places like it in the area when he and West would get into their arguments leaving the albino sitting on the side walk.  
  
"What are you doing Matthew ..." He said silently hailing a cab of his own.  
  
Gilbert estimated he was about 2 hours behind his target. Yes target, this had officially become a mission in his mind. And weather people liked to acknowledge it Prussia was by far one of the most intelligent when it came to things of this nature. Centuries of fighting, chasing ones opponent through the dense forests, training in any and all conditions.    
  
Times may have changed and swords were exchanged for automatic weapons but at his heart was still a knight.  
  
Garnet eyes shifted over the street as the former nation exited the cab, his long black jacket whipped in the breeze when the car drove away.  
  
Tightening down his cap Prussia entered the motel; he noticed the girl at the desk who was currently chewing gum with her feet propped up reading a magazine. He walked up striking the small silver bell a little harder than necessary but it got the job done. The young woman lowered her periodical with an annoyed grimace.  
  
She eyed his attire before addressing him in German.  
  
 **(Italics is meant to be spoken in native tongue because I'm not doing huge bits of German just to translate them XD)**  
  
 _"Can I help you?" the young woman's tone was bored with an edge of distaste._  
  
 _"There's a foreigner staying here, blond around five foot eight or so. Speaking English mostly, what room is he in?”_  
  
 _The girl looked him over again suspiciously. "Why, are you a cop or something?”_  
  
 _Prussia smirked folding his arms across his chest. “Or something, now tell me the room number.”_  
  
 _"Sorry I don't think my memory is that great Mr. Something, maybe I saw someone like that maybe not. I check in a lot of people most of them don't stick around you know." she pulled her feet down from their perch. If this man wasn't a cop she wasn't telling him anything, at least not for free._  
  
 _Gilbert rolled his eyes fishing out a few bills and setting then on the counter. "Think a little a harder hmm? I haven't got all day and I'm not what you would call a patient man.”_  
  
 _She took the money counting it before sticking it in her blouse. "Room 211, and before you ask we don't have spare keys.”_  
  
 _"Thanks, I won't need one.”_

* * *

  
  
Prussia headed up to the second floor and found the room. He wrapped his knuckles on the door way a few times waiting on the little Canadian to answer. When he didn't he tired calling through the door. " Can-na-da.... it's the awesome Prussia open the door …"  
  
Still silence, the East German grunted in annoyance before setting to picking the lock. If the little Canadian wouldn't open up he would just let himself in.  
  
Breaking into the shooty door didn't take long , unfortunately finding the room completely empty only served to further irate the ex-nation . Gilbert stormed down to the front desk; she could have mentioned he wasn't even there. The amount of time he waited in this little rat hole of a place was far more than he wanted.

* * *

  
  
_"Hey girly, why didn't you tell me he left."_   
  
_The woman smiled leaning forward on the desk. "You didn't ask.”_   
  
_Oh that was it, the albino was known to have a rather short fuse and he'd just reached the end with this human. Prussia reached back pulling a pistol from his waistband sticking the barrel under the girls chin. Her eyes widened in fear as he lifted her head._   
  
_Keseseses …" smart ass huh? Well let me tell you something, I don't like when pathetic little tramps like you waste the awesome me's time. My time is very valuable you understand, and I do not need to be standing around with a little shit stain like you playing twenty questions ...now, we are going to try this again or I give this room a pretty new red paint job. Do you understand? "_   
  
_Prussia grinned wickedly cocking the gun. The girl looked on the verge of tears holing up her hands in surrender as her body trembled in fear ._   
  
_" yes yes I understand , he....he ask for a bar I told him , d-down the street ! H-He left maybe an hour or so ago . P-please don't kill me ! I sw-swear that's all I know !" The young woman's blue eyes were wide terror begging for her life ._   
  
_"See now was that so hard ?...Oh, and if you call the police when I leave here I promise they won't be able to protect you . If your a smart girl you will pretend you never met me or the man I'm looking for ." he said pulling his firearm from under the girls head tucking it away ._   
  
_She nodded furiously and scrabbled back against the wall ._   
  
_"Thank you for your cooperation ." he smiled laughing as he clicked his heels and turned out the door ._

  
  
"Mien Gott I still got it. Keseseses. She looked like she was about to vet herself. Ah, the awesome Prussia never ceases to amaze. Now, to find Canada! "  
  
  
  
Gilbert could hear the altercation inside the bar before he even got the door. The voices of two men, the creak and squall of chairs across the wood floor. The harsh thud of a fist connecting to a skull, the rumpling of fabric as the unfortunate soul being torment is hoisted up from where ever they have fallen.  
  
"Oh look pretty boy isn't so pretty now is he?”  
  
"Stupid foreigner!”  
  
The two voices made the Prussian’s blood boil. That anger would be nothing compared to the rage he would feel as he opened the tavern doors. As garnet eyes feel on the bruised battered face of the northern nation being held up by his throat against the wall.  
  
Gilbert couldn't understand why Canada wasn't fighting back. Matthew was a nation; he could have taken care of both of these humans .Was he ill or drunk?  Those things didn't mater right now though, watching the little frail looking blond being manhandled by the two men was too much for Prussia.  
  
"Drop him now! " He growled out causing the men to turn .  
  
The one holding the indigo eyes male by the neck turned and let his cold blue eyes scan over the albino. Taking in his state of dress with a sneer. "Stay out of this solider boy.”  
  
The other broad chested male broke a bottle on a table and walked toward the Prussian. Unaware what he was in-store for. "This isn't your fight freak! So get outta here or you might get hurt.”  
  
Matthews hearing was muffled as the oxygen to his brain was cutoff. His glasses long ago knocked off his face and vision a flurry of black spots; he didn't know what was going on. In truth he almost wished for blessed unconsciousness. This all started when the two demanded he buy them a round for coming into what they called "their bar". He of course just ignored them and asked for a beer and went to find a quiet corner and hope they would just forget he was there.  
When they didn't he chose not to fight them, he didn't want to. He didn't care what they did. If anything he figured they would hit him and takes his wallet and then that would be the end of it. But it wasn't, these two didn't like that the blonde just kept getting up. They liked even less when he tried to leave.  
He just didn't fight back, he didn't care enough to. Yes it hurt…allot actually but something in him just shut down and took it. Something inside crackled like white noise and locked up tight, because if he let go.. If he let the thing inside that shouted at Al out.   
  
 He would kill someone .  
  
Gilbert bore his teeth he had had enough of this, he could see the little Canadians lips taking on a sickly blue hue from being choked by the larger man.  When the brute brandishing the broken beer bottle approached him, the East Germans movements were swift and deadly.  
His leather gloved left hand met the mans elbow bending it beyond its bounds providing a sick snap as it was broken. Prussia used his right hand hitting the mans wrist upward driving the shattered bottle into the brutes face.  The Drunken would be brawler howled in pain as the glass crushed into his ocular cavity with horrifying force.  He stumbled down at the former knight’s feet earning him a leather boot to the face.  
  
By now, the other male dropped his blonde prey to the floor of the tavern. Matthew coughed tiring to regain oxygen to his brain. He managed to get up from the floor, squinting his unswollen eye trying to see what was going on across the bar. Someone had come in to save him?  Perhaps the bar owner called the police?  No, he doubted that, Mathew watched as the man who was strangling him picked up a wooden chair and smashed it against whom ever he was fighting. The sound of the wood striking the body was horrible, he was sure who ever his would be savior was they were dead or hurt very badly. The thought of anyone being hurt for him made his chest tighten; he didn't deserve to be saved.  
  
However, after the explosion of wood on the frame of the man, he couldn't see; Mathew heard...laughter?  No not just any laugh, this was special this was crass and grating and yet endearing laughter.  
  
"Kesessesesesese .... Zat almost tickled.”   
  
Mathew’s mouth went slack for a moment …".P…Prussia..."  
  
The albino brushed off his jacket, blood leaking from under the shock of silvery hair in a trickling stream frown his forehead down the side of his nose to his lips. He smirked licking at the coppery liquid as he grinned like a mad man.  
  
"Wh..What are you!" The man took a step back. However, it was too late.  
  
     The man soon found an elbow being thrown into his face, stumbling to side his world a spinning haze. Prussia was not near done with this one, no he was seeing red. Gilbert reached forward, grabbing a handful of the mans filthy brown hair jerking him down and smashing his knee to the mans face. The drunk bolted upright from impact his nose now a river of blood down the front of his white tank top.  
  Before he could even register this new over whelming pain a right open palm slammed his forehead, his head snapping back painfully. Gilbert Laughed and snatched the mans exposed throat.  
  
"Tell me something how dose it feel to not be able to breathe?” He hissed tightening his grip on the man bringing him to his knees. "Pathetic!” He spat head butting the man sending him falling back into a heap on the tavern floor.  
  


* * *

  
With the men dispatched, Gilbert rushed over helping Matthew to his feet. The bruised Canadian pushed the helping hands away staggering away and out of the bar. The East German hot on his heels.  
  
"Matthew vait! Vhat do you think you vere doing letting those losers beat you up like that?"  Prussia said grabbing the fleeing nation by the shoulder.  
  
"Just leave me alone!” Mattie took off running away from the albino. The cold air burned as his lungs inhaled breathing  in deeply. He could hear the heavy foot falls of boots on the pavement behind him as he ran. They were getting closer, to close; he couldn’t face Prussia.  
  
The little blonde took off into the first side of foliage off the road; surely, the other wouldn't fallow him that far would he? What was Prussia's deal why go to so much trouble for him?   
  
Matthew did not consider the fact that Prussia knew these lands like the back of his hand. Running from the man did nothing but irritated him .He just saved the young man from strangulation, why was he behaving like this? What was so bad in the nation’s life he would allow humans to do that to him?   
Gilbert fallowed the runaway into the wooded area every sound in the night familiar; he knew more about what it took to track in this environment than almost anyone.    
Therefore, it did not take long to fallow the sound of crushed leaves, the nap of a twig. Soon he had sight of the blonde darting through the frost laden trees.   
  
Unfortunately, for Canada in his tear clouded already blurred vision. He did not see the drop off on the ground and tripped tumbling a few feet down a snow bank.  
  
"Canada!  Mien Gott the hell are you running for! "Gilbert shouted climbing down picking the young man up.  
  
"Why do you care?” Matthew shouted back struggling in the Prussian's strong grip.   
  
"Because.” Gilbert stopped …he could not say …' _because I love you '_ that would just sound absurd.  
  
"Maybe I didn't fight them but damn it I will fight you if you don't let me go!" Matthew’s voice cracked, he didn't really want to fight Prussia. He just wanted to be left alone, left to be invisible like always.  
  
"Then do it! Because I'm not letting you stay out here und freeze if I can help it!”   
  
Mathew pushed Gilbert away knocking the former nation off his feet. Though this didn’t last long, Prussia was back up and pinning the Canadian on his back in the snow.   
  
"Vhat is the matter vith you!" shouted the former knight.   
  
"I'm Sick of it ok!” Mathew cried out, his hands griping the Germans uniform… "I just don't care anymore ... What can I do?  .... All this time. Almost 200 years ...No one sees me ... Everyone forgets . I can’t do it anymore Prussia...I just can’t. "   
  
Gilbert looked down at the weeping boy underneath him; he was such a child still. He cupped the blondes face gently and kissed his forehead. "Shhh..Come on now the awesome me is here . I see you . ..I see you.”  
  



	11. The moment I said it

  
  
  
Prussia held the crying nation against his chest, rocking the younger man back and forth in the snow until the whimpering subsided into silence. When he looked down, he saw the boy had fallen asleep in his arms. The older man smiled taking off his long black coat wrapping the small blond in its warmth before picking him up bridal style.  
  
Mathew was much lighter than he looked, it caused a pang of worry inside the East German. For a nation not at war to physically deteriorate it was as though the human personification had simply lost the will to live.   
  
Once they were out of the woods Prussia knew he was not going to take the young man back to the filthy hotel. No, he was taking Matthew home. Gilbert did not care what his little brother would have to say about it. After what he had heard the little Canadian say; there was no way he was just going to take him and leave him in that dank depressing place.  
  
Prussia was surprised and slightly worried when the little Canadian did not stir at all through the cab ride to Germany's house. This could be much worse than he thought.   
  
When the two arrived, Gilbert noticed his brother still was not home. That was fine, in fact - he was glad, it meant he would not have to explain this situation for a while. West always over reacted to things anyway; one would think Germany would be used to unconscious men being brought in his house with the amount of times Gilbert or Francis had been drug in piss drunk.  
  
Prussia shifted the slender body in his arms as he opened doors and headed down to the basement. Laying the blond on his bed, he removed the heavy coat and began looking the slighter male over.  
  
Gilbert grimaced at the bruises on the side of the Canadian’s face and around his neck. That did not have to happen, he hated seeing Canada’s peachy porcelain skin marred so with the ugly blotches of purple .There was a small amount of blood crusted on the young mans lip and nostrils, thankfully his nose didn't look broken.   
  
The albino sighed unbuttoning his shirt as he walked into the adjoining bathroom. Tossing the button down to the hamper, he looked over him self into he mirror there was blood on his face but nothing he demoed to serious. A quick splash of water and he was fine, here gingerly inspected the split at the crown of his for head. It had already scabbed over and was hidden by his hair.  
  
"Ja, still as awesomely hansom as ever!” He said grinning at his reflection.  
  
When the Prussian returned he had a small bowl of water and a washcloth, pulling a chair up next to the bed and turning on the lamp; he took to cleaning the young nations face. Gilbert was still concerned by the others lack of reaction to being touched. Had he struck his head? On the other hand, was Mathew really just that exhausted?  
  
Gilbert's eyes lingered over the younger man’s  sleeping expression some how - even it looked sad. He reached out gently brushing a strand of  fair golden hair over Canada’s ear. He leaned back in his chair looking at the slighter male, assuming it may be best to try and at least make him more comfortable. Prussia moved and began unlacing and removing the northern nation’s boots, he noticed the thump on the floor from something falling from the boots. Upon inspection, he noted it was a cell phone and battery. He wondered why someone would do that but disregarded the question in favor of resembling the cell.  
  
When the welcome screen popped up showing several missed calls, voice-mail alerts and texts. Prussia rubbed the back of his neck with uncertainty. Most of the calls here from France and a few from England. His eyes lingered to the boy currently passed out on his bed, should he let the boys parents know?   
  
 On the one hand, Francis was his best friend. On the other, would he have wanted someone to tell Germania when he was at that age if something like this had happened…?  
  
 No, he would have been fearful of the ancient nations disapproving gaze, that gold steely blue that could bore in his soul; measure it and find it lacking.  Gilbert would have rather died than been subjected to such judgment.  
  
He could not do that to Matthew, betraying the young mans trust by calling his family would do nothing but harm the other. True if the Canadian had suffered any sever  physiological damaged he may have called France, but as it stood it seemed to Gil the main damage was deeper than the few bruises. And Mathew didn’t need to be lorded over by either of his parents at the moment. Moreover the display the younger man had put on out side the meeting had more than proved a disdain for family intervention at the moment.   
  
Mathew needed to speak to someone he could be on equal footing with. Someone with out a familial bias, Gilbert just hoped he could do that for him. 

* * *

  
  
Prussia had left his sleeping guest in favor of digging some left-overs out of the fridge, he reheated a plate of pasta and grabbed himself a beer before heading back down . When he entered the room, he noticed Canada sitting up on the sit of the bed with his head in hands.  
  
Gilbert set the plate down on his dresser and hurried forward trying to urge the younger man to lie back down. "Hold on there Canada!”  
  
"Where. Where am I.." The blond drawled through a groggily haze.  
  
"Ah in my lair of awesomeness of course!"  
  
Matthew looked around and though his vision was a bit blurry and his face hurt he could take in the general aspects of the space. "Huh…it looks like a basement …"  
  
Well that sure took the wind out of Gilbert's sails. Sure, the lair of awesome was in-fact a basement. His brother’s basement if you wanted to get technical about it. However, the East German would argue that that did not make it any less awesome. Furthermore, he would point out a solid list of reasons why it was Awesome, like- he had the biggest room in the house -that was high point, biggest bathroom another point; and the acoustics down here where great! Therefore, it was still awesome! Yeah....  
  
"Still Awesome …"The Prussian muttered before easing the blond back down against the pillow.  
  
"I'm sorry …" Matthew, said sheepishly looking away.  
  
"Ja its fine, I found your phone vhen I took off your shoes.” Gilbert said handing the young man his cell.  
  
Matthew eyed the device a moment clicking through the texts most of them angry wanting to know why he yelled at his brother and made him cry. The Canadian sighed and tossed the phone to the side. "Thanks … Look I should probably go; I have a motel room so..."  
  
"Nien you vill stay here not that roach pit!” Gilbert crossed his arm he was not budging on this subject.  
  
Canada rolled over with his back to the elder former nation. “I guess you called my papa too huh."  
He drew up his knees hugging them to his chest thinking about France's face and the ultimate look of disappointment he would have after hearing what happened. Nevertheless, it was to late now wasn't it, the tears collected in the corners of his eyes he never meant to be a burden. Why did Prussia bother with him why could not he just be left alone like always?  
  
"Nien, I did not call francy pants.”  
  
Matthew heard it but he didn't expect that. "Why not…” He sniffled  
  
"Because, I don't think you need Frany und Iggy  bitching at you right now.” Gilbert had a mater-of-fact tone as he got up and took his food from where he had left it. Thankfully, it had not cooled down  enough to be unappetizing. "Are you hungry?”  
  
"Non…”  
  
Gilbert sighed and climbed up on the bed, the sudden dip in the mattress made Mathew pop up wide-eyed. However, before he could say anything he was being pulled into the Prussian's lap. "You’re going to eat und that's it.”  
  
When he opened his mouth to protest Mathew only got a fork full of pasta. He really was to tired to argue or even care, part of him felt warm that this man seemed to care a great deal about him. Enough to save him, bring him home, and even feed him. Gilbert could have just as easily called someone else to deal with him. Yet here Prussia was holding him and caring for him. It was confusing and the more Mathew thought about it the more it hurt in a strange way. The way that he knew this was only temporary, that's always how it was.   
  
He would be forgotten eventually.  
  
Prussia ate along with the blond who was now taking up the space on his leg. He carefully watched Mathew take each ever-quiet bite, he could tell the other was thinking about something. The albino was startled when tears began to stream down Canada's face.  
  
 "Hey was this now!” He said setting the now empty plate on the bedside table.  
  
Gilbert soothed away the blond tears with his finger tips, but they continued to fall. Like a floodgate had been opened. All he thought to do was hold the sobbing young man tighter. He almost wished this was the first time he was in a situation like this, and then he would have an excuse for feeling so inept.  
  
Unfortunately, he had been the one there for Francis to sob on every time Arthur kicked him out. He had been the one to drag Antonio from the bar wailing about his 'lovi ' being mad at him.  
  
However, what this moment reminded him most of wasn't either of the trio members. Holding the shaking crying boy in his arms as the blond clung to his shirt as if he would disappear, made him think about his brother. Not that he looked on Canada the same way, it was just the feeling the others pain wracked sobs brought out in him.  
  
Just like holding Ludwig when he was young and afraid.  Or that first time he saw him when he went home again with his brother after their long separation. Even though the larger man tried to hide it Gilbert knew when he put his arms around his baby brother for the first time in such a long time, he could feel the moisture sliding down the collar of his shirt and feel the subtle shaking of  larger man. The tears were quiet but they were there he knew by how Ludwig hung on for dear life- just like when he was a child.  
  
It was that same feeling; seeing Mathew cry hurt him. It tore into a deep place and filled it with raw pain that pulled and scalded his nerves. The feeling you get when the person who is hurting means something to you. When you understand that pain on a level akin to your own. That's how this felt.  
  


* * *

  
  
It was just after midnight; Gilbert sat on the bed resting back against the headboard, letting his hand rub gentle circles on Matthew's back. He heard the front door upstairs open and close accompanied by a  heavy set of footsteps moving up the stairs. Most likely, judging by the pace of the sound, Feli was passed out and Ludwig was carrying the Italian to bed. He knew he would have to explain Matthew's presence in the morning, not looking forward to that.  
  
For now though, the albino was feeling more content than he had in a long time. Being sober and feeling like this was kind of a big deal for him.  
  
"Sorry … I fell asleep on you," the small voice said from his chest  
  
"Its fine, I know I am an awesome pillow." he replied still stroking the others back  
  
There was a long pause in conversation. It made the darkness in room seem thicker added to the fact neither was making a move to untangle from the other. Prussia knew he had to ask, he had to know. Maybe Matthew needed to say it to, to have someone listen because they wanted to.   
  
"Mat ...Vhat you said back there, about not vanting… To do this anymore… Vhat do mean.” There was a slight fear in the Prussian’s heart; he did not want to believe the dark intent I those words.  
  
Matthew clutched the soft white cotton of the tank top the other man wore a little tighter. Putting on his fake smile,  
  
"Nothing, it didn't mean anything. I'm just tired eh? "  
  
Gilbert knew it was a lie.  
  
"Ja, okay.” he slipped the Canadian from his lap and pulled up the blanket. He did not care if it was strange to the other he was going in to sleep next to Mathew anyway. He was going to protect the younger nation and that was that, even if that meant protecting Mathew from himself.  
  
"Go to sleep.”  
  
Canada could have said no, but he didn't. To be honest other than his brother or his parents he had never shared a bed with anyone. Somehow, curling up next to the German felt natural and comforting. For a little while, he wanted to know what it felt like to be cared for. Even if it didn't last, it would be more than he had before.  
  


* * *

  
  
In the night, Gilbert wrapped his arms around his bedmate pulling the slimmer male close. Pressing his face into the crown of the young mans hair nuzzling him. For the first time both nations had smiles on their faces as they slept.  
  



	12. Good morning beautiful

  
  
  
Gilbert woke to the desperate fluttering of a little yellow foul. Gilbird had apparently let himself out of his cage and was trying to wake his Master by thoroughly mussing the East Germans hair.  
  
The sleepy albino cracked open an eye to glare at his feathered friend, currently perched on his temple looking back expectantly. Blinking beady black eyes and cocking his little head left and right as if to say ‘why are you not awake yet’.  
  
"Ugh... Fine. "He groaned shooing the bird away for the moment.  
  
Prussia then looked over finally remembering he was not alone, the sight that awaited him  nearly making his heart stop. Matthew peacefully sleeping, snuggling the German’s now painfully numb arm.   
  
**So cute.**  
  
Gilbert somehow managed to wiggle the sleep stricken limb away from the slumbering Canadian. He honestly didn't mind the tingly pain of pins and needles or the little bit of drool on his forearm. He smiled watching the younger man sleep for a moment .Unfortunately Gilbird was having none of his masters tender interval and began peaking at the mans head insistently.   
  
Gilbert glared at the bird, waving it off and heading to the bathroom." JA ja I know its bath time, crazy bird.”  
  
Prussia filled a shallow bowl with lukewarm water and set it aside for the trilling little canary to splash in before relenting and stripping himself to begin his morning. Turning on the shower, he could not stop thinking about the sleeping blond just a few feet away. He groaned damming his mind as he steeped under the hot spray. Gilbert had other things to think about, like how he was going to tell his brother, and if he was going to tell France. In addition, he had no idea when Canada intended on going home ...Canada ...Canada. Those eyes of clear mesmerizing indigo, those lips that were parted ever so slightly in the morning sun .  
  
Prussia found him self-griping the body wash so hard the plastic was cracking. He set it aside with a curse and switched the faucet to cold. It was brisk and uncomfortable but it did the job to remove the temptation that screamed in his lizard-brain to march right back to that bed and ravish the young nation until the man was speaking in tongues.   
  
After his shower, Gilbert came out in a towel to see Matthew was still asleep, although now the young man was cuddling his pillow.  
  
So cute.  
  
Gilbert bit his knuckle this was boarding torture already, a lesser man would have gone mad with sexual frustration, however he was awesome. Prussia quickly dressed and headed upstairs, it was early so he was sure that only his brother would be awake. He needed to have a word with Ludwig, and hopefully contain this situation before an excitable little Italy woke up.

* * *

  
  
Gilbert had the misfortune of find his brother making coffee in his boxers. The rare and illusive creature known as ' hung over Ludwig '. It was not a pretty sight, which is why it rarely happened.  
  
"Ugh ...West, put some pants on.” Gil covered his eyes over dramatically, considering he had walked naked through the house on more than one occasion. Of course in Prussia’s mind - when he did it; it was just ‘ sharing the awesome’ and in no way indecent exposure.   
  
"Shut it, und vhy are you even up zis early.” Germany growled his accent even harsher than it usually was. Trying to hang with bad touch proved too much for the younger German.  
  
Prussia rubbed the back of his neck; he would have to bring this up the right way. However, it was early and lying before breakfast was hard. Honesty! here goes nothing!  
  
"I ...I need your help bruder.”  
  
Germany thought he we still drunk for a minuet. On the other hand, maybe this was a dream; it had to be if Gilbert was really asking for help. The blond looked over and sure as day his big brother was serious. This was it, Armageddon had arrived. That was the only explanation; the end of days was upon them.  
  
"You ...need my help?" he just needed to clarify  
  
"JA or did drinking make you deaf.” Gilbert bristled, this was serious.  
   
"I'm lizning.” Ludwig poured him self a nice strong cup of coffee for this one. He half-expected Gilbert to say he had a dead hooker in the basement.  
  
"I brought someone home last night. And vell,"  
  
 **Oh sweet Jesus no**. Ludwig spewed his coffee halfway across the room, this was it the dead hooker conversation he just knew it. The larger male started coughing gripping the sink.  
  
Gilbert patted his brother on the back thinking something went down the wrong pipe. "Slow down West Mien Gott.”  
  
"Is …is she dead.” Ludwig managed to choke out.  
  
"Was?" now Gilbert was confused  
  
"Zhe hooker you killed Bruder! Oh, Mien Gott I knew zhis vould happen one day. "  
  
Gilbert could not help but laugh, most people might be offended that their own flesh and blood would assume they had murdered someone. However, the look on Ludwig's face was just priceless  
  
"Vhy are you laughing!” the blond bellowed almost sure now the other had lost his mind. Killing prostitutes will do that apparently.  
  
"Keseseses oh west.” Prussia had to stop and wipe away a tear from laughing too hard.  
  
"I didn't kill anyone dumbkoph if you just let me finish. I brought someone home last night und I need you not to freak out. Und before you ask ist not a hooker it’s Canada. I need you not to say anyzing to anyone about it though. "  
  
Germany was relived there was no dead body but still, it did not make this any less weird. "Who is Canada?” he rubbing his face it really was too early for this and he was still coming down off of the irrational fear that Prussia had potentially murdered a lady of the evening in his basement and descended into the life of a heinous serial killer.  
  
Gilbert scowled, he hated that no one seemed to remember Mathew half the time.” Canada, America's brother.”  
  
Realization finally struck the larger male as he poured himself more coffee. "ja, um France und England were talking about him last night. Vhy did you bring him here anyvay, Is he all right? "  
  
The albino sighed, ' is he alright' that was the million-dollar question. "Nien ... I... I just don't know West.”  
  
Ludwig had now seen his brother serious twice. Not only serious but worried, that was rare, he could count on his hands the number of times Gilbert had been honestly worried about anything. They were all pretty important instances, except for the times when it was about beer. So now he really listened, watching the older mans body language as he leaned on the counter, snowy brows knitted together. Whatever as going on it meant something very important to Gilbert. Therefore, Ludwig was going to trust him and do as he asked.  
  
For all the times Prussia followed him and helped him without question. Even when it had cost his brother dearly, he could do this much for Gilbert.  
  


* * *

  
  
After several cups of coffee an agreement had been reached.  
  
"Ja, so I vill take Italy for a day trip vhile you figure things out vith Matthew.” Germany set down his mug, now he just had to keep Feli entertained for a while. Not hard there, pasta and shameless humping in the back of SUV should do the trick. His ears got a little bit red thinking about that last part.  
  
Gilbert smiled a bit , there where times he felt like he and his little brother were not as close as they used to be . It made him remember how things used to be, and see that his little brother still did care, even if neither one of them got all hallmark about it .  
  
"Danke West.” he said getting up and walking out of the kitchen, though he paused feeling a large hand fall on his shoulder.  
  
"Good luck Bruder, your…Doing a good thing.” There was a ghost of a smile on the younger’s face when he looked back. For a moment with his messy hair and goofy little smirk, Ludwig looked like the kid he used to be.  
  
"The awesome me doesn't need luck west!” He grinned right back before stomping off to the lair of awesome.  
  


* * *

  
  
Thankfully Matthew slept the rest of the time it took Germany to usher a rather confused but excited Italy out of the house. Now Gilbert just had to wait, he would have the day to figure this out. He had no idea when the little nation would be leaving the country for his home so he was on borrowed time until he found out.  
  
Prussia knew tomorrow they would have to tell Italy, especially if Canada would be staying for a few days, but he would cross that bridge when he got here. For now the albino sat at his desk checking his blog, it was a half-past 11am. He let his eyes flit over the sleeping blond every now and then.  
  
 **So cute.…**  
  
Now Matthews had joined cuddle fest with the Prussian’s pillow by Gilbird. The little canary was snuggled up to the boys chin puffing out his feathers in bliss-filled dreamland. He had never seen his little fowl friend take to anyone like that.  
  
"Ung…” Prussia snapped his head over at the sound. Matthew groaned a little rolling over, sending Gilbird floating back to his owner.  
  
The East German got up walking over to the bed just as the blonds’ long lashes lifted reveling those breath-taking eyes. "Prussia? ...oh…I…I am so sorry! "Mathew started to bolt up only to find to gentle but firm large hands on his chest slowing him down.  
  
"Easy, Lizen Mathew, ve need to talk about vhat happened.” Gilbert would have liked to ease into this but he did not know if he had the time. Moreover, to honest he was the kind that would rather rip off the Band-Aid than coax it off. In a manner of speaking.  
  
Mathew however just looked away he felt so small and wanted to make himself smaller under the others gaze. For all his wanting to be noticed now that he was it was not for a good reason. He had given up; it did not seem fair that only now when he was broken did someone show an ounce of concern. What if that all this was, would Prussia forget him like everyone else if he offered that same smooth lie. Say, ' I'm fine I'm tired, it was the stress or I was cranky from the plane ride.’ He had so many now excuses, reason, and scapegoats for the pain. No one questioned him, he was Canada after all. Quiet, clean, reliable and invisible.  
  
"Oh that, I was just ...a little drunk and jet lagged I guess. I feel much better now though, Merci Prussia for taking care of me. I am sorry to have troubled you; I will be on my way so there isn't any need for you to call papa or anyone eh? "The blond pulled on his fake smile that dulled his eyes and waited for the other to agree like everyone else. Then he could leave and punish himself for being so stupid as to run off at the mouth in a moment of weakness.  
  
Gilbert saw straight through the act, he may not have been the sharpest on a lot of social quest but he could point out a lie. "Nien, but nice try. Vant to tell the awesome me the truth now or ve can sit here all day. I have all zhe time in the vorld.” Prussia crossed his arm narrowing his gaze a bit.  
  
"P-please ... just let it go. It's not important, so just..." Mathew was cornered now and this never happened before even his family turned a blind eye.  
  
"Nien it is now tell me.” The over snapped a bit thou he didn't mean to  
  
Mathew didn't know what to do; he covered his ears and shrank down into the bed linens.  
  
Now Gil just felt like he kicked a puppy, he leaned over rubbed the blonds back. "Canada ...listen I know the awesome me maybe hasn't been around you much other than vith your vatti. However, I alvays noticed you. You vork hard und you vere great in zhe var . Und your maple syrup is ....mien gott its like almost as awesome as me .Almost, so you are important und I vant to know vhy someone as awesome as you looks like you hurt so bad ."  
  
Prussia was almost surprised in him self for being so raw and honest . Somehow he just wanted to be , he wanted to speak as softly as he was doing now to Mathew he wanted the slighter male to feel safe .  
  
"Do you...really think I'm awesome ? " Mattie whispered from under the pile of blankets .  
  
"ja , I do now vhy don't you come out und you can take a shower and ve can make pancakes und worst . I even have maple syrup."  
  
".....you do. " the upper part of Matthews face came out , his curl bouncing in front of his face .  
  
"Ja I do , it even Canadian like you " Gilbert smiled poking the tip of the younger nations nose for emphasis .  
  
Mathew blushed a bit and sat up . "ok , but all my clothes are back at the hotel ."  
  
Prussia hadn't thought of that , and honestly he tough Canada was taller than Italy so that may not work . Also the last time he went in Feli and Ludwig's bedroom he found things that made him question his life . " You can barrow some of she awesome gear I have ,though it might be a bit baggy ."  
  
"that's fine , I like baggy. as long as its no trouble ."  
  
"Nien, vell zhe bathroom is over there , und I'll leave some clothes for you out . " Gilbert patted Mathews leg and got up letting the younger man out of bed .  
  
After Mathew was in the bathroom Prussia did as he'd promised and played out a pair of blue track pants and a tank top he laid e jacket to the pants on the back of the chair . He knew Canada always wore thick costs and hoodies so he assumed the young man was just cold natured .  
  
If only that were the real reason .  
  
 **-Maple POV**   
  
I undressed and got in the shower...this was Prussia's shower ...i don't know why the thought about him using it makes my heart beat so fast. He's been so nice , its going to be even harder when he forgets me ,but still . I cant even banish the thought and i just feel stupid for it , come on Mattie get a hold of yourself !.  
  
I knelt down curling over into a ball ,letting the hot water hit my back ..i have it cranked all the way up and it kind of hurts but i don't care right now . My fingers slide over the tiles , I have such long slender fingers , just like Alfred . I still remember when we where little and papa took us to Mr. Austria’s house to teach us piano , All got bored after about 5 minutes and whined until he got to go outside where he ended up play fighting with  
  
Ms Hungary . When it was just me and Mr. Austria he praised me for listening and playing the little melody so well with so little practice . He said my hands where made for music and patted my head . I felt so good to be noticed to be told I was good at something.  
  
It hurt even worse at the next meeting we went to with dad and papa, Austria didn't even notice me and ended up asking Al if he'd been practicing and patted his head . Everyone always forgot me eventually , I wonder how long i have before Prussia will to .  
  
Watching the water circle and escape down the derail I wish I could make myself melt and go along with it . Just disappear with out a trace . Like the time we went with dad to some thing for his magic club with Mr. Romania at Mr. Denmark's and Mr. Norway's house . Kuma had gotten away from me and was chasing Iceland's Mr puffin . Lukas didn't like that it made Emil cry and he put kuma outside . He didn't even notice me go after my bear and had locked the door behind him . I sat out on the back steeps in the cold rain for 2 hours before Al realized I as missing and freaked out screaming that I must have been abducted by vampires or ghosts . Dad was so mad when they found me soaking wet , he cried and told me never run off again . He wouldn't even listen to me when I tried to explain .  
  
The water's going cold pelting my red scalded skin like tiny needles , just like rain . That was the first time I wished I'd just melt into nothing and wash away wasn't it .  
  
" Hey, Canada are you alright in zhere ? " Gilbert's voice is muffled through the door but I don't want to worry him.  
  
"oui " I call back shutting off the shower head and start drying off .  
  
I'm glad the mirrors all fogged up I can't stand looking at myself , then again the idea crosses my mind peering at the foggy blurred reflection . Is this really what I'm like to everyone ?  
  


* * *

  
Mathew smiled looking at the slightly thin and ..slightly burned Pancakes . Gilbert noticed the faint smirk the younger was trying to hide behind his hand .  
  
"Ja, I'm still perfecting them ..." Gilbert smiled and rubbed the back of his neck , he couldn't help but let his eyes travel over the other .  
  
The way the track pants hung on the blonds hips so low it was sinful . The tank top fit well , Gil wore them tight anyway to show off his awesomeness , though it looked nice on Mathew . There was something almost possessive in his heart over seeing the Canadian wearing his clothes . He vaguely wondered what the peachy skinned blond would look like with out of that jacket and pants .If he would blush in those little underwear and tank-top and try and cover himself ..... **so cute.**  
  
"Um...Gilbert..Your getting syrup all over your hand ." Prussia was brought back to reality by the soft voice .Looking down he had squeezed the maple syrup bottle while fantasizing and cause the substance to coat his hand .  
  
"A hA ja .the awesome me doesn't know his own strength ..that's it.." Gilbert played it off and hurried to wash his hands . Damning himself for getting so distracted ,he was suppose to be helping Mathew not ogling the boy like a pervert .  
  


* * *

  
  
After eating they went and sat on the back porch in the patio swing, Gilbert lit the fire pit to give a bit of warmth before setting down next to the blond. They sat in silence for a while watching the flickering firelight, it was not an uncomfortable silence though. Oddly enough, Matthew seemed to relax and sink into the upholstered swing next to the German. Prussia nonchalantly yawned to extend an arm behind the blond; he felt this was a very awesome move.    
  
Still, Gilbert didn't know the reason for the little Canadian's behavior and it bothered him.  
  
It was now or never. Gilbert angled himself toward Mathew and looked him in he eyes. "Mathew, You need to me vhat is bothering you. Und don't say its unimportant, zhe awesome me is asking so it is.”  
  
Mattie sighed and sat up a bit tugging at the jacket sleeves. "I guess its ok, you'll just forget like everyone else eh?” he gave a sad little smile and Prussia felt something in side him crack at the sight of it.  
  
How could the young man have been so hurt and just now have someone see it. He felt a pang of guilt for all the time he had been around And never noticed, it was always about the BTT. Francis always referred to the little wavy haired nation as his good son . The polite gentle boy, it seemed everyone always believed what they wanted to. While hindsight is 20\20, there was a sinking feeling in the pit of the albino’s stomach that if he had not pursued the other it may have been to late.  
  
"I’m tired I guess, being alone, being invisible, and always smiling like its ok. I just wanted to be angry to not care for a while. I never asked to be a country to have to live this long in my brothers shadow .Always having to remind people who I am; I don't want it anymore, I just ..." Mathews voice quivered.  
  
Gilbert took the boys hands in his. "You’re not alone, your Vatti, Mutti und bruder love you. I don't think you give Francy pants enough credit . All zhe times he cried over old bushy brows he vas avays happy that he had you . You mean so much to him, even the scone sucker , he might not say it but your his kinder too . America can be ... himself, but your bruders und I know vhat its like to have a bruder . Even if you fight he vill alvays noticed you und care for you . Und..... I vould miss you."  
  
Mathew listened the last part specially caught his attention ."..Prussia ..I .."  
  
"nien , call me Gilbert ."  
  
Mattie couldn't hold the tears back , Gilbert was right he hadn't thought at all about how lucky he was to have his family . How if got his wish they would feel the same way he felt right now . Even more so that someone other than his family cared so much about him . The little blond threw himself against the albinos broad chest .  " I just.. I don't know what to do ...its all just been to much i cant fake it anymore Gilbert . I'm so scared .."  
  
Strong arms enveloped him . "Shh...The awesome me is here . No need to fear Birdie .."  
  
Mathew sniffled and looked up ." birdie?"  
  
"JA ...your soft ,yellow, und cute just like a bird ." Gil smiled and hugged the younger nation .  
  
Mathew just blushed bright red and hid his face letting out a muffled thank you .  
  
 **Later**

* * *

  
  
"Say Birdie..when do you have to go home to your place . " Gilbert asked tossing the boy on the sofa a beer .  
  
"Oh ..sorry , i guess your brother wont like having some random person in his house eh? I still have that motel room plus all my things are there . My Boss wanted me to take a week since she noticed I've been a little off ." Matthew mumbled patting Aster on the head ,the dogs had come out to investigate and were all 3 vying for attention . Blackie and Berlitz where whining trying get on the sofa to .  
  
"Nien , You vill stay here ,I can call west to pick up your things on his way back . Und i already told him you vere here , as anal as he seems at meetings he’s really not so bad .Italy really mellowed him out . " Gilbert shooed the dogs away feeling a little jealous of the belly rubs they where getting .  
"Plus Zhe awesome me can show you around ."   
  
The two laughed and clinked their beers together . As they drank Gilbert couldn't help but want to savor that smile on the Canadians face .If he could he wanted it to always be their , and maybe because of him .


	13. A Thousand Years

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN *** This is CRack.lemony.Fanservice . A little break from the angst to some RusAme love so enjoy !!! If that’s not your think idk I guess don’t read this chapter, as always!!! Kudos and Comments are cake, but as thumpers father told him; if you can’t say something nice don’t say anything at all.

  
  
After the argument between the North American twins, Ivan had taken Alfred back to the American’s hotel room with Kuma in tow, as it seemed the bear had chosen the less angry blond to stay with.    
  
In truth, Ivan did not know what compelled him to stay, true ever since Alfred's little strip show he'd been thinking about the tan blue-eyed beauty. They were even speaking a bit more; honestly, Russia had wanted to smooth things out after the cold war. He didn't really hate America even if he said rude things to him often. Perhaps he just always felt the need to keep others at arms length since they all left in the end anyway. Maybe in some sick way Ivan never really feel like he was loved until he was hated. It was easier to get people to fear you than to get them to like you.   
  
Ivan could remember when he first saw little America, the child was running around at his first meeting wearing  his little shorts and suspenders annoying England and France with a million questions, scaring some of the countries with his  fake musket that popped loudly and sent up a cloud of white powder.   
Russia found it so cute when the young boy managed to hogtie Lithuania during a rather high-spirited game of hide and seek. Nevertheless, when he went to praise the boy for his capture, England would launch into his "don't you touch my son you creep" speech while France just looked terrified and took Canada and America out of the room.  
  
 He wouldn't have hurt the boy, but as always that's all the other nations thought of him. That he was some monster capable of harming children.   
  
It was no surprise that when America grew up he felt the same. Then something changed along the way. When Alfred started breaking away and think for himself, Ivan could see it in the boy’s breathtaking eyes. The fire and fight brimming in those cerulean orbs, then the Revolution came.    
  
That was when he first felt the odd pangs of love came to life in the heart Ivan thought was dead .Or maybe he's loved Alfred even longer, before the little nation took his first breath. For as long as Ivan has loved Sunflowers, for all the cold nights he prayed up the deep endless sky for someone… anyone that wouldn't be afraid of him. However, never did he think he would be any closer than the ocean that separated them from expressing this love.  After all, who would love a monster?   
  
Yet here he was, and he didn't even know what he did to deserve this. He'd tried a few times to say something but when was it? What was it that finally made the American want to forgive him?  
  
America looked so pitiful crying because of what Canada had said. Russia never seen the self-proclaimed hero cry before, it just made him fall farther in that abyss of infatuation.  Instead of leaving Alfred there he wordlessly took the young nations hand and his bags and took the blonde out of the hotel. America didn't even protest when he was taken out of Germany to Russia's house. He just sat there numb to the word around him, hanging on to the older nations hand like a lifeline.   
  
It was late when they got there and Alfred had fallen asleep, Ivan carried him in putting the slumbering man in a guestroom. He was wondering why, he did these things, it was true they where friends now but had he crossed the line? Did he care? Part of him said no he did what he knew was right, the look on the younger's face as he sobbed reminded him so much of Katyusha. He wouldn't want someone to leave his precious sister to cry, even if she did it all the time.    
  
There was more to it than that though wasn't there? He thought sipping a glass of vodka before finally settling down into his own bed . Ivan couldn't bear that look of hurt on the American's face, which was why he let the slighter male cling to him and cry. That was why when he saw that quiet look of sadness as the usually boisterous young country sat there in his hotel room he couldn't leave. Ivan honestly thought Alfred would be gone by morning, once he figured out where he was he'd find an excuse to go home. They all wanted to leave.   
  
But just once, he wanted to feel like a hero. 

* * *

  
  
The next morning Ivan was wandering from his bedroom when he noticed the door to the guest room a jar. The morning light filtering through the frosted glass windows cast a shadow of someone standing before the hazy winter light of dawn.    
  
Curiosity got the best of the violet-eyed nation, peering in through the open door the sight that greeted him made his heart nearly escape his chest.  
  
America stood facing the window, barefoot and shirtless in a pair of ratty black shorts that hung off his hips in a lazy fashion. The garment was tinged on the right leg with spray paint in the pattern of his flag.    
  
Ivan found it hard to even breathe for a moment. The way the light illuminated the other mans face as he stood with one hand to the cold windowpane.  The way the light played over the Americans features, the blue cast of morning making the young man looks a bit paler than usual.   
  
Alfred wasn't wearing his glasses, Ivan soon noticed, those cornflower blue eyes where unshielded and looked even more beautiful being kissed with the first rays sun that reflected off the frozen earth below.  
  
Yet for all this beauty that the young man exuded, the elder nation couldn't help but notice those eyes lacked their usual mirth.    
  
No smile was present, just a look of quiet contemplation. A hint of sorrow, the same look Russia remembered the first time he saw the other after the U.S Civil War. The same look that over the years grew deeper with each loss.   
  
Solidarity, Sadness, Strength everything and nothing. A look so many of them had worn a time or two. Russia had learned to hide his with a frightening smile. The nations were all good liars when you got down to it. When you take the hearts and minds of an entire country and pour them into one body. When you force the burdens and dreams of a people onto the shoulders of one man. When it never ends, they all learned how to manage.  
  
In a way he felt both honored and intrusive to be able to look upon the American in is moment when his walls where down, he wanted so badly to ease that pain. Perhaps the others hero complex was rubbing off on him.  
  
It wasn't until a single tear slipped from those eyes as vast as the Oklahoma sky, did the Russian feel his feet move on their own.  
  
"Amerika?”  
  
America looked up hastily wiping his face throwing on that trademark brilliant smile. This one however didn't meet his eyes; it was a fake mask crafted over the years- one he used a lot. Alfred and his brother were the same when it came to never wanting to trouble others. On the other hand, perhaps Al's reluctance was just pride, not wanting to seem weak in front of anyone.  
  
"Hey, Russia dude! Good morning man! Say, thanks for…ya know yesterday." his voice trailing in volume not sure how to address what had happened. What was still happening, thinking he had ruined any shot he thought he might have had with the man before him? Why would Russia want someone who cried over something like that? Something that was mostly true.  
  
Ivan stepped closer trying not to let his eyes linger over all the bare skin, the tattoos, the scars, every inch of caramel kissed flesh that had become a siren song to his longing heart. Being so close he wanted to reach out and let his fingers play along every faint line and curve. More than that, he wanted America not to lie. He didn't want that false bravado between them anymore. "You will tell me truth Da, Amerika. You are not okay I see this. "    
  
The words so blunt just left his mouth perhaps he could have said them better but did how mater?  
  
Alfred's face fell a bit rubbing at the back of his neck. "I'm that obvious huh? Yeah it’s..." Not a big deal, he wanted to say, Fine now, he wanted to say. He wanted to play the unbreakable hero, but locking onto those deep violet eyes that held no motive, only concern. He didn't lie, his mouth would allow it, and his heart wouldn't allow it.  
  
"It’s... He. Was right about me. I... I haven't been anyone's hero for a long time. It's because of me he gets shit from people; I've managed to get the entire world to hate me.”  
  
Russia just smiled closing the distance between them taking the youthful nations chin in his grasp angling the boys face up to him. A blush crossed Americas face as there gaze meet, Ivan could tell the other was fighting it. Nevertheless, for whatever reason he didn't pull away.  
  
"Not everyone, you are still so young Amerika. Do not worry of what your brother tells you, many people will hate you and hurt you for as long as you exist. What you do with that hurt will make you a hero little sunflower.”   
  
Alfred’s blue eyes went wide, "sunflower, so it was you ..."  
  
Ivan was confused when the young nation pulled away turning his back. At first he worried, he went too far by touching him; Katyusha was always telling him that not everyone liked that. It was so hard to reign that in though, all he ever wanted was to have someone who would welcome his touch.  
  
He watched the American for a moment considering an apology when he heard the younger speak.  The blond nation’s shoulders trembled slightly as she pulled a folded piece of paper from his wallet.   
"You …wanna know why I did what I did, why I tried so hard to talk to you again.”  
  
Actually, he did want to know, at first Ivan was sure this friendship was just Alfred’s boss trying to strengthen relations. However, when he thought about it, it seemed like more. He never thought on it to much because the wintry nation learned never to hope for more after all these years.  
  
"Da, America …why?"  
  
Alfred turned around and unfolded the small bit of paper and Ivan recognized it immediately. Because he had sent it to the American, thirteen years ago. After that horrible September day, Part of him that felt so crushed, in a moment of boldness he sent the letter but did not sign it.  
  
America unfolded what was a card now its paper was warn and crossed with lines, it was plain a faint lavender color parchment paper on the front in plain print was a single word. Hope.  
Inside was a simple handwritten note, the scrawl was fine and beautiful. "Turn to the light little sunflower, grow through the pain. Stand tall over those who would destroy you, be the hope of your people. "  
  
Alfred read it aloud smiling. before holding the worn letter to his chest ,looking up at the Russian as if the mans violet eyes where his only lifeline "It wasn't signed , I never knew who sent it but it went more to me than anything because it wasn't some grand gesture . It was just for me, I tried so hard to figure out who it was and I thought it could have been you and the more I thought about it. Even with the way things were, I just... I couldn't stop thinking about it. Then I remembered, for all that we say to each other, all the insults, I never hated you. I was never really afraid of you; I...I even admired you. "  
  
Ivan took a step closer placing his hands on the younger mans bare shoulders, feeling the warmth underneath his cool hands. He allowed his palms to glide down those tone arms feeling the tense and relax of the Americans biceps. Drawing Alfred into his chest, he smiled feeling those arms wrap around him. They stood there embracing in the silence ,Ivan’s larger hand resting in the small of Alfred’s back , the other carding through his hair .  Finally, the deep yet soft voice spoke beside his ear.  
"Ya tebya lyublyu... Fredka...moy podsolnechnika, ty moy geroy" (I love you ...Alfred...my sunflower, you are my hero)  
  
Alfred looked up and smiled, "I love you to… ya big commie.”  
  
Ivan smirked.” You learn Russian?"  
  
"Cha…Rosetta stone bitches.” Alfred grinned, that vibrant smile that sparkled in his eyes. The smile that warmed that cold place in the Russian's heart.

* * *

**You know what this warning is you foaming at the mouth fangirls**

* * *

  
  
Ivan rolled his eyes, pausing the gentle touches to the Americans hair as a rather evil thought crossed his mind. Which of course he acted on immediately, "Fredka...tell me …" He smiled seizing Nantucket. "Your cowlick, it is like Italy's curl Da?"  
  
Alfred trembled and whimpered clinging to the older nation’s shirt. The blond panted more as his treacherous strand was pulled and stroked between the larger male’s fingers.  "Ah…ha...st-stop…Th-that's not…ahhh…fair."  
  
"Moy podsolnechnika, all is fair when becoming one with Russia."   
  
America managed a defiant smirk despite his face growing redder with every tug of his cowlick.  "Hey now not …ahh…n…n-not so fast big guy, Wh-what's to say your not ah-ha...gunna be one with the. The good ole U.S of A.”  
  
"Interesting proposal, but, I have counter offer." Ivan's free hand slid down the younger nations back cupping the tan blonds rear pushing there hips flush together.  
  
Alfred’s mouth went dry, either that's where Ivan kept his vodka bottle or the Russian was happy to see him .Finally that joke about the extra small condoms made sense, America wasn't sure he was ready for what he was about to get into, or rather what was about to get into him.   
  
"Hey big guy how about we rock, paper, scissors for who tops? Best two outta three whatta ya say?"  
  
"Nyet… no games Amerika." Ivan brought his arms under Alfred’s rear and picked the smaller blond up grinning like a mad man carrying him out of the guest room.  
  
"Hey hey! Dude! I can walk ya know.” Alfred steadied himself holding on to the elder nations shoulders. Soon they walked into another bedroom, this one much larger and much nicer.  
  
"Whoa...is this your bedroom. See, I don't know why I was picturing something weirder than this.” America said, looking around at the warm neutral tones of cream and chestnut the fur rug out before a fireplace in the corner. It was like a photo out of a magazine, it seemed sophisticated even romantic, not at all what he thought.  
  
Alfred felt a streak of guilt for assuming it would be some cold lifeless room utilitarian in nature. Ivan smiled anyway, he didn't mind he even found the slight blush of shame to the others face quite adorable.  
  
"You like it da?" He said seating the younger nation down on the bed with a little bounce.  
  
Alfred suddenly felt a little nervous; he was on Ivan's bed...alone. They just confessed there feelings and both where sporting some tenting to their vital regions. Was this moving to fast? Maybe they had always been headed here and they just needed that little push. "Um…yeah brah …it’s kinda awesome.”  
  
He watched Ivan draw the gold panel curtains’ blocking out the light suddenly the room was enveloped in darkness. Alfred heart started to race, thankfully the light was soon returned by the flickering fire.  
He felt the heat in his own cheeks watching the golden light dance across Ivan’s features. Glittering in his platinum blond hair and in those amazing deep violet eyes.  
  
Ivan knew he was being watched and walked over sitting next to the blond. "You are blushing Fredka." He said with a smile feigning innocence.  
  
Alfred looked away, he wasn't going to be treated like some love struck schoolgirl oh no he was the hero! A rather sadist little smirked crawled on his lips and before Ivan could say Stolichnaya he had a lap full of America. Oh the tables turned, not that he minded honestly.  
  
"So are you …Vanya…” Alfred drawled, turn about was fair play wasn't it?  
  
Soon before they knew it the two were caught in a rather heated make out session. Alfred’s desperate fingers giving up on buttons and tearing the shirt off the older nation. Equally, desperate kisses from the older peppering the Americans tan chest feeling each other’s heartbeats through the skin-to-skin contact.  
  
America’s world twirled around him and he found himself looking up at the fair-skinned Russia. The mans usual sinister smile now replaced with a look of adoration. The blond gasped feeling a large hand palming him through his loose fitting jeans.  
  
  "Ah…ha...I. I’ve never..." Alfred sputtered, looking away almost ashamed that while he was no saint he'd predominantly  been with women, and the few men he'd been with he was usually the aggressor.  He'd never allowed himself to have any vulnerability with anyone. The idea of letting another person have that much power over him seemed too frightening, too dangerous, too close to the heart.   
  
"So Innocent little sunflower, I would never hurt you...unless asked.” Ivan said before sliding down the Americans jeans. Leaving the young man clad only in his black Ralph Lauren briefs.   
"do not fear me now Fredka…”  His soft deep voice had a pleading tone.  
  
"No, I just …" Alfred rested on his elbows reaching up slipping his fingers along the scarf the other wore.  
  "Show me ...you always wear this. I know what people say, but I mean dude. If I'm going to ya know I just, I want to know there's something only I know about you. Cause only you will…ya know with me.” His face went scarlet, hoping he wasn't asking too much. Maybe it was silly but Alfred felt like if he had something special, some little something that only he knew about the other man it would give him back something. The fact that he was allowing this at all was a big deal but that didn’t mean he was totally helpless.  
  
"For you then, but I do not wish you being uncomfortable Da? It is not the prettiest to see." Ivan slowly unwound the scarf, a gift from his big sister to hide his insecurities. The act of unwinding the soft hand knitted token felt worse than the pain he felt when receiving what lie just beneath the pale fabric.  
  
As the wrapping slid away the reality of a live wrought with pain and turmoil could be seen etched into the expanse of tender flesh.   
  
Alfred’s heart broke seeing the scars some looked like they where made by ropes or chains, others where thin like a blade. He swallowed thickly and reached out running his fingers over them, he could see Ivan searching his eyes for disgust but they held none. "I …won’t let it happen again ...I promise, I'll save you if anyone tries to hurt you again. "America said leaning up kissing along one of the more prominent marks.  
  
"Always the hero, little Fredka…” He had never felt so accepted; this was what he'd been waiting for.  
  


* * *

  
  
The bed became a tumble of sheets and blankets clothing discarded to the floor and hanging from the posts. Chaste kisses swiftly turning wicked and wet, teasing bites and trailing tongues exploring their bodies in turn. Touches so gentle they help a whisper of promise, a truth to the warmth behind them.  Hands roaming and groping, stroking awaking flesh leaving them both gasping and keening in pleasure. Soon it wasn’t enough and with a single glance they knew what was next.  
  
  
Alfred panted and wince hanging on Ivan’s shoulders as the other prepared him. The tingling burn traveling up his spine melting into something far better. He remember the sound of the lubricant popping open, it seemed a million miles away now. The apprehension of it chased away by the thick prodding fingers working their way inside him.   
  
"Ah…There!”  Alfred gasped and groaned feeling something inside sing under the pressure of the Russians fingers. His nails bit little half-moon shapes into the others pale skin, hanging on as his hips push down chasing that feeling. However, Ivan didn't mind, he'd long wanted to see this face of the American, begging for him in sweet abandonment.  
  
 “Jesus fuck… god… I… I’m ready hurry up!”   
  
Ivan withdrew his fingers and gripped the back of the Americans thighs pressing the younger mans legs wide, admiring the flex of muscle on the others tan stomach. “ Ask nicely Fredka..” He said sweetly looking at the blushed face beneath him.  
  
“I swear to lady liberty if you don’t fuck me right now I will nuke your ass!” Alfred moaned bucking his hips up in defiance.   
  
Well Ivan couldn’t have that now could he, so in one swift motion he bottomed out in the eager nation.  
  
Alfred’s mouth formed an O and his blue eyes went wide. Some breathy stuttered sound escaped his lips and Ivan was mildly concerned until Alfred grasped his own ankles and through his head back muttering “yes.. yes.. yes”   
  
When their bodies where at last flush together at last there was no stopping now. Loud drawn out moans became breathless commands and pleas  for more. Broken English met with the rhythm created by bed-springs.  Fingers lacing together in the sweat dappled linens.  
  
Ivan was sure that Alfred was a vision from heaven, some warring angle that had been corrupted with blood and given to him  as a gift. Even the tainted image still to beautiful to touch, yet here he was. Buried into the tight heat watching the youthful mans face,  neck and chest flush crimson as he squeezed his eyes closed and moaned like a harlot. The Russian could barely hold it together hearing his own name said over and over in a mix of broken moans from quivering bitten lips.   
  
"V…Vanya! Ah, ha…yes! God...ah, I…love you! "  
  
 Oh and that…that struck him like an arrow in his frozen heart.  
  
"YA lyublyu tebya...ah…ha Fredka… diplom dlya menya…”  
  
Alfred was practically drooling… he could hardly remember what any of the Russian words meant. His brain switched off for autopilot. There was just too much going on  and to many endorphins flooding his nerves with pleasure. His body jolted unable to hold on any longer, baring his face against Ivan’s broad chest clinging and shaking when everything in him uncoiled in a blossom of blinding Ecstasy. Every sound faded into a echo, even his sight fogged, whiting out into nothing.  
  
A scream of unintelligible syllables fell from his lips.  
  
Ivan groaned feeling his partner reach his peak, tighten around him and convulsing for a moment. He held on to the slighter male knowing he wasn't far behind, pulling Alfred’s hips against his own he let go. This was honestly far beyond the tactile sensation of the act they where engaging in, this was every fear he ever had washed away. Every longing that burned in his lonely heart, all the nights he felt the bitter chill of winter wishing only to have someone warm that wouldn't run away.  
  
They both collapsed to the bed, Alfred tucked close to his new love. He let out a bright laugh between his panting for breath.  "Dude...that was...Awesome!'  
  
"Da…Sleep now …" Ivan rolled his eyes a little at America’s childish nature. However, he had to admit it was adorable.   
He pulled the bed sheets up over them cuddling close, it felt nice to share a bed with someone. Especially, his little sunflower.  
  



	14. You make me feel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh and for reference: Vash- Switzerland, Lars - Netherlands ...in case ya know you didn't know.

  
  
Prussia called his little brother and explained the situation along with asking the favor to stop at the rattrap of a motel and pick up Canada's luggage. Germany agreed if only because he had not seen Gilbert behave so seriously in years. The younger brother thought that perhaps the soft-spoken northern nation was a good influence on the arrogant former kingdom. He desperately hoped so.  
  
Italy even felt it was a good idea, after having to have who Canada was again explained to him, he felt rather bad once he remembered. He blames his lapse in memory on lack of pasta.  
  
Therefore, it seemed everything was set; Mathew would be staying there for a week as Gilbert's guest, now all that was left was for Canada to call his family whom he has been ignoring for the past 24hours. This was easier said than done.  
  
The first call went to America, mostly to apologize and to beg the favor for his twin to watch Kuma for him. What Mathew was not counting on when he called his brother was someone else answering the blonds phone...a very Russian someone.

  
  
"Um...hello...is um…Alfred there?" Matthew was honestly stumped at why Russia was answering his brother’s phone. He was also a little worried if he was honest with himself.  
  
**"Da, he is."** Russia answered Mathew could hear someone one loud in the background did not take a rocket scientist to figure who was shouting **"Gimme mah phone ya damn commie!"**  
  
There was a slight tussle with ...was that giggling? Canada pinched the bridge of his nose waiting until his brother came on the line.  
  
**"Yo, the hero here! Who this is! "**  
  
"Um…Hey Al, it’s me Matt listen I ...I wanted to say I was sorry I…I d-don't mean w-what i said I'm …So sorry Al." Matthew swore he was not going to cry but he really was sorry about the awful things he said, even if at the time it felt good he did not mean to hurt his twin like that.  
  
**"Hey, man...gah…Ya know what its ok. I was just worried about you ya know. What’s going with you anyway, you know you can tell me and I'll do whatever i can to fix it. That's what heroes and brothers are for right dude?"**  
  
Canada wanted to confide in his twin, he wanted to tell him the truth, but what was there to say? Alfred could not fix this no one could, it had been going on for to long. His mind was turning to quicksand and he could feel it in is bones. Matthew had to find his own way out of the hole he'd dug for him self, or lay down in it and accept it as a grave.  
  
 Even with all of Prussia's kindness Mathew quietly doubted himself and anyone who seemed to care. The last thing he ever wanted to do was burden others with his problems.  
  
"I'm fine,” He lied. "Just jet lag maybe low blood sugar or something; anyway I didn't mean what I said and even though I don't have the right to ask anything of you after what I said. If you still have kuma with you, would you mind watching him for the week? If he's too much trouble you can just drop him off with Netherlands he usually does not mind watching him. "  
  
**"Nah bro I gotcha! Plus I'm not home right now anyway I'm um...over at the ruski's place. "**  
  
Matthew smiled hearing the smile in his twin’s voice. "I gathered it was something like that, so I take it your having a nice visit with him then?oh, and please tell him I apologize as well for how rude I was to him."  
  
**"Yeah, plus Ivan actually really likes the fur ball so we can watch him for you no biggie. And don't worry so much about the big guy. He didn't take it that seriously."**  
  
"Oh so it’s _Ivan_. And _we_ now is it?" Canada had to poke a little fun at his brother.  
  
**"Duuuuuudeeee! Come on bro! Well where the hell are you at anyway! Shackin up with some hottie you met after the meeting...those German chicks are freaky you better be careful. I might be a hero but I'm not rescuing you from some creepy S &M club just cause you where chasein some strange."**  
  
Matthew blushed looking over into the hall where Prussia was getting his bags from Germany. Thankfully, Ludwig didn't mind stopping at the dodgy little hostel to pick them up. "I um…I'm not with some chick Al you should know me better. I’m visiting with a friend that's all. I just need a break  and my boss knows about this so it’s not a big deal eh?"  
  
**"Yeah ok, but for serious broseph... call me if you need me ok?”**  
  
"Oui, I love you Alfred you know that right? You, papa and dad I really do I'm sorry for making you worry but its fine now .Any way I need to get going I'll phone when I'm going to come pick up Kuma, ciao"  
  
**"Yeah bye luv ya bro!"**  
  
The phone clicked and the call ended. So at least America wasn't upset at him now, he really didn't want to call his parents though. He knew how England would get all suspicious and have a hundred questions and Papa would be just as bad. So he settled for a text, apologizing for the trouble and that everything was fine and he was taking some vacation time to get his head together. That was less than ideal but it was better than having to listen to the edge in his fathers voices. That would just make the little Canadian feel even worse than he already did.

* * *

  
  
"Hey Birdie is everything alright?” Prussia had noticed the odd look on the little blonds face as he stood in the hall glaring at his cell.  
  
"Huh, oh um non everything's fine, I just talked to my brother he wasn't mad or anything which is good." Matthew's reply still seemed a bit empty as if there was more to it.  
  
Gilbert decided to test the waters with what he thought might be troubling the younger male. "And have you talked to your Vatters yet?"  
  
He could tell by the tensing in the Canadians shoulders he was right. "Oui, well kind of I sent them a message. That's fine right? "  
  
Prussia could tell that Matthew needed a little reassurance so he threw on his signature grin and slapped the young nation on the back and said " sure! plus I'm sure Francy pants is busy doing Gott knows what to the tea pirate right now anyvay."  
  
Matthew made a grossed out face that in turn, had Gilbert burst out laughing. "Sorry about that Birdie"  
  
Their moment of levity however was cut short by a blur of auburn and blue.  
  
"Canada!” Italy squealed flying past the albino to glomp the little blond nation.  
  
"Oh im-a so happy you came to visit! You can show me your pancakes and i-a can show you to make pasta! It will be a great time!"  
  
Mathew fell against the wall with the smaller auburn haired man hanging around his neck. He was honestly surprised Italy remembered him and seemed so excited about his being there. Letting a little bit of happiness bubble up Canada smiled and gently slid out of the Italian's hug. "Of course that sounds like fun eh?"  
  
"Italy, I zink it is getting late und you should leave Canada to Gilbert to get settled in." Germany interjected coming up behind Italy and scooping the man up under the arms like a misbehaving cat.  
  
"Oh, merci Germany for being so kind as to get my things and let me stay. Oh and please call me Mathew eh?" Mathew said softly looking down at the floor.  
  
"JA, its fine. Have a goot night Can… ah.. Mathew.”  
  
Gilbert watched his brother go half scolding Feliciano for climbing all over him and Italy laughing and whispering something that made Ludwig's ears turn red.  
  
"Keseseses, crazy kids. Any vay I will show you to your room ja?"

* * *

  
  
Mathew was having a pretty restless night in the guest room; he'd never actually slept completely alone before. When he was little he and Alfred shared a bed, and he always had Kuma.  
  
Now laying alone in the twin bed in the small simple room, he felt a twinge of fear. He internally accosted himself for being so pathetic; he was a grown man after all. The blond sighed sitting up in bed looking at the jarred door in the darkness. He had an odd urge to get up and shut the door as if he'd need protection from what could be lurking just beyond his field of vision.  
  
Just as he was contemplating this the door began to creak and slide open a bit wider on its own causing the young man on the bed's heart to pound in his chest . "h-hello…” Mathew called out.  
  
There was a sudden flash of white pouncing onto the bed and Canada let out a less than masculine little squeak diving under the covers. The room went silent as the blond trembled in fear; apparently, he had bought into his brothers fears of ghosts and things that go bump in the night. Mathew was just mid mental concoction of what terrible specter had to be hovering above the sheets when he felt something tap his head and give a loud "meow"  
  
Well ghosts don't meow that was for sure. Canada pulled the sheet back and came face to face with a scruffy white tom cat. The feline almost looked like it was grinning, with its tattered ears and scarred eye.  
  
"oh, hello there." Matthew said quietly, he honestly didn't know there were three cats in the house having only seen Germouser and Itatabby earlier that day. This older cat must have been out side, and by the look of its dirty black and white bow fastened to the cats studded collar the old tom spent allot of time out hunting in the garden.  
  
Canada slipped his fingers over the cat’s collar as it crawled up into his lap. Fingering the small brass toggle in the dim light from the window he saw the name "AwesomeCat" engraved.  
  
Mathew smiled and sighed. "of course your Gilbert's cat with a name like that eh?"  
  
The Cat meowed again in conformation and nuzzled under Mathew’s chin. "Wow you’re so affectionate huh…do you want to sleep here with me?"  
  
To be honest Mathew was glad for the company, the cat purred and hopped from his lap to the bed turning in a few lazy circled before flopping down on the sheets. Canada couldn't help but think how adorable it was; even his own cat didn't sleep with him. Kanukitty liked to sleep on the mantle over the fire place and chase mice in the attic all day.  
  
So Mattie was happy to curl up next to the old Prussian feline who smelled much like its owner. The thought of the night before cuddled up next to Gilbert bloomed in the Canadian's mind and brought some rose to the younger nations cheeks. He didn't think on it long before sleep took him, but in those moments just as he was sinking into the blissful dreams he thought how wonderful it would be to do that again.

* * *

  
  
The next morning Gilbert came out of his lair of awesome…aka...the basement. Rather early at that, he was excited to start his grand plan of cheering up Canada and maybe just maybe trying to sweep the younger nation off his feet. Seeing, as he was the king of all things awesome he honestly didn't think it would be that hard.  
  
The albino crept up the stairs and down the hall peering into the open door. Prussia's heart nearly stopped when his eyes feel over the haplessly adorable sight before him.  
  
Canada as curled up on his side the covers kicked half off in those oversized flannel pajamas. AwesomeCat was sprawled out next to the sleeping nation being cuddled like a stuffed animal.  
  
Gilbert bit his knuckled and pulled his head out of the open door to slide down the hallway wall. " Mien Gott that's cute birdie ..." he whispered before peeking again .  
  
He couldn't believe it, for one thing, his cat hated almost everything and everyone.. Including Gilbert half the time. When AwesomeCat wasn't trying to scratch the daylights out of you, he was urinating on something out of spite. The few times when the feline in question had been nice was when it was a kitten or was sick and looking for sympathy. The fact that Canada had some bazaar charm with the unruly cat was enough to give Gil a case of the warm and fuzzy.  
  
"Everyone can't help but love you birdie." The Prussian said having finally regained some composer.  
  
Gilbert decided against waking the young nation, opting to go put on some coffee, as his little brother would be up soon anyway . However, as the albino tiptoed through the hall he couldn't help but notice some odd sounds coming from said brother’s room.  
  
Now, experience would dictate that if he didn't want to dig out his eardrums with a golf pencil he should keep walking. But he was too awesome for logic! and snooping on West was like his favorite past time. So relying on everything he had learned from England and America's spy movies, Prussia began slinking down the hall pressing his ear up to his brother’s bedroom door.  
  
"Ve~ luddy is so cute with-a his red face." Italy giggled  
  
"ahh..n ha Feli shut up ! or I vill not allow zhis "  
  
"Vee~ but-a Germany you promised and I never get to!, Plus I know you-a like it Tesoro "  
  
Prussia quirked an eyebrow wondering what kinky shit was going on in there, after stumbling on Ludwig's choice photos a few months earlier the elder German had pretty much throw any possible image for deviancy in his mind. On the one hand, he was so proud in a weird way, even if he was a little grossed out.  
  
Still listening he heard the sound of rustling and drawers being opened before silence fell again.  
  
"Just relax Luddy remember I'm-a Italian."  
  
"Ah..ha....F-Feli " oh..my that wasn't a very manly sound his brother made just then..  
  
"hnng...Ludwig you’re so tight.." Feliciano panted.  
  
Prussia fell away from the door with his hand clapped over his mouth. Oh, it was all clear now and he didn't know if he was going to laugh or vomit. Gilbert half ran half fell down the stairs on his flight to the kitchen where he finally chose his reaction to what he'd learned on his spy op.  
  
"KESESESESESESESES ...oh mien gott! He finally did it! oh Gott my sides! Little Ita...topped! " There were tears rolling down his face in the albinos fits of laughter.  
  
The idea of his muscle bound brother bending over like a cheerleader after prom was mind numbingly hilarious. Gilbert thought he was honestly going to die from a collapsed lung if he couldn't stop laughing it was that funny.  
  
He'd have to congratulate Italy later or something for invading Germany's vital regions . Did they make hallmark cards for anal? Gilbert felt like France would know about that sort of thing, Maybe a fruit basket with lewdly positioned bananas and kiwi. He’d figure something out.

* * *

  
**Much laughter later**  
  
Ludwig came walking down stairs ..a bit slower than usual and saw his elder brother smirking sitting at the kitchen table sipping a cup of coffee. The fact Gilbert didn't have some weird proclamation of his awesomeness upon seeing him was odd enough . Cause that's how Prussia normally started off their morning greeting, silence was never good. Silence was dangerous.  
  
Germany poured himself some coffee and started heading over to the table when his brother finally spoke. The albino stood up holding out a hand to stop him mid stride. "Hold on west let me get this."  
  
Odd... was the only thought in the blonds mind when the elder walked over pulling out the kitchen chair. When was Gil this nice?  
  
Ludwig looked around to see if anything in the kitchen was broken or covered in scorch marks, everything seemed fine in this room but now seeing how East was acting Germany didn't hold out much hope for the rest of his home. Something had to be wrong here, It wasn't until he was about to sit down in the offered chair that he understood the Prussian's game.  
  
"Oh hold on! you might need this ! KEsesesesesese" Gilbert sang out before flopping a pillow down in the chair.  
  
Germany's face turned crimson....how in the hell did he know! how in the holy father land did he verfickte! know!  
  
"Oh was-a matter there prinzessin ? Your big bruder ist just looking out for you " Prussia snorted watching the look of complete embarrassment on his brothers face.  
  
"g-Gilbert" Ludwig growled out. The look of embarrassment now turning to a boiling rage.  
  
Prussia noticed this as well and considering he didn't want his last moments alive to be getting strangled to death by his own brother he made his escape bolting from the kitchen with a little exclamation of "Scheiße!!"  
  
Just as Prussia leapt over the sofa on his race to freedom, he spotted Canada coming down the steps with his jeans and hoodie on. With out missing a beat he grabbed the young mans hand tugging him along.  
  
"Wha! Gilbert where's the fire eh!?" Mathew squeaked before looking back realizing the 'fire' looked like a very pissed off Germany.  
  
"West is just on his period und I vant to live so ja …time to go!” Gilbert shouted shoving the slighter male out of the door in font of him snatching his keys from the wall dashing across the lawn just as Ludwig released the dogs.  
  
Thankfully the two where just a bit faster jumping into Gilbert's jeep peeling out of the driveway.  
  
"We don't even have shoes where are we supposed to go like this? " Mathew said looking back as Germany's house got smaller and smaller behind them considering Prussia was putting the pedal to the floorboard.  
  
"Don't vorry birdie the awesome me is always prepared zhere is a duffle bag with spare clothes in zhe back"  
  
Canada sighed slipping back down in the passenger seat and fastening his safety belt. "You've done this allot haven't you ?"  
  
Prussia just grinned .

* * *

  
  
After a while, they arrived at Schlachtensee on the fringes of the Grunewald Forest, 30 minutes from the city of Berlin. Matthew was in awe of the big beautiful lake, he had always loved the outdoors he felt more at home among the mountains and trees than he ever did in a room full of people .  
  
Gilbert got out handing the younger nation a pair of boots, they where a bit big but not by much maybe a half size which was fortunate. Lacing up his own boots the Prussian couldn't help but notice the child like wonder of the younger blond already wandering through the light snow gazing around at the ice-laden trees and scenery. In truth, Gilbert didn't like the cold much but seeing much in his element Mathew was he could suck it up for a while .  
  
The albino dawned his coat and fallowed up behind the other. “Ve can stop at Fischerhütte Beer garden to get hot chocolate if you vant to.” he said smiling at the adorable flush that came to the young blondes’ cheeks at the mention of the sugary drink.  
  
"Oh, I couldn’t possibly let you do that its fine if we just walk around."  
  
"Keseseses don't vorry so much birdie plus i vant some to. The awesome me loves hot chocolate almost as much as i love beer. " Gil assured putting an arm around the Canadian steering him down one of the stone walkways .  
  
Canada couldn't help but lean into the offered arm, he hadn't really walked with someone like this in so long. To be honest he could barely remember the last time, he wanted to cherish it before this to disappeared. Before the elder east German forgot him like everyone else did.  
  
The pair walked in silence for some times before Gilbert noticed the forlorn look on Mathews face. Pulling his arm away, he stepped in front of the only slightly shorter male cupping his face in his hands. "Hey there you are...vhat's the matter birdie, you look so far away it was starting to vorry me . "  
  
"eh?...oh ..I'm sorry I didn't mean to really." Mathew pulled away already resigning himself to walk with out the warmth of the elder former country. Damning himself in his own mind 'god what’s wrong with you? you couldn't smile and pretend to not be so damn pathetic for five minuets. Here this guy is wasting his time on you and you just have to look like a little kicked puppy and make everything weird...good job'  The darker part of his inner voice spoke, it was loud and rough and made the little blond shiver.  
  
"Are you cold birdie..Gott I didn't even think about you just vearing that thin sweatshirt ." Before Matthew could even correct Prussia, there was a flash of black as the heavy woolen garment flew around his shoulders.  It was warm and smelled like cologne and faint cigarette smoke.  
  
Canada looked at the smiling albino before him standing there already shivering in the thin black tank top he was in. "y-you d-dint have to...Its n-not necessary. " he couldn't help but stutter looking at how honestly breathtaking Gilbert looked with his pale skin and hair...and those eyes. Surrounded by the softly falling snow  and the over hanging trees like some kind of mystical prince .  
  
"Was did I tell you birdie...I'm here now , I'm not going to let anything happen to you or forget you." Gilbert knew that's what it was before he even asked. It made him angry that everyone's overlooking had done this to such a precious young man. Making Mathew second-guess every inch of kindness and wait for the ball to drop. In a way, Prussia knew what that was like, he spent centuries on battlefield sleeping on the cold ground there were times when he didn't know if it was worth it. He had faced demons for the sake of his only brother and took the punishment for the horrible unforgivable sins of mortal men. He knew what it was like to walk into a room and not be recognized .  
  
"Merci " Mathew let  a few tears slip from his indigo eyes steeping forward wrapping his trembling uncertain arms about the Prussians waist.  
  
Gilbert hugged him back holding the little blonds head under his chin. " I von't ever forget  vlogchen.. that's a promise."  
  
"but.." Mathew said slipping of the jacket and holding it away from himself . " I'm not bothered by a little cold honest ..I'd feel awful if you got sick or something "  
  
"Keseseses..that's so cute birdie, ja..you win  but!" Gilbert gestured slipping back on the heavy jacket before holding it open. " There is enough awesome for two! "  
  
Matthew blushed but took the offer sheltering under Prussia's arm inside of the albinos jacket. It was comforting and reminded him of how when he and Alfred were small Papa would wrap them both up in a blanked and sit by the fire while there Father read some elaborate tail of dragons and princesses.  It was safe, and it was like being home he didn't understand how he could fall this fast but it was happening  Gilbert was making him feel again . It was both brilliant and terrifying, if he lost all this now he wasn't sure if he'd recover.

* * *

  
Soon the pair reached there destination sitting in a booth  talking and laughing. Matthew listened as Gilbert told him his favorite story about the area. How years ago long before the lodge restaurant they were in was even here, the Bad touch trio had pulled many a summer prank.   Like the time they stole the clothing of a bathing Hungary, Lichtenstein, and Belgium. Which resulted in Vash and Lars beating the hell out of Francis while Antonio ran so fast he could have been Italian  and Roderick almost dieing from blood loss when a very naked chased after the trio swinging her frying pan before Austria could finally contain his own lecherous thoughts enough to stop her from fallowing the three right into a town like that.  
  
Alternatively, how when he taught Ludwig to swim he nearly had a heart attack when the young boy didn't come up. When it turned out young Germany must have been hanging out with the bad touch to much to play such a prank on his big brother.  
  
It was nice just being with someone, Mathew let himself smile for once and it wasn't forced or fake.  This wasn't so bad for what some might consider a 'first date' even if it hadn't been planed.  
  
"Do you think your brother has calmed down by now."  Canada finally asked  after a little lull in conversation after Gilbert insisted on getting them something to eat.  
  
"Ja ..maybe it has been a few hours Und it vasn't like the one time I blew up the kitchen. " Gilbert said pulling out his phone to check the time.  
  
"What did you do to make him so mad eh? "  
  
The albino smirked a bit. " Not so much what the awesome me did to him, I just made an observation ..you could say."  
  
Some how Mathew didn't believe that but, it didn't matter . Today had really been wonderful so far and if they stayed away all day that would fine, it was nice to have someone just paying attention....

* * *

  
So the rest of the day was spent drinking hot coco and walking through the trails around the beautiful frozen lake until mid afternoon before they finally decided to venture back to Germany's home. Gilbert took a scenic rout dragging out the drive home, stealing a few glances over at Matthew has the sun played on the young mans features.  
When they crept back into the younger German brothers abode they were greeted by the trio of dogs barking. Not really, a good sign as Gilbert wasn't sure Ludwig hadn't called them off just yet, so just in case the albino pulled his little birdie behind him for safety.  Fortunately…unless death by puppy kisses were the orders the hounds had they were safe.  
  
Germany just poked his head out of his office at the sound and glared at his brother, he wasn't mad anymore...maybe still annoyed but he wasn't  going to kill East today.  
  
The rest of the evening was spent down in the Lair of awesome watching TV, Mathew ultimately dozing off not that Prussia minded as the cuddly Canadian ended up lying on his chest. He didn't even bother waking the young nation; Prussia just snatched a blanket off the back of his sofa with free hand and tugged it over them.  
  
Sleep sounded pretty awesome anyway.


	15. Sparkle Party

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just a warning. there is smut this chapter

  
  
"Shhh..." Gilbert shushed the giggling Canadian next to him trying to figure out how to get his key in the door.  
  
Thank god, they took a taxi home because they were both to plastered to stand let alone drive. Moreover, why was opening a door so hard, if that lock just would not stay still.  
  
Finally, Prussia managed to get the front door open and the intoxicated duo stumbled inside amidst a scatter of giggles and curses trying to hang on each other to stay vertical.  
  
Their merriment was however cut short by a soft click in front of them, a lamp being switched on to reveal a none to pleased Germany sitting with his arms crossed in clear disapproval. The younger German had been waiting; this was going to be good.  
  
Mathew looked over at the accusing blue eyes that currently resided behind a pair of reading glasses. This all seemed to familiar, when was the last time he was in the type of situation. 1925? Maybe was it 29? Somewhere in there, they did not call it he roaring 20's for nothing mind you. Of course then it had been himself and Alfred tumbling in on a grouchy England, who proceeded to drag them both by their ears and lecture them on the evils of drinking. That coming from a man whom could drink his weight in rum then weep while singing 'Danny boy' was a little more that hypocritical.  
  
Germany was more intimidating though, much more intimidating.  
  
Ludwig seemed calm-ish so maybe that was a good sign, sliding of his spectacles and folding them to be set safely aside. "Do either of you know how late it is?"  
  
Prussia looked down at his bare wrist. "A freckle past a hair” Keseseses ...  
  
Mathew snorted and laughed beside him, reaching out and drawing the albinos arm up to his face. "Nope! it's... time to buy a watch eh?”  
  
The two launched into another round of laughter, Canada nearly in tears with one hand over his mouth. To contain the giggle snorts.  
  
"Enough! Bruder I expect this behavior from you but now you have corrupted Canada. It is 4 am und you’re both drunken und Gott know vhat else you have been doing." Germany growled standing up glaring at the shit faced nations.  
  
"Hey vest ...I have a queztion for you!" Prussia tried to put on his most serious face he could muster. It was not very serious considering how flushed his usually pale cheeks were from strong drink.  
  
Ludwig pinched the bridge of his nose considering what solid gold statement the other could possibly have planed now. Might as well get it over with, "ja vhat is it."  
  
Gilbert stifled a chuckle before blurting out. "Do you like to dancy dance? Und ... do you like my party pants". The Prussian grained like a manic gesturing to his glitter covered leather pants.  
  
Mathew howling in laughter sounding like a cross between France and America, the little blond on his hands and knees one arm around Prussia's leg in a valiant effort to not be completely on the floor.  
  
Germany was not amused at all.  
  
Ludwig took a deep breath putting his hands on his face. His words were muffled but the threat was clear. "Get out...of mien sight...before I kill you ...."  
  
You may be asking your self how did our favorite hetalians get here...well let us rewind shall we.  
  
Earlier that day  
  
It was Saturday, Mathew would be headed back home soon and while they had had fun the past couple of days Gilbert could still sense a disconnected air about the shy little blond. Canada was opening up little by little and yet still seemed to be hiding something.   
Be it behind the baggy clothes or somewhat forced smiles at times, there was more to the charming little maple leaf and that much Prussia was certain. Therefore, after wracking his awesome brain the idea lit up like a Christmas tree.  
  
 What is the best was to see someone really be themselves? Well by getting, them blind stinking drunk of course! In addition, what better way to do so than at a wild party at an underground club? If this was wrong, he did not wanna be right.  
  
Prussia logic, a triumph of psychology.   
  
Now, convincing Canada had taken some doing mind you. It was not that Mathew was some kind of wet blanket at parties, far from it. It was more or less the thoughts of his most recent drunk excursions that left him feeling weary.  
  
"Shush! Und put on somezing sexy! "Prussia was being insistent and Canada knew he wasn't going to be getting out of this.  
  
Mathew looked away shoving his hands in his pockets. "Gilbert I didn't really bring anything that would be good for clubbing so see there really is no way I can go."  
  
The ' I have nothing to wear' excused however was not going to work. The albino just held up a hand and ran off back to the basement. When he came back, he tossed a pair of red skinny jeans that where littered with holes and had a lace up fly. "Here, Francy pants left these over here und to be honest there isn't enough room in zem for mien 5 meters”  
  
Mathew held up the tiny pants, he was amazed his papa could even fit them; they looked more England's size if anything. Nevertheless, with a reluctant smile the little canuk slipped off to change, he was closer to France's height like his twin, but unlike Alfred, was closer to England's build. All of this aided in the slim trousers actually fitting, even if they hung a bit to low for Mathews taste. A part of him blushed looking at his reflection wondering what the Prussian down stairs would think.  
  
Mathew dashed the thought away as soon as it entered feeling guilty for such a lecherous thing. Prussia was his friend and practically family for as long as he had known the man. Still, the albino was handsome and confident.  
  
'All the things your not' the dark voice in his head reminded. 'He pities you, that's all so stop thinking like such a slut'  
  
Mathew hung his head not able to look at his reflection, for a split second he could have sworn the face looking back sneered at him. However, that was just foolish to think wasn't it?  
  
Canada finished dressing and brushed through his hair, being careful of his curl before heading down to the living room.  
  
They were the only ones home as Italy and Germany had taken the dogs to the park to watch the sunset. Which Mathew was happy about partly so no one else would see him dressed like he was or see the vibrant rouge cross his face upon seeing the East German. He couldn't help it, Gilbert looked amazing. The man was leaning against the door idly spinning his keys around his finger wearing tight leather pants and boots. A black mesh shirt that did little for the imagination, showing his toned chest behind the netting.  
  
Of course, Mathew wasn't the only one appreciating the view. When Prussia looked up seeing the slender blond descend the steps in the form fitting crimson jeans, sneakers and black long sleeve shirt that hung off his shoulders and fit snugly on his frame' Gilbert couldn't breathe. All forms of spoken language escaped him. The Germans mouth went slack for a moment before he looked away fighting the heat burning his face and ears.  
  
"Do I look ok?" Matthew asked holding his elbow sheepishly at the bottom of the steps  
  
Ok...ok... no not ok Gilbert wanted to turn around and say anything but ok. Had Mathew been some scantly clad woman at a club he'd have no problem spouting out some gem like ' did it hurt when you feel from heaven?' or ' I lost my number can I have yours '. Funny how now all his bravado had flew out the window. This was worse then the time he saw Hungary's boobs.  
  
"..Ja...great." .....oh smooth, Gilbert wanted to slap himself.  
  
Instead the Prussian just headed out the door trying to regain his composer. The whole time Canada was silent worried that perhaps Prussia was embarrassed to be seen with him.

* * *

  
  
'Great...great big mistake.' The voices in the little blonds head droned out as he slipped into the passenger seat. Gilbert wasn't even looking at him; the albino was fiddling with the CD player as they drove along the city streets.  
  
Prussia was doing anything not to ogle the blond next to him and his Mix CD's where not helping...why must every song on them be so suggestive!!!! Finally he just gave up and let it play cranking up the volume and drumming his fingers on the steering wheel as he drove into his old territory. Being in Eastern Germany did some what ease Prussia a bit, as a personification being near ones land had a soothing effect. However mild it was now, he had noticed that ever since the Berlin wall his feeling toward his lands were dulled. Like listening to sound under water, it felt just out of reach.  
  
"Ve are Here!” oh thank god for that… Gilbert thought as he pulled into a space behind the old wear house building. The sounds of the thundering bass line already audible from the parking lot.  
  
Canada looked over at the building, its windows all blacked out though there were cracks of light that ran through a spectrum of color. He really wouldn't have pegged Prussia to like something like this. It was almost too ‘Alfred like’ to go to a place like this, he always thought his Papa and the Bad touch all hung out in swanky bars, possibly casinos not raves. Then again, most people had no ideas Mathew was quite the skilled outdoorsman. Therefore, if anyone knew the value of not judging a book by its cover it was Canada.  
  
Gilbert looked over at Mathew as they entered the loud, packed club. The boy looked a little overwhelmed.   
  
"Don’t vorry! The awesome me will protect you birdie!" Prussia said wrapping an arm about the slender male’s waist. Holding him close as they made there way through the throng of bodies.  
  
Gilbert knew he was holding Mathew closer than needed and his hand was trailing down on the youthful nation’s hip. He could blame it on all the people and the noise, and if Canada didn't object, he just wouldn't say anything.  
  
Ulterior motives aside Prussia did want the skittish little canuk to have a good time and maybe just maybe with some liquid courage, Gilbert could confess his fondness for the other.  
  
A few drinks later_  
  
"I love this song!" Canada shouted over the tack as the DJ plays 'I can be a freak'  
  
Gilbert went a little wide-eyed watching the normally mild mannered Canadian shaking and dropping, he thought America called it twerking?  
  
"Barbados taught me and Alfred" Mathew said giggling having noticed Prussia starring.  
  
Somewhere in Prussia's brain the visual of the northern twins grinding on each other with the lovely and curvaceous Ms Barbados in between, almost gave him a nosebleed. Where was he when that happened? Would it ever happen again, if so he was gunna need a camera for that. Dirty thoughts aside, or as far aside as he could get them....which wasn't far. Damn....Canada  
  
The more Gilbert really looked at how shapely the little blond was something in his brain twitch on. The section labeled ' break in case of bad touch'…yeah that part.  
  
The way those tight pants  hugged that bubble butt and strong thighs. The tight fitting black shirt rode up over the younger nations lean stomach. The rotating lights of the club cast a prismatic glistening sheen over  moist skin.    
  
Before you could say Potatoes and Wurst Prussia's hands were mapping out Canada's vital regions on the dance floor. Gilbert pulled the slim body close to his own, social filters lost in the haze of alcohol and throbbing lights of the club. Mathew seemed more than willing now, he felt wild and strong. Everyone was looking at him he could see it everywhere he looked and he loved it. Maybe it was to noise or the booze, maybe it was that all these people moving as one to the beat. Each person just intoxicated on the sensual high. Skin touching skin and strangers exchanging kisses.   
  
Mathew was falling prey to the moment. Lost in the freedom of it all as well as feeling those strong pale arms of the German behind him. He could feel Gilbert’s breath tickling the back of his neck as they danced. The host flutter of air that made his heart pound. He wondered what that would feel like on a more sensitive part of his body.   
  
It felt amazing to be desired, to be noticed. He couldn't hear the angry voice in his head; it was drowned by the bass and the treble.  
  
They kept drinking and dancing into the night getting closer and dangerously more familiar with each other. Some how Mathew still had enough sense about him to not let things go to far. Still .. the feel of Prussia's lips on his neck or shoulders when they danced, grinding together to the pulsing music, made it hard not to cross a line. Eventually fatigue began to get the better of them both and it was time to go. Prussia managed to call a cab as they where both to far gone to get behind a wheel.  
  


* * *

  
After coming home to an irate Germany, Prussia and Canada stumbled their way down to the lair of awesome.  
  
Mathew sighed, falling back on the bed to look up at the ceiling where Gilbert had pinned his Prussian flag. Canada didn't notice the rather hungry gaze in the others garnet eyes, he didn't hear the footsteps getting closer. It wasn't until Gilbert was suddenly straddling him that he knew what was going on.  
  
Canada found himself being pinned down and his mouth taken prisoner in a possessive kiss. He didn't even fight back, submitting to the more aggressive males charms. Mathew moaned into the open kiss feeling the tension rising between them. Clothing was unbearable it needed to go, his mind was screaming more, more, more!  
  
 ***smut ahead brought to you by! Jeffree Star-Loves rhymes with fuck you. Warning- dubious consent ***

* * *

  
  
Mathew felt like his world was tumbling, clothes were pulled this way and that, fabric torn off by needy fingers. His back arched when Gilbert bit his collarbone and left open mouth kisses trailing down his chest. That mouth held even more skill when it trailed past his navel.   
  
The blond mewled and whined as his hips where rucked up and legs draped over the stronger mans broad shoulders. Mathews back slid across the sheets looking up just as Gilbert took his cock to the root.   
  
Canada’s eyes rolled back as he muttered curses and endearments in French. He allowed his body to bee manhandled into whatever position the other wanted because every thing Prussia was doing to him was divine. Spit slicked fingers probing his entrance as a tongue laved his inner thigh, as the world blurred and swirled around him.   
  
Prussia’s brain was taking a backseat at the moment to primal desire. He had watched Mathew all night, he watched the boy tease him and beckon him with that body and those sinful eyes. He wanted him so bad it ached deep in the pit of his stomach. Gilbert wanted this and he wanted Mathew to want it to. By all accounts, the way the younger man begged and drooled when he slid inside of him was confirmation enough.    
  
The way Mathew looked in his eyes while he pounded into him, softly saying his name over and over. 

* * *

  
  
The rest of the night was a blur, it was shameless and rough. Any words that where uttered would be forgotten, lost in the drunken slurs and curses. Tangled bodies marring the bed linens with sweat and blood during their desperate tumble.  
  
Things wouldn't be the same now; they would face a new challenge in the unforgiving light of day. All the things Mathew Williams had been hiding would soon be revealed.  
  



	16. Safe and sound

  
  
Morning was too bright as the sun light filtered in through the small ground level window in Prussia's basement lair. Could there be anything more offensive to a hangover than the jarring white light of dawn? The warm rays bathed the albinos closed lids and made his nose scrunch in distaste. No, mother nature was not going to blanket her heavenly bodies in clouds just to give the former notion a reprieve from the headache he so rightfully earned. Gilbert's hand twitched with the first budding impulses from his sleep sodden brain, brushing his knuckles on the concrete floor next to the low bed. Letting the chill seep into his bones.   
  
His nails tested the solid surface as somewhere in his subconscious mind the snowette became aware of his surroundings. Familiar sensations telling him that he was in his own bed rather than face down in an ally or sprawled in the yard with his pants around his knees. The former not being too out of reach when the bad touch trio painted the town red. Still, there was comfort in knowing that was not the case today.   
  
"Vandammit sun... you’re so un-awesome to my hangover." he growled, reluctantly flipping back the cover.  
  
It would take a moment or five for Gilbert to pep talk himself into facing the new day. Finally, better judgment won out mustering enough energy to sling his legs over the side of the mattress to rest on the cool stone floor.  
  
Prussia rubbed his hands over his face, digits trekking up to finger through his wild mop of snowy hair. With a yawn, the Prussian began squinting and blinking his eyes to escape the blessed embrace of sleep that still begged to cling to his lids. That's when Gilbert realized something, he was naked. Normally while he wasn't one to sleep in the buff - when he was drunk, he became a streaker. Too much beer just begs you to pull all your clothes off apparently.  
  
However, the thing that made this unusual was the amount of clothing that littered the floor. Gil mentally took stock of the discarded articles and soon his ears were tinged in red.  
  
"Mien Gott." Prussia covered his mouth and looked over his left shoulder to the softly breathing lump of sheets.  
  
He knew who it was; he knew what they did to if the various stains on his sheets were any indication. Still Prussia didn't feel awesome about not remembering sleeping with the little Canadian. Even so, a smirk crawled over his pallid features; maybe it wasn't too late to make new memories? Nothing says good morning like wake up booty right? France was always saying weird stuff like that; on second thought, Gilbert pushed away the image of his flirtatious friend’s random lewd remarks. Thinking of it was weird because, well you shouldn't think of a friend before boning aforementioned friend’s kid. That had to be a rule....  
  
The would be German Casanova crawl over straddling the sleeping blond and peeling back the comforter. He had planned to kiss his little vogelchen awake maybe things were going fast but they already crossed that line of intimacy thanks to the universal aphrodisiac known as alcohol. Round two would be more meaningful Gilbert told himself as the thick cotton bedding lifted away. This time he would take it slow and kiss away the pain, he'd show his birdie what an awesome lover he was. Unfortunately, that's not what happened because there was something waiting under those sheets that Gilbert hadn't expected and everything changed.  
  
Prussia frowned and a line found its way into his brow looking down at Mathew. He knew what he was seeing he just wanted to know why. Yet, in the back of his mind, the younger nations own words lingered ' I can't do it anymore I can't!’ Those tearful words filled with agony that Prussia had heard fall from Canada's lips only days before.  
  
Crimson eyes skimmed over the red puckered scar that ran from the Canadians slim wrist ending about two inches from the young nations creased elbow. It didn't seem that fresh but it hadn't been well cared for and considering they were not human, it should have healed unless it had to do with Mathews land. Somehow, Prussia did not think it was though; it looked more as if it hadn't healed yet because it had been bothered and picked at. This explained Canada's gloves and long sleeve shirts.  
  
How did he not remember seeing this, how had this not sobered him last night?   
  
Gilbert got up and let out a shaky breath, he didn't have to check the sleeping boys other arm. He could guess it was a matching set, he'd seen things like this before in the time he spent at Russia's house, he'd accidentally walked in on Belarus in the bath, and her fascination with knives had been more than he thought. Gilbert didn't think this was the same however; Natalya was just crazy and got off on the pain by causing it to others or herself.  For her it was sexual and almost spiritual to pierce her own flesh.   
  
Mathew was so gentle so there was only one explanation, and it tore at the Prussians heart. It ripped into him opening up a familiar sense of helplessness, an emotion the proud man detested when it reared its ugly head in his heart.  
  
Gilbert found himself pacing glancing back at the bed every so often. He finally huffed in irritation and threw on some clean clothes. He wanted to dispel the déjà vu that was coiling in the pit of his stomach. This wasn't like that; he wasn't going to let it be like that.  
  
He wasn’t running away this time. 

* * *

  
Canada woke up blinking a bit at the blurry world of tumbled bedding that cocooned his body. His head hurt, back hurt....his butt hurt. The little blond groaned and muttered a few curses in French, he slept with Prussia after only a few days with the man …he really slept with him. "' Mon duie I'm such a slut...." he whispered into the pillow case before reaching out to feel around for his glasses. However, instead of finding the cool metal of the small oval wire frames the Canadians hand found a larger one.  
  
Mathew jostled a bit trying to pull away but found he couldn't. Then he felt his hand being turned palm up, fear streaked across the northern nation’s heart as he shot up trying in vain to cover his exposed arm.  
  
It was too late.  
  
Gilbert had sat himself beside the bed waiting for the slim sleeping male to wake, and when Mathew's hand went searching for the spectacles on the night table the albino seized the opportunity. Prussia's deft touch ran the length of the scar, war torn callused fingers suddenly became feather light over the pained flesh. Mathew wilted under the touch and pressed his face into the pillow trying to will himself to disappear. Any oblivion would be better than this, better than his lapse into weakness being discovered.  
  
 _'He knows, he knows how screwed up you are. You should leave now before he spills worthless pity out on you. It's over, this is what happens when you get to close, run. RUN. RUN!'_ The angry voice surged between Mathew's temples. It shouted and pushed but he couldn't move, the shame was paralyzing. What would the other think of him? How could he lie his way out of this now?  
  
"Vhy." Gilbert's voice broke through the self-deprecating haze. It was steadfast and solid, it was surprising that it lacked the pity Mathew was expecting. It was calm and strong, it made him almost want to tell the truth. Almost.  
  
Canada schooled his features into a look of faux surprise. "Why what, we are countries we have a lot of scars." Mathew said, sitting up attempting to pull his arm away from the German.  
  
Prussia tightened his grip and pulled the slighter male toward him. Red eyes narrowing and meeting indigo in an intense stare, " Don't think you can lie to me, ve have been over this. I have seen many things in my long life, und I know the difference between vounds on the battlefield und self-inflicted ones. "  
  
Mathew's blood ran cold looking into those eyes that pooled with emotion swirling in their garnet depths. He could drown in that look, he wanted to. If only he could be consumed in that intense gaze. To lose himself completely and become something better and stronger. Maybe then, he'd be worthy enough to have others look at him the way those glittering sanguine irises where regarding him now.  
  
" I.... It's." the little Canadian stammered over his words, the voice in his mind screeching for him to shut up. His breathing quickened as the flight endorphin began to flood his system. " L-let go Prussia." Mathew begged pulling away but feeling his strength disobey his pleas. Mathew just as strong as Alfred yet now his body was betraying him, putting up a pathetic struggle against the older former nation.  
  
 _' Get away! Run little deer for there's a wolf in the brush! He can smell your fear and he'll chew you up and spit you out'_ the voice taunted.  
  
"Nien! You tell me vhy you did this." The snowette shouted jumping up and pinning Mathew down before snatching up his other arm. "Don't tell me they are from vars I know they are not! Vhen Mathew, Vhen did you do this to yourself ! Vas it vhile you have been here, if so tell me vhy? I'm trying to help you !"  
  
Mathew squeezed his eyes shut there would be no denying he couldn't run. "I- I did it before! I just..." He blurted out the words flinching and waiting for the other to judge him. Waiting to be told to get out, to go back to being forgotten. _' Go home and cry in your pillow little girl, look at you caving in like prey before this fallen idiot. You don't deserve to call your self a nation.'_  
  
"Vhy hasn't it healed then? Zomthing like this should have by now." Gilbert's volume dropped it was softer and kinder. He could see the blond trembling filled with fear and self-hatred. Prussia wasn't angry; just frustrated, he knew that Canada was having problems but this was farther reaching than he ever could have imagined. So much was on the line now, it was beyond dark thoughts and risky behavior. The idea that Mathew had actively harmed himself was shattering. Prussia had seen other nations get to that point, he him self considered it after the fall of his own land. Somehow, he was too stubborn or perhaps too afraid to tempt fate. The off chance that he might actually die.  
  
Mathew opened his eyes and watched awestruck as Prussia leaned in and kissed the scars. Silent tears slipping across the mans cheeks pattering onto the comforter. Gilbert looked like his heart was breaking. As if somehow Mathew was this precious thing with the way, his touches were so tender and heartfelt. Matthew had never felt like anyone would treat him this way, it was different from how his family cared. It felt deeper than the shallow connections he had with humans over the years. It was like breathing for the first time, pure and unrestricted. Yet - unexpected, how could anyone think so much of him?  
  
"Gil…”  
  
"Promise me birdie, promise you vill stop this, I can't sit by und vatch you hurt yourself.'' Gilbert pleaded as his grip became gentler on the younger man.  
  
Indigo eyes filled with tears as Mathew sprang up clinging to the East German for dear life. "It’s just...I knew aboot other nations that...that tried. I knew it wouldn't work but I was so tired Gil I felt so invisible something told me to just do it because I couldn't feel anything any more. I don't know what's happening to me I'm so scared!" the little blond broke into hysterical sobs as his words becoming broken by tears.  
  
Prussia held the shaking boy in his arms, rubbing Mathews back in slow circles as the northern Nation shook wracked with pain. Shushing him softly trying to comfort the sweet soft-spoken male, it reminded Gilbert of his own brother.  
  
The nights the little boy would scream from nightmares filled with blood clinging to him and crying for hours until passing out from exhaustion. Ludwig was grown now and never seemed to welcome his big brother the way he used to, Germany didn't even remember those days - Gilbert was almost grateful for that.  
  
Prussia knew what Mathew meant by not being able to feel, in truth Gilbert hadn't been feeling that awesome for a long time. Not until he met this beautiful fragile young man sheltering in his arms, not until he let himself be needed again, to leave the past behind and be knight he was once again.  
  
Call it selfish, call it whatever you like. At that moment, Prussia made a quiet promise to protect Canada with everything he had left to give. "Your safe und sound now birdie. " he said rocking the young. Man in his arms repeating the phrase like a mantra.

* * *

  
Mathews crying had finally slowed into soft hiccups and sniffling. Prussia had moved them both under the covers, folding the younger against his body trying to chase the pain away with his presence. It had seemed to finally work - that or Canada had simply run out of tears to shed. Whatever the case the Prussian was pleased to hear the little blonds breathing even out and feel the slender boy relax against his.  
  
"Are you alright now." Gilbert asked pulling back to get a look at the Canadians face.  
  
Mathews eyes were red rimmed and puffy his nose cherry as well from his outburst. Indigo eyes looked up their pupils dilated in the shadows of bedding . "Oui, merci Gilbert"  
  
"Birdie I vant you to promise me you vill never do this again."  
  
Mathew nodded tucking his head under Prussia's chin, he felt secure here. It was so strange to think just a few days ago he had lay in his bed back with in his homeland feeling empty and alone. The only company had become the rough angry voice in his head, the version of the little Canadian that stopped caring long ago. That voice had grown fat and strong over the years. It feed off disappointment and rejection, every time someone said " Canada who?" That voice would creep in and whisper _' lets show them who'_ , dark images would flit across his mind, notions of causing pain to his family and friends. Repeatedly Mathew forced the hellish ideas away. That however morphed the daydreams into sins against his own body rather than others.  
  
There was a seed of fear within Mathew as he snuggled closer to his garnet-eyed savior, if Gilbert hadn't noticed what would have happened? Could he have hurt someone, and what about himself what if it affected his land or his people. Canada had a notion that it already was, the winters felt like they were lingering longer and colder than usual lately. Autumn colors seemed less vibrant and the animals around his cabin home stopped approaching him the way they used to. Like they knew, he was unwell, staring at him from a distance before slipping off into the safety of the underbrush. Mathew even noticed that Kuma had become weary of him in the last few months. He had felt even more isolated, it wasn't until coming here that he even felt like the old Canada.  
  
They lay there for a while before Gill sat up gathering the still very nude younger nation in his arms. Mathew gave a little squeak as he was picked up, blushing brightly as the cool air hit his bare skin. Reminding the youth of his current state of undress.  
  
"What are you doing eh?"  
  
Keseseses "silly birdie ve need to get you cleaned up. Vhile I admit your awesome sex hair is cute you haven't shower since yesterday." Gilbert had a matter-of-fact tone was he carried the slender blond into the bathroom gently setting the younger on his feet near the bath.  
  
Mathew dropped his head feeling his ears burn, true they did sleep together the night before. Even if that was a blur, it still happened and clearly, Prussia cared for him but he wasn't ready to bathe in front of him.  
 "I um, can do it myself.," he murmured looking down at the tile floor that seemed incredibly interesting now.  
  
Prussia smiled leaning over to cut on the taps and plug the drain in the bath. " Ja, I know I'm going to go up und see if Feli has made lunch yet. Little guy loves pasta und cooks it half the day." Prussia laughed patting Canada's head. " The awesome me will return vith food then ve will tend to these." the albinos tone softened toward the end reaching out with a gentle touch trailing the scars. "Your going to get better I vill make sure of it.," he said grinning before heading out of the bathroom.  
  
Mathew sighed listening to the thundering footsteps charging up the basement steps. The honey haired youth smiled seeping over into the steaming water. It felt good to sink in tinting his skin pink from the temperature. Mathew was generally cold natured. It was something common among nations that had land near or in the Arctic Circle. Indigo eyes closed relaxing in the porcelain basin forgetting the world for a moment.  
  
"Piyo piyo"  
  
Mathew cracked an eye open at the pitching sound to his right, it would appear he wasn't alone.  
  
" Bonjour " he smiled lifting a dripping hand from the bath to rub the little canary under the chin.  
  
Gil bird trilled happily at the attention, fluttering his golden wings and taking an adventurous little glide from the lip of the tub over to Mathew’s knee that breached the waters surface.  
  
The blond giggled. " Careful eh? If you fall in, I don't think you will like it very much. I think its a little to hot for you."  
  
The bird ruffled his feathers trying to look intimidating, clearly like his owner Gilbird didn't like being told he couldn't do something . Mathew of course found this little display adorable and couldn't help but laugh. The canary chirping indignantly for being made a joke of.  
  
" Si vous plait, " Mathew, pressed his lips in a thin line to quell his giggle. He gently cupped the little foul in his hands bringing it close and planting a kiss on the birds head. " Forgive me?"  
  
Gilbird fluffed up trilling, if the yellow bird could have turned red that would have done just that.  
  
"Piyo piyo"

* * *

  
  
When Prussia came back down with two plates of Pasta primavera, the scent of the sautéed vegetables, garlic and sun-dried tomatoes made Canada's mouth water.  
  
Mathew happily took the plate from where he was sitting on the side of the bed with a towel wrapped about his waist. " This looks amazing!" he said spinning the angel hair pasta on his fork.  
  
"Ja, Italy knows his pasta " it was then Gilbert noticed the little canary fluffed up in the blonds hair. "You have an awesome little stoavay on your head you know." He said dipping his bread in the gazpacho that Italy had all but forced him to try.  
  
Mathew giggled nodding before setting his fork down to lift the small bird out of his locks ." oui, Gilbird kept me company, I really miss kuma I guess. Having the little fur ball around all the time is nice even if he doesn't remember my name half the time. He's company you know so I'm not completely alone."  
  
The two-finished eating Gilbert thinking the entire time about what Mathew had said about 'not being completely alone'. Prussia had Germany and Italy and even Japan came over allot and he had the bad touch trio. He was never alone these days, though he knew how it felt and he hated it. The years he had spent in Russia's house were just down right odd. Even in a house full of people no one really spoke.  
  
Ivan was constantly hiding from Belarus and when he was not he was in one of his odd moods, which made things tense. The Baltic's were not exactly much for conversation, Latvia was scared of his own shadow, Estonia was just boring and Lithuania was constantly running interference to keep the soviet siblings apart. All Prussia ever did was stay in a small room doing meaningless paper work all day. Unless Russia was in one of his moods, and that always ended poorly . Mostly because Gilbert had a case of Can-not-shut up, when it came to taunting the wintry nation.  
  
"Birdie, you have to head back to your country soon right?" Gilbert was testing the waters here and maybe it was to soon but he couldn't get the thought of the little Canadian all alone in that cabin in the woods out of his head.  
  
"Oui, I will have to take my flight day after tomorrow. If its a problem I.. I can leave early." Mathew looked defeated, he thought the man was trying to push him out of the house. Maybe Prussia had a chance to really think about it and decided he was to messed up to bother with. ' _Your dragging him down your so pathetic, you should pack up right now and save him precious hours of staring at your half invisible ass.'_ said the angry voice in Canada's head.  
  
"Nien !” Prussia hopped up waving his hands, the action startling both Canada and Gilbird. The little canary gave a few irritated chirps and flew off to perch on the TV.  
  
"I mean, vell... vhat I vas going to ask is..." Gilbert felt his palms sweating. Why was he so nervous ! He is the Awesome Prussia for God sakes! The mighty black eagle ! Owner of all vital regions!  
  
The albino took a deep breath and threw on a confident mask. He struck a pose with his hands on hips and chest out grinning like a maniac. " You vill have the pleasure of the awesome me in your company ! Your so lucky not many people get to entertain a nation as great as Prussia . So vhat should I pack?"  
  
Mathew looked confused, did Gil just say he was coming with him. He didn't even ask he just invited him self! Was Canada ok with that? The little blonds’ mouth opened and shut a few times trying to figure out how to say no however, it didn't work. "I um..Winter clothes?"  
  
Gilbert looked far to happy right now for Mathew to tell him no and would having company be so bad? Alfred used to come spend time with him a lot, somehow though in the last few decades his twin was always so busy. Papa didn't come by except for at random intervals and odd hours. England well...Mathew could count on one had when is 'mother' dropped by for anything other than a war or holiday. The only other friends Canada had were Netherlands and Cuba, they were busy  to. So maybe it wouldn't be too bad to have Prussia visit; they had so much fun in Germany after all . Not to mention, he wouldn't be alone, the empty creaks of his footsteps around the old homestead wouldn't seem so loud with another voice present, maybe it was okay to be selfish and enjoy the company ?  
  
Mathew blushed watching Gilbert digging out old trunks and military duffle bags from his closet. Watching the way the mans muscles flexed in each movement, yeah this visit would be great.


	17. Lift me up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: The song that inspired this is one of my personal faves, (Lift me up- by- TWIZTID) it includes spoken word excerpts from Charles Manson. I felt it captured the mental unrest of our sweet Canada perfectly, and the overall tone I'm heading into. So do check that out if your into Horrorcore music. Whoop whoop! :P
> 
> Also mentions of past Mpreg this chapter, ya’ll should know by now if you had read any of my other stories that I am a fan of that xD. So no flames okay?

  
Germany and Italy were awe struck watching how carefully Prussia had been treating Canada during the blonds’ vacation. Even more so when he announced "Listen up lozers! The awesome me is taking an awesome trip with mien awesome birdie so hold my calls West!" ...not like he got many calls, but oh well. Gilbert always wanted to say that, and it made his little brother kinda twitchy so that was always an added bonus.  
  
Still, they wished the two well when they departed, Germany was personally happy to have the house to himself and Italy for a week or more, for...training purposes of course...ja nothing dirty at all. He wasn’t at all planning to ruin Feli on every horizontal surface. Not at all. That would be immoral …so deliciously immoral, delicious like pasta. Like licking pasta sauce off…ok ! so yes Germany was really happy about having the house to himself and Italy.  
  
On a less perverse and self-serving note, Ludwig held the hope that his brother might benefit from having someone special to expend his energies on. Rather than being wasted with France and Spain. It was clear the ‘social drinking’ wasn’t social anymore. It hadn’t been social in a long time. Prussia would just get sloshed to forget, to return to his glory days in the haze of inebriation. For all Ludwig wanted to say about it he never did, he didn’t feel he had the right to. Not after what Prussia had given up for him.  
  
Canada was even looking forward to this, he didn't get many visitors. Still, Mathew had to admit he was anxious; he had that particular feeling more often than he cared to admit these days. He worried that something terrible would happen or he himself would behave poorly and then Prussia would hate him forever.  
  
It's a terrible feeling when you can't trust yourself anymore. That's what these last months had been for the usually mellow Canadian. At least that's how he'd portrayed himself to those who took notice of him through the years, polite and mellow Canada. Harmless, helpful, Canada who was more than happy to lend a hand if you ask who didn’t mind if you thanked him or even acknowledged him after. That was Mathew’s mask, smiling kindly, being polite, and laid back. The same way that Alfred hid behind his bravado and loud laughing. Arthur and his indignation and gentleman's propriety. Francis and his flirtatious charm, everyone had a face they showed the world and the face they showed when they were alone.  
  
Canada had felt his mask crumbling, how it shattered into dust when he cried against Gilbert's chest. Now he was left bare before a man who might love him. Could he be that honest? Showing your ugly side isn't easy; Mathew just hoped his flaws wouldn't chase the former nation away. He didn't know how he could survive being alone again.   
  
Something deep down laughed at that fear, that sleeping monster who could consume him and everyone he loved. _‘You can’t hide me forever.’_  
  


* * *

  
The plane ride wasn't bad.  However, Prussia, much like an ADHD suffering child, had to be entertained the entire flight? Canada was used to this flight routine though, between America and kumajiro the blond had become somewhat of an expert on creating time killing tasks.  
 Unlike Alfred who could be placated by gazing out of the window seat for at least the first hour, or like the little ursine napping most of the flight, Gilbert had no interest in the view and wasn't sleepy at all.  
  
Little did Mathew know the albino was dead set on watching him like a hawk and downed an ungodly amount of coffee and red bull? Let's just say with all that they could have skipped the flight and let Prussia fly himself.  
  
It only took 30 minuets before Gil had become thoroughly disgusted with playing angry birds. He was on the verge of chucking the phone out of the planes emergency exit.... if it wasn't for the obvious threat of being sucked out of the plane and dying. So Gilbert settled with growling at the mobile and shoving it into his pocket. The next 2 hours was then spent watching princess bride on Mathews laptop. Fallowed by another hour or so of lightning fast thumb typing as Prussia updated his blog and multiple social networks.  
  
Mathew really tried to stay awake, but he was just so exhausted that he ended up nodding off. Unwittingly treating Gilbert to his new favorite pastime. 'Birdie watching'  
  


* * *

 **Awesome Pov--**  
  
Vhy is this kid so tempting. I want Canada more that I vant beer und beer is awesome! Almost as awesome as me...almost. Mien Gott! Even the vay he breaths is cute! Every exhale makes that little curl he has bounced. It's not vierd that I like to vatch him sleep is it. ...nah it's Awesome.  
  
As the king of all thingz awesome I vould know.  
  
That little button nose… I'd pinch it but zen he couldn't breathe and prolly vake up und slap my awesome face.  
  
I used to do that to West when he vas a kinder. It was funny causing he would vhine und sneeze then pout at me. Vell he did that until he got bigger then he hit him und that vasn't awesome vhen your little bruder gives you a black eye.  
  
So ja, I von't do that. Even if little Mattie looks harmless, I have seen his countries hokey games and they are awesomely brutal! In addition, he might be like Hungary und pull a veapon out of who knows vhere und beat me vith it. I don't think he vould though he so sweet like that maple syrup he loves so much.  
  
Now that I think about it, Hungary could hide that frying pan in her massive boobies she got since being all preggers. That's so vierd her having that Prissy Austria's baby, that's going to be such an unawesome baby.   
  
My kinders vill be vay more awesome and own all the other nations kinders.  
  
I vonder vhat mien birdie vould look like all round vith the next generation of Prussian pride growing in side him? If that arshloche England could do it, it’s not that hard, I wonder why West hasn't Knocked up Ita yet...Gott I hope that vould’t be the other vay round!!!  
  
I shiver thinking about mein bruder even more angry und pregnant. The vorld should not be subject to that kind of cruel und unusual punishment. That makes me vant to gag…oh bite West doesn’t freak me out like that.   
  
Vhat vas I doing...? Oh, ja… was watching Canada!  
  
 ***STARE***

* * *

  
  
As Gilbert continued his observation he noticed Mathews’ brow knit for a moment and the younger nation’s pale hands grip at the lose denim fabric about his knees. The little Canadian inhaled sharply and twitched in dream.   
  
He was having a nightmare.

* * *

  
Mathew was lost and confused. The world around him was so cold and unfamiliar. For some reason he was wearing his red dress-uniform but it was tattered and soiled with blood. Where was he?   
  
"Hello!! Anyone! please! "He shouted into the darkness around him as his lungs burned with effort as the cold air flooded in.   
  
Canada fell to his knees in the darkness and began feeling around the damp soil. His vision was so blurry where had his glasses gone?   
  
"Someone...anyone..." the blond almost cried, feeling utterly helpless in this infinite oblivion.  
  
 _"Well well look what we have here. You know no one will hear you if you don't speak up."_ A voice said from within the void.  
  
As Matthew looked up he could just make out the blurry form walking towards him but it stopped just far enough to make sure its features were not clear. However, he could make out that this person to be wearing his country's uniform by the vibrant color. However the jacket lay open with the mans chest exposed.  
  
“Excuse me Sir, But could you help me? I seem to have lost my glasses and…”  
  
The man began to laugh. _"Oh you didn't lose them; I knocked them off your pathetic little face."_ The man’s voice dripped with venom.  
  
"I'm sorry but, I don't even know you…” Matthew said staggering to his feet. Everything hurt, his legs felt like he had been running for days. Moreover, the smell, the thick rancid copper of blood and sweat all over him. What had he done?  
  
 _"Oh, you don't know me? ...who. Who WHO! FUCKING WHO! Do you know how fucking tired I am of hearing that Shit. Let me give you a hint there precious…”_ The man spoke getting closer and closer until a rough leather clad hand reached out grabbing Mathew by the chin, pulling his face inches away from the strangers.  
  
That's when he saw it…Tired looking Indigo eyes with a haze of madness framed with lines and dark circles. _"I'm you sweet cheeks!"_ That voice...that voice was the one that spoke to him in the darkness. The horrible gravel voice that told him to do those terrible, painful things.  
  
"Non!” Mathew shouted and flailed. "No shut up your not!”  
  
The man laughed pulling a cigarette from over his ear and lighting it between his thin lips.  _“Oui, I am. I am you Canada, 9.98 million square kilometers, second largest land mass and I might add; damn tired of the rest of these fuckers forgetting that. You remember me pretty boy, I'm that part of you that you like to pretend isn't there with your over polite Shit. Maybe I should give you a refresher hmm?"_  
  
In an instant, The black veil around them lifted. Canada recognize their surroundings immediately, It was the Battle of Dieppe. August 1942, he went to go and push the German troops from one of France's ports. He was the only national personification present for the battle since he had the most troops there along with some from Britain and America. The landing began at 5am...sunrise… It was a massacre.  
  
Mathew covered his ears, the sound of gunfire from the German line and men screaming and falling on that stretch of beach all around him was deafening. Shouts of the dieing as their bodies fell into the wet sand turning the waves red with blood. The scent of copper and salt in the sea winds that beat against his back sending an icy shiver like the hands of death itself down his spine.  
  
 _"60 percent...."_ the voice of his other self cut through the sounds of war. _“that’s how many made it ashore and even after that they were just killed, wounded, or captured. Face it, we were nothing more than canon fotter, a little test for Normandy."_  
  
"That's not true! We just! We didn't anticipate…” Mathew refused to believe his family, his friends; his allies would send not only himself but their own men on a suicide mission.  
  
 _"You know it! I'm you so I know it! You are nothing to them just the less favored son, the forgotten one. Only convenient when they need a Guinea pig! The British tanks were to slow! They left you out there alone with all those dead men who didn't even make it over the seawall. You stood there on a mountain of death!  That was the grand first sea to land invasion!  Was it grand Mathieu? Did mama and papa congratulate you on limping back to them with bloodied hands?"_ the rage filled doppelganger hissed. Each word drilling into Canada’s heart like those bullets fired from the Nazi infantries gun barrels.  
  
Mathew cringed feeling his legs sink in the wet sand underneath them. "it wasn't England's fault it wasn't anyone's they didn't know the tanks would sink. The ones that made it there just were not enough, No one knew it would end like that!”  
  
 _"you know who did know... you know who smiled and laughed and tried to kill you!"_ the other Canada said with dark joy. Creeping closer and kneeling next to the struggling nation. _"I’ll give you a hint...Birdie."_  
  
"non...non …" Mathew shook his head trying to will the images away.  
  
 _"oh but he's German what's to say I'm not right, what's to say he wasn't there watching your royal marines being slaughtered on the beaches. If it wasn't for me even your sorry ass wouldn't have made it out."_ The dark mirror man said, caressing Mathews face with false care as he spoke.  
  
Mathew’s eyes went wide, he could see it through the smoke his own face all those years ago but his eyes were so cold. He didn't remember this; he didn't remember trudging over bodies of men crying out for help. He didn't remember looking down at the dying with such contempt. Ignoring his own men and in some vile instances using them to shield himself.  
  
"this didn't happen this isn't real, I was shot in the retreat I don't remember this. I couldn't have done that!” Mathew cried out his fingernails biting into his scalp.  
  
Then it happened, the moment he was shot in the back. Mathew could feel it even now that white-hot pain, he watched as an American soldier hefted him up and ran. Everyone was retreating it was over...they failed.  
  
 _"Your so weak…”_ the voice said as the scene faded to black. _“If I had my way we wouldn't have even gone, why help those who don't care? The ones who will shoot you in the back, I'm warning you... if you trust that albino freak your going to end up worse than back then."_  
  
"Noooo!"

* * *

  
  
"Noooo!""Noooo!" Matthew panted nearly hyperventilating in dream.  
  
Gilbert was panicked; the east German had been trying to wake his little blond for the last five minutes to no avail. "Mathew you have to vake up!” Prussia didn't want to do it but it was looking like he'd have no choice.  
  
So gritting his teeth, the albino drew back his hand and slapped the little Canadian.  
  
Mathew’s eyes shot open at the sudden shock. He was sweating and disoriented, thankfully, they were the only ones on the plane or his behavior would have definitely raised an alarm.  
  
"Birdie, Birdie look at me!" Prussia took the boys face in his hand gently rubbing the red mark starting to bloom on Canada's cheek. He felt bad for having to do that but he was worried the boy would have a heart attack from whatever he was dreaming about. Frankly, Gilbert was still worried with the wild glassy look in the younger nations indigo eyes. "Mathew, breathe und listen to mien voice."  
  
Everything was to bright and the sounds were muffled, Mathew’s chest hurt and the cold sweat left his hair plastered to his neck and forehead. Still some where in the haze he could hear Prussia's voice. Mattie wasn't going to believe the angry version of himself that resided inside of his mind. Gilbert wouldn't hurt him, war is war its just how it was. Prussia wasn't a nation anymore so he could never hurt him, more than that Canada knew deep down that it was Gilbert that cared about him.  
  
Prussia was relived when the slighter male’s eyes finally began to focus. "Ja, that's it your ok."  
  
He fumbled with raising the armrest between them to pull the younger nation into his arms. Many people wouldn't know it but Gilbert had been through this drill countless times before. When Germany was young and came to live with him, the boy had terrible night terrors. For all the boasting of the awesome mighty Prussia, he was still just Gilbert. A big brother, a friend, and one day he hoped a lover to a sweet little Canadian. 

* * *

  
  
The rest of the flight Mathew was silent; Gilbert didn't pry as to what the dream consisted of. He knew better than any the kind of monsters that lurk in the dark recesses of a mind that's been forced to live for centuries. They all had seen enough to drive a sane person mad. All that mattered to the Prussian was that the already fragile young man in his arms felt safe.  
  
When the plane touched down Mathew felt better being on his own soil. For nations being near the earth that your so tide to was like recharging a battery. Sure, they could go other places, but after a while, they would yearn for the land that was their very soul.  
  
Prussia of course was happy to see the way Canada seemed to lighten the moment he felt the soft cool breeze. It was like Mathew’s land was greeting him with a kindly welcome home.  
  
The two picked up Mathews SUV from parking structure stopping at a Tim Horton's to get some coffee. Mathew called his boss to let her know he was back; she had apparently faxed a few things out to his cabin that would be waiting for him. Canada didn't mind, in truth he wanted a little distraction with paperwork.  
  
Prussia was quite animated during the car ride complimenting Mathew on the beauty of his country. This had the little blond blushing like a wildfire all the way home. It was almost like hearing your own personal beauty being praised for a nation. Gilbert found Mathews bashfulness when it came to being commended very adorable.  
  
Pulling up to the cabin had been another adventure. Gilbert loved how remote the place was and instantly wanted to run around and check out the landscape. Mathew was more than happy to let the man acclimate himself, only offering a few tips to avoid skunks, which led to an explanation of what skunks were.  
  
"Have fun but don't get to far from the house eh? I need to call Al and let him know I'm home so he can come drop Kuma off. "Mathew said waving the Prussian off who assured him he was ' to awesome to get lost'  
  


* * *

  
Mathew lit his fireplace and settled down to call his brother, only to have the call go to voice mail. In a way, he was almost thankful. He was to jet lagged to deal with his loud twin. "Hey Alfie, its me. I'm home now so whenever you want to bring Kuma by that's fine. Merci, again watching him I hope he wasn't any trouble for you and Russia. Talk to you soon love you, bye"  
  
Canada tossed the phone over to the opposite sofa cushion as he sunk into the plush furniture; it was good to be back in the comforts of home. However, there was no comfort to be found, only silence. Now that he really listened, it made him uneasy. Germany's house was always so loud and alive, between the chiming clocks and Italy being...Italy. Prussia and Gilbird making a ruckus, not to mention the dogs and cats. It was the sound of family.....family... That thought made him shiver. What would he do when Prussia went home? He couldn't trouble Alfred, or their parents.  
  
 _"You'll just have me…”_ The dark voice spoke making Mathew jump and turn around, seeing only his reflection in a wall mirror. He was smirking in a sinister way...it wasn't his face.  
  
"no…non!!" Mathew screamed covering his face, this wasn’t real he must have fallen asleep that must be it. “wake up, wake up.. I don’t like this please wake up.” He chanted silently still covering his eyes from the grinning manic copy sitting with in the glass.  
  
 _"If you don't like it destroy it!"_ the voice taunted  
  
Mathew dropped his hands silently as his face blank, "destroy it..." He mumbled looking up through the shadow of his disheveled hair. The face in the mirror grinned in psychotic approval, step-by-step Mathew crossed the room each step a bit faster as the muscles in his arm tighten drawing the extremity back in a fist punching the large round glass fixture.  
  
The sound was like a gunshot as the mirrored glass exploded under the pressure of the strike splintering out from the impact as it shattered.  
  
Gilbert had just been climbing the steps of the back deck when he heard the sound of glass breaking. It was familiar because, well the bad touch trio had their fair share of drunken brawls. These usually resulted in broken glass and busted chairs galore.  
  
"Matthew!" The albino took the steps two at a time throwing the back door wide. The Prussian feared perhaps an intruder or wild animal had gotten in while Canada was away and the young man had stumbled upon them. Country or not being caught off guard wasn't a good situation.  
  
However, instead of finding the little Canadian tussling with another, Prussia found the young man standing blankly before the shattered mirror. Matthews hand steadily dripping blood on the hardwood floor, as the young man stood swaying and staring into nothing.  
  
For a moment, Gil just stood there watching the haunting emotionless expression and the usually smiling face. He saw this before, that day at the meeting when Canada lashed out at America and went toe to toe with Russia.  
  
Not just that though, Prussia knew this look cause he'd seen it on his own face when the wall fell. He'd seen it on his brother’s face when he was so clouded by that mad man the younger had called Führer. It's a terrible hallow look when part of you has died and been replaced with something less than human. He’d seen it on Russia’s face.   
  
Gilbert approached slowly and quietly not wanting to set the younger nation off anymore. His touch was careful but firm, as much as Prussia hated the idea of it, he was prepared to subdue Canada if he had to. Fortunately, it seemed Mathew was content to be lead away from the mess.  
  
It took a moment to find a bathroom since Gilbert had never been in Canada's home before. Once inside he carefully guided the blond to sit on the side of the tub. He didn't ask why, it didn't seem to matter as it was already done. Paired with the fact that Mattie's expression was still in a state of catatonia.  
  
Prussia carefully unbuttoned and slipped off the younger nation’s shirt and set to picking the bits of glass from Canada's knuckles. Mathew didn't flinch or show any sign of pain during the extraction. Gilbert checked over the damaged, satisfied nothing was broken he cleaned up the shallow wounds. It was only then that the blond began to shiver some in the cold bathroom.  
  
Garnet eyes looked up to see glistening indigo's brimming with tears.  
  
"Th-there's...some-something really wrong with me..." Mathew’s lips trembled as he spoke.  
  
Gilbert gently cupped his little loves face soothing away the tears that fell. "I'll fix it Mathew I promise."  
  
"I promise..."


	18. Never too late

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PSA: Alcoholism is a serious addiction, many times; it goes hand in hand with depression. Even if a person says "I don't have a problem", it’s not always the truth. When drinking interferes with your personal life, your involvement with family and friends, your job, and your ability to function YOU HAVE A PROBLEM. There is help out there, if you or someone you love has a problem with alcohol or any form of substance abuse there are public health professionals available and waiting to help. You are not alone.

  
After the mirror incident, Gilbert had insisted on putting Mathew to bed. Even though this made the other man feel like a terrible host. It wasn't like the Prussian was going to hear any of his objections anyway.   
  
Since they had arrived just past afternoon, Gil had decided to try and cook dinner, emphasis on try.  
  
It wasn't like he was completely hopeless in the kitchen it's just that, as Italy put it -"Gilbert only makes bachelor food." Nothing fancy was going to come of his cooking adventures but it would be eatable and you would probably live with out medical intervention. So in short, better than most of England's cooking.  
  
After digging through the massive pantry and freezer, Gilbert came up with something even he couldn't mess up. A box of hamburger helper and some ground beef. It may not be five stars but it would be comforting to an empty stomach. So the Albino set about the task of peeking through cabinet's and drawers to find all the cooking utensils he would need as he hummed along to himself.  
  
Prussia even surprised himself at how at ease he felt in a house he'd never even been in. It felt like being home, no it was more than that because when he came back to Germany's home after the Wall fell it wasn't really his 'home' anymore. It felt like years ago when he was a kingdom, when he and old Fritz would have coffee and look out the grand floor to ceiling windows looking over Berlin. It felt like those afternoons when he would sit Ludwig down in the dinning hall with King Wilhelm and teach the youth battle strategy. It was a warm yet painful feeling that bloomed in Gilbert's chest. The fondness for the memory and the longing of loss. But why here? Why did he feel that on Canada's soil?  
  
As the scar on his back began to ache at the nostalgia, Prussia shook off his musings- it was better not to think of the past. He had to stay strong for Mathew, and falling back on painful memories would do nothing but distract him.  
  
Looking down into the saucepan of noodles and browning meat ... that smelled pretty good actually, he grinned at his accomplishment. "Ha! Zhe Awesome me haz totally owned you and your macs and cheeses Hamburger helper! Take Zhat you ...hand…with a face…Vait vhat the hell is zat anyvay… America your stuff is creepy…” Not caring to ponder the marketing value of a disembodied talking hand with a clown nose any longer, Prussia poured his creation into a set of bowls to carry up to Canada.

* * *

  
Mathew sat up against the stack of pillows in the center of his bed; he eyed his bandaged hand with contempt before letting out a sigh. Gilbert was supposed to be his guest yet here he was in bed while the German was down stairs cooking. Canada honestly felt that he'd made a royal mess of things, Prussia most likely thought he was stark raving mad.  
  
 _"Because you are, that's ok it makes you actually interesting."_ Mathew squeezed his indigo eyes shut tight to the voice, cupping trembling hands over his ear as if to block the sound that resided with in. As if, it could be stopped to easily.  
  
Taking as few deep breaths to assure him that the inner monologue could not harm him, even if he believed other wise deep down, it worked.  
  
As the blond lowered his hands, he heard a soft knock on the bedroom door fallowed by the click of the turning knob. Mathew had composed himself enough to give a little smile to the East German who walked in carrying a tray of food. "You really didn't have to cook Gil." he said in his usual soft timber.  
  
Prussia just grinned and set the tray on the side table." Und deprive mien Birdie of mien awesome culinary skills? "  
  
Gilbert made a big show of pulling the lids from off the dishes smiling broadly all the while, as if he had instantly become top chef in a matter of half an hour.  
  
Mathew suppressed a giggle behind his fingers and clapped for the Prussians mastery of the cheeseburger Mac. "I'm impressed, handsome and a good cook."  
  
Gilbert smirked and let out his signature nasal laugh before reaching out taping Mathew on the end of the nose. "Ah' so you think the awesome me is handsome huh?"  
  
Mathew blushed realizing what he had said. This only served to make Prussia laugh harder.  
  
"That's alright, mein awesomeness is hard to over look after all. But, you know you’re good looking yourself birdie "Gilbert said with a wink. He loved seeing the little Canadian flush from such compliments.

* * *

  
The two sat on Mathews bed laughing and chatting while they ate their meal, Canada found out a few things he didn't know before. Like how Gil wished he could cook better, and how oddly enough Germany had a talent for baking. Prussia scowled of course saying that his little brother likely learned it from Austria, but that was fine because he taught the other more useful things.  
  
Mathew had just begun feeling a bit of the jet lag again when the doorbell stirred him from where he'd absentmindedly been leaning on the Prussians’ shoulder.  
  
"That will be Alfred, he’s bringing Kuma home." The blond made a move to get up with a pair of strong but gentle hands pressed him back into the mattress.  
  
Prussia gave him a warning look. "Nien, I will get it."  
  
"Gil, that's not necessary eh? I can answer the door at my own hoose, plus I think Russia is with him anyway."  
  
Gilbert tensed at the mention of the large wintry nation,” vhat is that creeper doing vith America; I thought they hated each other."  
  
Mathew sighed shaking his head." I honestly don't think Alfred has ever really hated anyone in his life, as for why they have been spending allot of time together...well, you know." Mathew made some vague motion with his hands like that would explain everything.  
  
Prussia pulled a face that looked somewhere between horrified and disgusted. "Mien Gott.....Vierdos... However!"  
  
As the albinos face contorted into a wicked smile Canada started to worry, "What ever you’re thinking non,"  
  
"To late!! There is Awesome to do!" The Prussian screeched as he ran from the room blazing to the front door.  
  
Mathew covered his face with his hands and flopped back against the pillows, this was going to be awful, to bad he hadn't the energy to care at the moment.

* * *

  
"Sup Brohaz!" Prussia practically yelled throwing open the front door. Reveling a very confused America and Russia, who was standing just behind the blond holding the polar bear cub in his arms. The little ursine far more passive in the wintry nations hold if the bandages on Alfred's fingers meant anything. Then again, Kuma was fickle when it came to his owner’s twin.  
  
Said American's eyebrow crawled up his forehead at the sudden appearance of the white haired former nation… "Um...Dude. Prussia what are you doing in my brothers house? "  
  
"Mien Awesomeness is staying here for a visit, now get in here. Oh you can bring the creeper to I guess." Prussia said fanning his hand in Russia's direction as he stepped aside to make room for the pair.  
  
Alfred hung up his coat and set to taking off his boots, Ivan was a little more on the reluctant side and settled with setting the little bear down in the entry hall and loitering behind the smaller blond. He looked more like a shy child than a 6 foot 5 wall of man.  
  
Kuma was content to pad away and into the kitchen to amuse himself and perhaps steal a few maple cookies.  
  
Once Alfred had divested himself of his outerwear, he glanced over at the Prussian who was currently fiddling with a bottle opener and a beer. "So where is Mattie, he taking a shower or something?”  
  
Gilbert's expression seemed to soften some, "Russia, would you ...go into the kitchen I need to have a word with America."  
  
Ivan didn't seem found of this request but Alfred nodded him off with that signature smile. Even Alfred knew Prussia well enough to know when the man had something serious to say.  
  
Gilbert's expression was solid with an air of melancholy; Alfred hadn't seen that appearance on the albino since the former nation had trained him for the revolutionary war. That look brought the younger man back to that place of uncertainty... he didn't like it. Heroes were not supposed to feel that tingle of fear travel up their spine, or the sour grip in the pit of their stomachs.  
  
"Gill, what's this about?"  
  
Gilbert looked him in the eye, garnet orbs searching the depths of blue. "I need you trust me, I am telling you this because you are Mathews bruder. Because bruders share a bond, and because your more level headed than Francy pants and bushy brows give you credit for." The Prussian favored the younger man with a smile to ease some of the tension.  
  
"Mathew... he's not himself right now." That was honestly the simplest explanation Gilbert could give. After seeing that dead look in the younger nation’s eyes when the Canadian nearly allowed himself to be choked into unconsciousness in a filthy bar, seeing the scars, and the broken mirror; this wasn't Mathew, it wasn't his Birdie.  
  
"That thing at the meeting…” Alfred's voice trembled, thinking about his brother’s hate filled words.  
  
"Ja, There is more to it than that. However, that is not mien secret to tell. All I can say is that you need to trust me to care of him right now. I understand this more than anyvone, I vouldn't do it this vay if I thought there was any other vay. Do you understand?"  
  
Alfred wasn't sure; shouldn't he be Mattie's hero? Yet, how could he? How could he face that fury that glowed in his brother’s usually calm and loving eyes? It hurt him and it frightened him, as shameful as that was to admit… he was afraid of his own brother in that moment. "What about Dad. And Pops. I mean, if there's something wrong with Mattie and something happens. And I...I didn't tell them."  
  
Gilbert placed his hands on the young mans shoulders, he looked more now like that scared teenager he knew all those years ago. Stuttering in a uniform to big for him, back when his cornflower eyes where unhidden and his face was still freckled from youth. Long before his shoulders became broad and his arms grew thick with muscle, when his just a wiry kid trying so hard to be free… That's what Gilbert saw, "You let me vorry about that, I have never Lied to you have I?”  
  
"No, but you better swear to me. Swear that you won’t let anything happen to him!” There it was that strength rising up again like the sun dawning the Rockies.  
  
Prussia offered his usual cocky smile. "Was? Mien awesomeness can never fail!"

* * *

  
Alfred had convinced Gilbert to let him go speak with his brother alone, the American wasn't sure what he would find beyond that bedroom door as he stood there staring down the lightly varnished oak. Images flashing across his mind of some of the worst times in his and his brothers histories, the sorrow and the pain, and they way they held all that at bay. This shouldn't have been a surprise, none of it should have been. Alfred chastised himself for keeping his head in the sand the last 40 years.  
 Mathew had tried to talk to him once after World War 2; he wanted to tell him something but... America just didn't want to listen. He wanted to smile again, he wanted see his people thriving again so he put it off. There was always something, and he just kept smiling, kept on ignoring. Alfred thought if he just continued on being cheerful that maybe Matt could feel that way to, maybe everyone could just move past all that death and pain.  
  
Alfred took a breath and headed inside, Mathew was lightly dozing curled around a pillow. Alfred couldn't help but smile, he sat down gently carding his fingers through his twin’s wavy hair. "Mattie…” he said in a low gentle tone.  
  
Canada's nose twitched a bit and his soft indigo eyes fluttered open behind golden lashes. "..Mm oh hi Alfie…” He said in a little sleep-laden voice.  
  
The nickname warmed the Americans heart; he toed off his own shoes laying down next to his brother. "Mattie, we need to talk. Please tell me what’s going on, I'm sorry if I haven't listened before but I'm here now so please bro. Just tell me what’s wrong."  
  
Mathew shuddered at the topic, "What did Gil tell you?”  
For a moment, he wondered if the Prussian had spilled everything, if at any-moment the world it self would know all his dirty secrets. The voice in his head whispered like an icy wind. 'I told you so'.  
  
"He didn't tell me anything, just that you weren't yourself ya know. Like back at the meeting but I feel like he knows more, so be straight with me and tell me what’s happening"  
  
"I…I don't know Al, and that's the worst part..." Mathew's breath hitched as he rolled over looking into his eyes. He tried so hard to suppress the bubbling sob that lay like a rock in his throat.  
  
America grabbed his brother and held the northern nation to his chest rubbing soothing circling on the slimmer males back. "Shhh, it's ok bro I swear to you I won't let anything happen to you."  
  
"You can't stop it Al, You can't, I don't even know who I am anymore...I just want it to end." Mathew sobbed into his twins shoulder clinging to others batman t-shirt.  
  
Alfred pulled Mathew away from him holding the other by the shoulders. "No, you do not say that. You understand. You wouldn't let me do that during The Depression and the Dust bowl and I won't let you do it now. I know It's hard Mattie, and I know I haven't been the best brother in a long time but I love you ok? God…. We were born in each others arms for Christ sake's." Al was fighting his own tears by this point, but he knew he had to be stronger now than ever.  
  
"Si vou plait...don't tell papa and dad, Al ...I just...I don't want them to be disappointed." The voice in the little Canadians head was laughing, taunting _'to late they already know your just a pussy version of your brother there. They wont care at all, in fact you should show them all….’_ Mathew squeezed his eyes shut sight trying to silently will the angry words away. However, they would not be held away and coaxed the pain to grip his brain, images of pain and death. Mathew griped his hair and sobbed.  
  
America could tell Canada was in pain and he was powerless to do anything but hold the other and rock his twin back and forth, quietly promising not to tell. He knew their parents wouldn't be upset with Mathew but he wanted to trust Prussia's judgment on this. It was a delicate situation and the less people involved for now the better. He just hoped that the East German would know when 'radio silence' would need to be lifted. Still, Alfred wanted to believe it wasn't going to get that bad.  
  
If he only knew, how it bad already was.  
  
Eventually Mathew had cried himself to sleep; a state Alfred hadn't seen his usually calm and collected twin in for many decades. He gently tucked Mathew in, feeling just as exhausted. All Alfred wanted was to go back to his home and curl up with Ivan. As much as the honey blonde hated to admit it, being in the larger males arms was safe and comforting. He needed that right now with everything falling apart around him.

* * *

  
Back in the Kitchen the tension was rising.  
  
Prussia was glaring with as much malice as he could at the Russian currently sitting at the kitchen table. Whom by the way was feeding caribou jerky to the attention seeking kumajiro.  
  
The East Germans hate-filled stare did not go unnoticed; it hadn't gone noticed for years now. Russia knew why, It was why none of the Baltic's would speak to him for years. Why Hungary spit in his face after the USSR disbanded. However time had worked to bridge those gaps, and while the lot of them were not exactly exchanging Christmas card; they had forgiven him. Prussia - well he was different.  
  
"Something wrong comrade?" Ivan said testing the others anger. On some level, he wanted to know if Prussia still wanted to claw out his eyes or if the albino’s aggression was more a passive one.  
  
What the wintry nation wasn't betting on however was three words unlocking decades of pent up rage. After the last few day’s no- years Gilbert had, it was a wonder he was functioning so well between the copious amounts of alcohol it took to get him through his days. It was only growing close to Canada that had given him something non self-destructive to do with his time. Being sober had its drawbacks though for the Prussian, it meant more time spent thinking.  
  
"Vrong....Is Zomthing VRong!" Prussia growled through his teeth his glare only intensifying, accent thick with wrath. "Ja, Zhere's a Creeper in Mien Awesome Prezence."  
  
Russia rolled his eyes and put on his childish smile to hide his annoyance. "You know Prussia I am thinking it has been to long for this hate you are having for me. I have said I am sorry, Lithuania could accept that and the others. Even little Latvia has no more hard feelings, I only wish to be friendly I am not so bad."  
  
Maybe it was the jet lag, maybe it was lingering feeling of helplessness with Canada but Prussia but something just snapped.  
  
"HOW DARE YOU!" The Prussian's whole body was vibrating with indignation.  
  
"Что?" Ivan leaned back on his chair watching the other man’s posture become rigid and dangerous. He didn't want to get into an altercation with Prussia but he would defend himself. Perhaps he might also enjoy it as-well but that was not the issue.  
  
"How dare you ask me for forgiveness. HOW DARE YOU!, you took EVERYTHING FROM ME! " The venom dripped in every word as Prussia stormed up to the much taller man, he didn't care anymore. He had kept his mouth shut for years about everything, for the sake of his brother, Hungary, France, Spain, hell everyone who had ever cared about him and he cared for in turn. He plastered on that arrogant smile and said he liked being alone, he said it was fine and so what if he wasn't a nation anymore it meant he had less paperwork . A lie...filthy lies....  
  
"You took my land! My People! You made me stand by and vatch you destroy the people I cared for und now you ask me for forgiveness? ...Brennen in der Hölle* (Burn in Hell)"  
  
Russia stood, his hand twitching to pull out his pipe and put the lippy albino in his place, but Alfred had told him he needed to control that sort of thing. It was frowned upon to bash in peoples skulls just because they upset you ..Who knew? " Da.. I, was not myself in those days. I am knowing this now, War makes us do terrible things surely you know this to be true after all...Look what side you where on." Russia just couldn't help but taunt even though this was suppose to be an apology.  
  
Then again, when Prussia lived in his house the German was constantly trying to get under his skin. So perhaps turn about is fair play.  
  
Gilbert's nostrils flared as he clenched his fists at his sides, how badly he wanted to clock the Russian right in his big nose. "Don't Act like you know me or vhat side I vas on! I could have given a Scheiße about the Führer und his ideals, I vas on mein bruders side not his!"  
  
"We all do things we are not proud of Da?"  
  
Prussia scoffed taking a step back . "Nien, you’re a monster, you loved it. You und that psycho Bitch sister of yours. Don't Think I can’t see vhat your doing vith America, you think you have him fooled so you can take over. You vill do just like you did back then, you vill try und destroy him und make him dependant so that you vont be alone! "  
  
The aura around the larger nation grew dark, Ivan could almost feel those heavy chains around his neck placed there by Stalin and Lenin. "You talk too much Prussia and think too little. I would never harm Fredka, I may have been a monster but I will admit my sins unlike you. If you had been human they would have hung you at Nuremberg."  
  
That was the last straw, Prussia drew back his fist "Scheißkerl!"  
  
However, instead of connecting with a Russians jaw, his arm was held back .  
  
"Jesus Christ ! I can't leave you two alone for five minuets!" America said dragging the infuriated Prussian away.  
  
"Vanya what the hell I tell you dude? And Gilbert bro not cool!" The young nation admonished both men while he worked to get space between them.  
  
Ivan slinked back with a kicked puppy look hiding his face in his scarf. The big man seemed more like a scolded adolescent at the moment. Such a vast change in the big mans demeanor that always confused those around him.  
  
Prussia was still seething but made no move toward the other, Alfred spared a glace to his family friend. He knew why Prussia was angry, Ivan told him everything, it was hard to hear but he asked. Alfred had wanted to know what happen after 1918 when the Russia had changed so much. In away he could understand both sides. Everyone of the nations had darkness inside them, some more than others.  
  
"Listen, Gilbert. I know its hard man but.... the past is behind us bro if we keep holding on it holds us back with it. Mattie needs you right now and I can't leave here with you like this. So please dude just chill, you don't have to forgive the big guy right now, but just know that he regrets how things went down, hell I regret how they went down. The important thing is your still here and you have my bro who is in there right now and he needs you ok?" America spoke kindly grabbing the elder man behind the neck in a friendly gesture.  
  
Garnet eyes meeting cornflower blues as the tension melted away . "Ja, your right... just. Get the creeper out of here vill you." Gilbert signed looking far less awesome than he usually did.  
  
Alfred didn't blame him though, and let the man go to slump on the sofa, he showed himself and Russia out. It had been a long day, everyone needed space.

* * *

  
Mathew woke up early in the night, he rolled over to see it was just a quarter past nine p.m. He considered getting up when he heard a sound from his living room.  
  
"Eh, that's right Prussia's here." he said to himself, tossing back the covers only to discover his bear curled up on the other side of the bed. The Canadian smiled, running his fingers through the velvety fur, he leaned down placing a kiss on the cub’s nose. He really had missed the fur ball.  
  
With a gentle smile and comfort in his chest, the blond exited the bedroom padding on barefoot down the hall. Upon finding the source of the sound, the mile on his lips tugged down.  
  
Indigo eyes feel on a scene he hadn't expected, Gilbert was slumped down in a chair facing the sliding glass doors that led out to the deck.  Scattered around the man were empty beer bottles, by the looks of things the Prussian had effectively put away a six pack on his own. Mathew let out a sigh of relief the German hadn't found Uncle Scotland's holiday gifts of whiskey in the pantry.  
  
Canada sighed and set to work cleaning up the mess, gathering up the bottles one by one and taking them to the glass recycling bin. On his way back, something off to the side of the chair caught his eye. Laying just out of reach of the slumbering drunk’s finger tips was a small folded piece of paper. On inspection, Mathew realized it was a photo, and judging by Gilbert's wallet laying a few inches away it was dear enough to him to carry.  
Matthew cleaned off his glasses and stepped over into the moon light to have a better look at the photo.  
  
Indigo eyes adjusted to the light as he lifted the creased 5 x 7  closer, realization struck him of the photos contents. Part of Mathew's heart  broke for Gilbert, there in the black and white image.. Standing in their uniforms was Prussia and Germany. The left side of the photo had been tore away as if someone else had been in the photo. There was something a bit off about it all though, the expressions of the two countries featured. True years ago no one smiled in photos, although Papa France always told him and Alfred to smile nice for pictures, much to England's displeasure who said it was undignified. None the less, the expression of the German brothers in the old photograph was ..Unsettling. It was like getting a look into a train car moments before the crash, their faces were set, jaw lines tight and eyes narrowed. Their posture was perfection, shoulders back chest out. They where the epitome of the ideal soldiers.  
  
And yet...  
  
As Mathew's finger tip traced the visage of the man who lay sleeping a few feet away .. He could see something else.. Sadness, regret, anger. So much lay in that uncharacteristically strict face, even Germany looked different. Then again, in those days...there was so much chaos in the world. Mathew had stood by his family, even if few people remember him he was there on the front just like everyone else.  In a way that knowledge hurt when looking at the photo.  
  
This man who was beginning to mean so much to him was apart of one of the darkest periods in history.   
  
Mathew turned the photo over reading the date, December 1935, Left to right - G.Belischmidt, L.Belischmidt, and Furher A. Hitler .    
  
Canada’s blood ran cold at the annotation on the back of the photo. Its not like he didn't know it, they all knew. It was basic information but he supposed they all had pushed it out of their minds. Ludwig and Gilbert had rejoined everyone years after and they all had become friends again. Nations did what their leaders asked of them, even so, there was a time when they all looked down on the German brothers for the actions of an evil man. ...even Canada.  
  
Mathew realized something then-  For everyone Germany and all the axis members included, the past was just that. They moved forward and changed. New leaders came and went just as they always had, the dark veils lifted and new growth appeared. They had more history to make, however, for Prussia that wasn't true. For Prussia, his history ended in 1947. Prussia was still living with his past because it was all he had.  
  
Canada picked up the wallet meaning to place the photo back, in all honesty he didn't mean to snoop it just happened. When he tried to tuck the photo away, he found another folded bit of parchment, on this one was a list of German words. He didn't recognize many of them, also the scrawl was so small and worn in places it was barely legible. Maybe he would ask Gilbert in the morning.  
  
He wanted to show Prussia that he was there for him. 

* * *

  
When Gilbert woke he found himself covered with a warm blanket, looking over to the sofa he spotted a slumbering Canada and polar bear. The albino grinned a bit at how cute it was, Canada had come out to sleep in the same room with him. Although once he gave the situation more thought, Gilbert smacked his palm to his forehead. Realization that the younger man saw him passed out drunk was not awesome at all.  
  
"Hng..Gil?" Mathew groans having been stirred by the others morning movement.  
  
"Ja, its me just go back to sleep  its still really early." Gilbert said slipping over taking the blanket he had been under and covering Mathew.  
  
Slender fingers slipped out from under the soft fleece and wrapped around his wrist. " Gil..listen I um..well last night..." Mathews words trailed off as his eyes flicked to the coffee table where Gilbert's wallet lay with the photo and list laying atop.  
  
Prussia saw it to, he wanted to hit himself even harder now. All the possibilities of things he might have drunkenly done or said the night before came to the forefront of his mind. " Ah...vell this is ..unawesome. "  
  
"Non..Gilbert I'm sorry,  you haven't done anything wrong just. Sit eh?" the pretty blond urged tugging the other down beside him.  
"You ..you have done so much for me .. and I never thought about you until last night. I'm so sorry if I'm adding to your burden."  
  
"Nien! Mattie, ...birdie...libeling never. You’re never a burden." Gilbert assured the other, cupping the younger male’s cheek in his hand. I never vanted you to see that, or ...those ." He said gesturing to the coffee table. "I just can't let it go yet."  
  
Mathew nodded leaning into the touch . "You don't have to, its part of you and if it would help I would like to know aboot it. I want to know more aboot you considering how much you know aboot me." He blushed at the innuendo.  
  
Even Prussia's cheeks flared a bit but he smiled.” Sure, the awesome me vill answer any of your questions."  
  
Mathew returned the smile and reached out for the folded list. "Maybe. We could start with these words eh?"  
  



	19. Kingdom Come

  
Gilbert looked over the old parchment; its creases were starting to fray with age and use. How many times had he folded and unfolded this scrap of his past, how often in those quiet moments had he fallen into a haze of despair over a life left behind.  
 He knew he would need to rewrite it soon, just as he had many times over the years. Pale fingers danced across the well worn page under a pair of watchful crimson eyes. He really didn’t need the words on paper; they had been carved into his very soul long ago. Somehow the seeing the ink stained page made it more real.  
  
Mathew observed as the Prussians gaze softened, conveying an emotion lost between fondness and sorrow.  
  
"Gil, if you don't want to you don't have to."  
  
"Nien, I do. I ... vell I haven't shared this vith anyvone in a very long time. It lost it's meaning to anyvone else long ago." Gilbert said, a sad smile tugging at his thin lips.  
  
For the first time Mathew could see the older nations age. The creases in his cheeks when he smiled, the faint little lines at the corners of those mesmerizing garnet eyes. More than that, there was an air of dignity, an elegance that came with experience. The way those war calloused hands handled the written words with such reverence.  
  
"I promise, I'll respect what it means to you."  
  
Gilbert needed to hear that, he hadn't felt anyone respected or cared much in a long while. After all, he was a dead nation by most standards. "This is a code, the code of the Teutonic Knights, vhen I vas just a kinder those men vere mien family. Vhen I learned vhat it meant to be a man, in those days vhen humans vere lucky to make it to forty und if you could not fight you died. Vhen honor still meant something."  
  
Prussia smoothed the parchment pointing to the first faint line of script.  
  
"Sparsamkeit', it means Austerity. To deny yourself luxury, during var there are many poor und starving und if your people are living so harshly you have no right to treat your self above their needs. If ve had extra bread, ve vent into the villages to feed the children und the old. I used to stay behind the men in my cloak, because of how I look most human’s vere afraid of me."  
  
Mathew’s heart broke, in his minds eye he could see Prussia as a small child confused why his appearance had to be so different. Canada moved closer resting his head on the others shoulder." I don't think you look scary at all eh, you’re just unique."  
  
Prussia smiled, "Danke birdie," He paused a moment savoring the wafting scent of the younger mans shampoo before continuing. "Tapferkeit ohne Wehleidigke, Bravery without self-pity und, Lerne leiden ohne zu klagen, Learn to suffer without complaint. Trust me bitching und moaning in camp of men who haven't bathed or seen a voman in months for fighting is a bad idea." Gilbert let out his trademark nasal laugh thinking about the past. " I vas taught to be brave because it has right not because it vas ordered of me, to be proud that I had that chance to be brave for my people, I tried to teach your bruder that during his revolution."  
  
"Al did learn you know, over that silly hero thing he does... I regret sometimes the way I acted during his revolution. I was even jealous after because of how he changed, he wasn't so young anymore. He had papa's respect, and even though I helped dad I still didn't find that same respect."  
  
Gilbert wrapped an arm around the slighter male, "England does respect you… more than you know, and he reminds me of Germania in a way. Very stingy vith compliments, maybe I spoiled West a little because of that. I alvays told him how proud I vas vhen he vas growing up. But, I vas also hard about perfection. Ve all make mistakes, I'm sure Arthur vishes he could have been closer to you. It’s not too late though Birdie, you still have your bushy browed mutti."  
  
Mathew giggled a bit, "He hates it when we call him mummy. I think you did a good job with Germany you know; I mean he's very reliable."  
  
"Ja, he is…ah these two here" Prussia said tapping the next phrase. "Mut, Courage und Zielstrebigkeit, Determination. My awesomeness vill take credit for teaching Lud those, I have alvays felt I vould rather be killed than give up."  
  
Mathews smile faltered, the voice whispering in the back of his mind 'see and your nothing but a quitter.'  
  
Gilbert noticed the blond tense up and he held the young country a bit tighter. "Stop that Birdie, vhatever you are thinking- don't. You have a lot of courage und I vont let you give up ok?"  
  
Canada looked up pushing the mental fog aside, "Oui, I know. let's keep reading though eh? I ... I need your voice right now"  
  
"Disziplin, Discipline I think I pressed that a little far with West, I have gotten better about it my self though. I vas pretty bad though I vhen I was younger. Frany could tell you how I used to threaten him about being too relaxed.  
  
Redlichkeit, Frankness…”  
  
Mathew snorted a bit at the mention of Frankness. "oh you’re frank, alright."  
  
"Vhy, honesty is the best policy Birdie, it’s not my fault my awesome is too much for people to handle."  
  
Mathew laughed pointing out the next line of script. "What’s this one eh?"  
  
"Gottesfurcht bei religiöser Toleranz, Godliness, coupled with religious tolerance, as the vould say, 'Jeder soll nach seiner Façon selig werden.' Everyone shall be blessed according to their own belief."  
  
"That’s really beautiful" Canada said with a sweet smile that made Prussia's heart flutter. What Gilbert wouldn't give to hear his language fall from those sweet lips? That would be truly beautiful.  
  
"ah, this one - Bescheidenheit, means....Humility" Gilbert blushed at the translation and the subsequent snorting giggle from the little Canadian at his side.  
  
"Was! I never said the awesome me followed all the rules!" he pouted before continuing.  
  
"Unbestechlichkeit, Incorruptibility, I haven't alvays been true to that one ." Gilbert said his eyes looking sorrowfully at the faded photograph on the coffee table.  
  
Mathew saw the gesture and reached up turning the Prussians face to him." It's not always our choice eh? I have done things I’m not proud of. We all have, I burned my brothers capital to the ground because for some foolish moment it seemed like loyalty to our dad, I listened to something in my head that told me hurting my brother would make England love me more. We may be strong unlike humans but we are far from perfect. Your still an amazing man Gilbert, you were not corrupted... you just lost your way trying to protect someone you loved."  
  
Gilbert felt a lump in his throat hearing the kind soft spoken words, for once someone understood. Mathew just got it, those sweet soulful eyes of indigo that didn't see him as a fallen kingdom. They saw him as a man, "Gott Mathew… you really are awesome."  
  
Mathew looked back over the list, indigo eyes falling on the next word he decided to be bold and hopefully not butcher the pronunciation "Fleiß, is that right?"  
  
Gilbert felt his stomach drop, so Cute... the way his language sounded coated In Mathews soft gentle voice. "ja, that's right. It means Diligence.  
  
Mathew nodded before looking up such child like curiosity sparkling in those beautiful eyes. "Can I try the next one to?"  
  
"ja, bitte. I mean, please do."  
  
"Treue..?" the way the little blonde turned his head in question was simply adorable.  
  
" ja, it means Loyalty, I have really tried to keep that one. Sometimes even vhen I shouldn't have."  
  
Slender fingers laced with pale larger ones " You have been very loyal to me Gil, I appreciate it allot. Plus you have always been a good friend to Papa even when things in his country said differently. I really value that."  
  
 The albino leaned over planting a little kiss in Mathews silken honey hair. "This one here Gehorsam," He said face pinching up a bit at the word. "Means Obedience, vhich the awesome me has a hard time vith, especially if the one giving orders is no vhere near as awesome as me."  
  
Mathews pleasant soft giggles at the phrasing was heart warming, it felt like the younger man had laughed more in this single morning than he had in a long time. "I can see where that might be a problem."  
  
Gilbert grinned and tapped the paper with a little snort of his own "Now these two all the other nation may blame on me for teaching West, Pünktlichkeit und Zuverlässigkeit, Punctuality und Reliability. I svere I think that West pisses on a schedule."  
  
This had Mathew practically howling, giving the East German a good natured punch in the shoulder. "You shouldn't say such awful things about your little brother. At least he hasn't been like Al eh? Getting so drunk and peeing in the fire place."  
  
Prussia raised an eye brow and grinned.  
  
"Non...he did to?"  
  
Gilbert slapped his knee crowing in laughed, "Nien....It vas a house plant."  
  
The two of them had a good time laughing in spite of their younger siblings, rolling around giggling on the sofa until they found themselves much closer than before. Gilbert simply played this off, even if his heart was beating fast at the slim warm form now lying against his chest.  
  
"Ah, should I continue?" he asked looking down at Mathew whom was innocently making himself comfortable, pulling the red Afghan from the back of the sofa and covering them both with it.  
  
"Oui" He said with a bright smile  laying his head back, completely content with this position of using the other as a cushion.  
  
"Zurückhaltung, means Restraint, you can take that one any vay you like birdie" Gilbert smirked wolfish   
  
Canada blushed and smacked the Prussians thigh. "Pervert!"  
  
Keseseses, Ja I’m sorry, ok this one, Selbstverleugnung, is Self-denial one of my citizens said once 'Wer je auf Preußens Fahne schwört, hat nichts mehr, was ihm selbst gehört.'  or 'He who swears on Prussia's flag has nothing left that belongs to himself', I vore my flag vith pride und everything I had of my people I vould lay down for their safety. Ve do this as nations, but my people they vould do this just as much as me. That alvays made me proud."  
  
Mathew reached up running his fingers over Gilbert’s hands, the little calluses and scars. "The way you talk about them, I know you say and well everyone says you’re not a country anymore but... When you talk about them I can feel it, it’s like when Dad talks about London, or Papa about Paris. Even how Al gets on his national holidays it’s the same. I want you to know I will always see you as Prussia even if the maps disagree I can feel it."  
  
Prussia couldn't help but feel a bloom in his heart; he wanted to say that he knew about Canada's township of New Prussia, that he was still on the map even if it wasn't his lands. However, it didn't seem as important anymore because for the first time in a long time being acknowledged by the world wasn't nearly worth what being acknowledged by Mathew meant.  
  
Gilbert cleared his throat from the small lump of emotion that had been forming; he was too awesome to cry, "Zurückhaltung, Self-effacement, 'Mehr sein als scheinen!' or 'Be better than you appear to be!' That's how I first became avare of my blinding awesomeness! Und this one here is Pflichtbewusstsein a Sense of duty, I vas a very good solider you know. I vouldn't be surprised if I vas the best cause you know I lead my army's und taught them their mean faces."  
  
Mathew rolled his eyes playfully gesturing to the next.  
  
"Gerechtigkeitssinn - Sense of justice," before Gilbert could even say another word Mattie smacked his leg again.   
  
"You hosier it was you wasn't it. Al didn't go around with this 'Hero of Justice!' until after his war. I blame you now for the hours of mindless conversations. While you may not have had anything to do with cape situation, I blame papa for that actually. "Matthew admonished the German though he was grinning the entire time.  
  
"Hey! Some of that was England, have you seen his shows? I'm sure he read you und your bruder all those fairy stories with hero knights to so I'm not all to blame. Francy pants though yeah, any weird outfits are his fault."  
  
Mathew blushed again turning his head up to look at Gilbert's profile, the mans strong jaw and long straight nose. The way his coloring was a touch darker around his eyes, it made Mathews heart skip a beat, licking his lips before looking away, "I, I always liked the ones about knights."  
  
Gilberts arm tightened around Mathews slim waste whispering into the younger mans ear, "How dose it feel to have your very own?" Smiling at how flustered the little Canadian became. Liking it so well he kept his voice low and close as he continued.  
"Ordnungssin, Sense of order, und Aufrichtigkeit, Sincerity. I vill always tell you the truth Matthew I promise you that.  Geradlinigkeit, Straightforwardness und Unterordnung, Subordination."  
  
"Y-you your not the follower type I'd think that last one, subordination would be hard for you." Mathew couldn't help but tremble feeling the warm breath on his neck.  
  
There was a low rubble as Prussia hummed, "Maybe your right but for the right person as I have said. I would gladly do anything to please."  
  
It was all Canada could do to take a deep breath and focus, "There's one more…what does 'Härte' mean?"  
  
Gilbert smiled brushing his lips against the soft supple flesh of Mathews jaw. "It means, Toughness,'Gegen sich mehr noch als gegen andere.', "Be harder against you even more than you are against others."  
  
"I-I'm not sure your h-holding to t-that, at this m-moment…” Mathew couldn't help stutter as the parchment fluttered to the floor, suddenly strong arms where encircling him.  
  
"I can't help it birdie it's was you do to me."  
  
Indigo eyes fluttered closed feeling those same strong hands he was admiring moments before take on a remarkable gentleness, slipping under the hem of his night shirt. His breath hitched as the large warm hands traversed up his torso. "G-Gil…”  
  
Prussia stilled his movements speaking low and soft, "I vont do anything you don't vant Mathew, just tell me vhat you need."  
  
"I, I k-know we already have e-even if we don’t. Remember but, I don't think I'm ready." Mathews face was rosy thinking about the drunken tumble in Prussia's 'lair of awesomeness' he only remembers bits and pieces. That wasn't what he wanted to have if this. Whatever he had with Gilbert, was to continue he wanted to do it right.  
  
Gilbert let his hold lax and kissed the Canadian’s cheek sweetly. "Ja, It's alright, the awesome me can wait for the awesome you. How about you show me how you make your pancakes, I'm starving!"  
  
Canada laughed sitting up tugging his shirt back down, leaning in to kiss Prussia on the forehead. "That I can do."


	20. Oh Tannenbaum

  
  
"Are you sure you don't vant to spend the holiday vith your vatter’s birdie?" Prussia questioned as they packed a couple of small bags for the Christmas weekend.  
  
Mathew had decided not to attend the family holiday celebration; he just wasn't feeling up to dealing with his parents, brother, aunts and uncles this year. Christmas with Gilbert and his family sounded like a much calmer affair, he did feel a little guilty at the disappointment in his Dads voice when he told Arthur he couldn't make it. He gathered from the uneasy expression his new German boyfriend was giving him the subsequent call from his papa France had been slightly more threatening. In a way though it was sweet that his papa had given the Prussian the ' you 'urt mes fili and I will bury you, Bon Noel mes ami!’  Or something close to that.  
  
"Oui, trust me when I say I don't think I'm up to playing referee between the British Isles." Mathew hated to think he was leaving his poor papa and brother to have to do just that but sacrifices had to made, and for once Mattie was looking out for his own sanity. Sometimes the person you have to be most kind to is yourself, and Mathew had been neglecting himself for to long. 

* * *

  
  
The plane ride back to Europe wasn't so bad; his boss had been exponentially pleased with Mathew becoming social, that she even sprung for first class. Seeing as he never went anywhere other than for meetings she was more than happy to see both men off. Prussia whispered something about the middle aged Canadian woman reminded him of Hungary, and they both had a little laugh at that.  
In the middle of the flight Mathew’s phone had begun to vibrate with a text, he almost wanted to ignore it but fearing something might be important he relented.  
  
 **HamburgerHero > CALL ME! NOW!**  
  
Mathew sighed and excused himself to high-tail it to the restroom, if Alfred wanted to talk rather than text it meant something or someone was on fire, dead, or couldn't button his pants and needed to be talked down from some emotional turmoil over tummy pudg. Canada honestly hoped it was the last one. He had dealt with that last one enough to know that about 10 minuets of blaming it on the washing powders would do the job. If that failed he would fall back on global warming.   
  
"Al, what’s the matter eh?" Canada said flipping the bathroom lock over to Occupied.  
  
"WHAT ISN'T THE MATTER? DUDE WHERE ARE YOU!" America shrieked into the phone. Though Mathew could hear a very Russian voice in the background trying to calm down his raging twin.  
  
"Al is Russia with you?"  
  
"WHAT! I mean…what yeah bro, but seriously da hell you at! It’s been like an hour and Aunt Ireland freaking took her top off!  TOOK. IT. OFF!  She damn near scared the bagesus out of Ivan. I'm not even gunna start on the weird bets Auntie Monaco and Auntie Seychelles are making right now.  Seriously I introduced them and then they started whispering weird things and obsessively taking pictures of me and the big guy. They are worse than Japan!"  
  
Mathew sighed slipping off his glasses to rub his brows in circles; this is exactly why he didn't go. "At least Uncle Scotland hasn't done anything weird yet eh?"  
  
Alfred laughed "Nah, well, if you don't count punching dad in the face as soon as he walked in. Because ya know… that’s how they say hello apparently. But really he hasn't been too bad; he and Vanya have been drinking on the back porch together. It‘s kind of adorable all the boozy bonding."  
  
"Well that's good I guess, Wales is there he’s fairly calm so maybe you have seen the worst of it. I'm sorry Al but I'm spending Christmas with Prussia this year." Mathew was firm and to the point, he wasn't going to let his twin guilt him into coming over.  
  
This of course was meeting with whining.  
  
"MAAAAATTIIIIIIIEEEEE"  
  
He could almost in-vision Alfred stomping his foot like a child. "No Al, I'm serious. Every year I have to be the one to separate the fights and end up with a bloody nose or worse  I'm not doing it , I can't I'm sorry."  
  
"But, but what about matching Pj’s and twin time and opening presents together?"  America really knew how to pull the heart strings.  
  
Mathew leaned against the sink chewing on his lip, the little voice in his head laughing saying what a terrible selfish brother he was and how he was ruining his family’s’ holiday. "Al, non I ...I know but please understand I need this."  
  
Alfred sighed sounding so pathetic, "I will miss you bro you know that, you will call me tomorrow afternoon right? I know things have been rough I just... we haven't missed a Christmas in 70 years."  
  
"I know Al, and I will miss you too." Mathew's tone saddened as he turned around facing the mirror. Replacing some of his features in his minds eye, shorter hair a cowlick, bright blue eyes.  He places his hand to the glass with a soft smile.  "Thank you for understanding though."  
  
"Yeah yeah, ahhh shiiiiiiit! I gatta go Mattie! Aunt Molly just put papa in a head lock and she’s screeching something about the IRA and his ass… That’s prolly a bad sign...LOVE YOU BYE!"  
  
  
Mathew smiled a little, in-spite of everything his family’s chaos was something he missed just a bit. It was entertaining if nothing else; however, this year he just wanted peace. The holiday with Prussia and his family sounded like it would be miles tamer.  
  


* * *

  
  
They were meet at the air port by a rather annoyed looking Switzerland and an excited Lichtenstein, who had already picked up Kuma from where the plane insisted placing the bear in the secure Cargo for animals. The bear cub seemed happy enough to take solace with the cheerful young girl who was giving the ursine loads of attention.  
  
"Get in the car, and Prussia keeps your mouth shut." Switzerland said narrowing his eyes on the East German.  
  
"Damn, nice to see you to Vash. Hallo Lili "Gilbert grinned taking his and Mathew’s bags loading them into Vashs' car.  
  
The girl stood up letting the polar cub toddle off to the waiting arms of his master. "Hallo cousin Gilbert! Hallo Canada I'm very happy you’re going to be spending Christmas with us."  
  
"Oh, I…Um thank you and you can call me Mathew if you like."  
  
Vash snorted and rolled his eyes at the blushing Canadian as Mathew and Gilbert piled into the backseat.  
  
The car ride wasn't terrible, Lilli spoke animatedly about the holiday so far and asked Mathew allot of questions, she tended not to go to the world meetings and didn't get to meet with other countries very often.  
  
Pulling up to house where Austria's car was already in the drive gave Prussia a reason to mutter something snide in German under his breath only to be warned by Switzerland to mind his language around his little sister.  
  


* * *

  
  
"CANADA!!!" Hungary practically assaulted him when he walked in. Being grabbed and squeezed by the very pregnant woman caught Mathew a bit off guard.  
  
Lilli immediately took off to get Kuma acquainted with the other house pets, Vash helping Gilbert with the bags.   
  
Elizabeta dragged her newly captured blonde nation off to the sitting room, patting is hand and asking him all manner of questions...some rather personal.  "So, how are things Canada. I know you and that weirdo Gilbert have been getting cozy huh!"  
  
Mathew blushed at the implications, "Eh? Oh well, you can call me Mathew and um well Gilbert and I, things are well?  I really enjoy his company he is very sweet."  
  
The Hungarian woman brows crept up in surprise, Gilbert....sweet? "Really, wow that's vonderful! I am very happy for you both. Please do take care of that idiot I know he can be a handful vith all his diaries and. whatever. Jeppers god can he be annoying!"   
  
"THEY ARE NOT DIARIES! THEY ARE JOURNALS CHRONICLING MEIN AWESOMENESS!"  Gilbert howled from where he was coming up from the basement having over heard Elizabeta's comments.  
  
She only waved him off with a sinister little smirk. "Give me a reason Prussia, I could still vhip you even like this."  
  
"Pfft, the awesome me wouldn't fight you and you know it. I don't fight little girls...vhich is vhy I don't fight Austria either." Gilbert laughed at his own joke, until Hungary threw a skillet at him.  
  
"GILBERT!" Mathew jumped up to go tend to the wounded albino currently curled up on the floor nursing the knot on his forehead.   
  
"Vhat is going on in here, oh its just Prussia… Is he bleeding on the good rug?" Austria said stepping over to retrieve his wife's skillet, wiping it off with a tea towel that had been on his shoulder. From the looks of his rolled up sleeves Roderick had been helping in the kitchen. "Who are you?"  
  
"Um…I’m Canada…”  
  
Roderick pursed his lips a moment then looked over to Hungary for conformation. He was met with a scowl from her however. "Right, vell...velcome."  
  
Mathew sighed sitting against the wall coddling the pouting Prussian. Austria didn't know who he was it pretty obvious. That little voice nagged him again ' _see no one cares, maybe you should show them all who you are so they can never forget.'_ Canada paused rubbing his own temples a moment; this did not go unnoticed by Gilbert who instantly forgot about his own pain.  
  
"Birdie, its ok...Roddy is an arshelock prissy lady man. I can go smack in his stupid face with my awesomeness if you want?" Gilbert said hugging his Canadian boyfriend.  
  
"It's ok; it’s not a big deal eh?"  
  
Gilbert knew it was a big deal, he kind of wanted to go punch Austria but it seemed like Hungary might have beaten him to it if the hushed whisper argument he caught sight of going on in the kitchen was any inclination. The woman was tugging on her husbands ear something fierce.  
  
"Gil…Can we lay down or something…My head kind of hurts"  
  
Prussia long forgot about the red lump on his own forehead, being the chivalrous awesome guy he is, jumped up sweeping Canada up in his arms. "Never fear! The Awesome me is here!"

* * *

  
  
The basement was quiet and cool away from the sound of voices and pattering of several dogs, cats, and an energetic polar bear cub.  
  
Mathew had kicked off his boots and was currently curled up with Gilbert listening to some holiday music. Their moment was slightly interrupted by Italy creeping down the basement stairs, smiling brightly holding two glasses of eggnog.  
  
"Ciao Mathew! How was-a your flight? Luddy told be to come down and-a  see if you two were ok. I-a told him you might-a be naked with big brother Prussia but he didn’t listen, but I’m-a glad your not!, oh and I brought Eggnog!"   
  
Both Gilbert and Mathew turned a bit pink at how easily Feliciano could say something like that. The short russet haired man didn’t even break his smile.  
  
"Ja, Danke Feli.. Tell West ve vill be up soon." Gilbert got up accepting the drinks graciously before  sniffing them and grinning at the heavy scent of brandy. At least  Austria hadn't forbidden booze.  
  
"Merci Feli, and the flight was fine I just had a little headache." Mathew said taking his drink with a grateful nod.  
  
Italy seemed to accept the excuse happily enough before turning to go back up and undoubtedly harass his husband a bit more.

* * *

  
Christmas dinner was so calm, Mathew felt like he had stepped into one of those Norman Rockwell paintings. Hungary talked about the baby and plans for the nursery, Austria preening like a proud papa. The little smirk never leaving his posh face while she spoke to a very interested Italy and Lichtenstein.   
  
 Prussia scraped his fork against the porcelain plate a few time when the topic turned, Roderick had made the comment of ' ja, it’s been a long time since ve have had little ones in the house.'  
  
 For a moment no one spoke and Mathew, out of reflex, was looking around at the place mats for all the knives on the table in-case he would have to confiscate them should a fight break out. He was used  to this when Papa would make some remark about  ' the Kirkland lack of taste buds'. Or If Aunt Molly got riled at Dad for calling her a Bogtrotter, which sent the woman straight over the table with whatever  sharp object she had in hand to shank the Brit. Alternatively, Uncle Alistair...because he's gone longer than five minutes without making some joke about how Scotland is way better than England.. Involving allot of swearing.  
  
This silence just seemed to get bottled down and passed over, little more than a deeply hateful glance shared between the two eldest at the table.   
  
It felt so ...anti climactic.  
  
The rest of the dinner Germany did his best to steer toward pleasant conversation. Mathew got to talk and be listened to! This was pretty amazing.   
  
Switzerland got a call and ended up having to go, blushing and whispering into the phone something about chocolate and waffles. Lichtenstein had begged to stay the night which he allowed only if she went back with Austria and Hungry. Cause he apparently didn't trust anyone else with Lili's safety.  
  
Although, Mathew got the distinct impression by the casual way the doll like girl spun her dinner knife between her fingers with such deadly grace, she was most likely more than capable of taking care of herself. Appearances could be deceiving.  
  
Following dinner, everyone had gathered in family room everyone sat around chatting. Roderick had gotten up during a lull in conversation and began to play the piano. This prompted Feliciano into dragging a very shy Ludwig up from the sofa to slow dance. Mathew would have laughed had Gilbert not snagged him by the wrist and twirled him around.  All the while Lilli and Elizabeta where snapping photos on their phones cooing over how cute it was.  It was amazing how at ease this felt surrounded by people who he thought didn't even know he existed.  
  
That voice in his head was nothing more than a distant hum being drowned out by melodic music and cheerful voices.  
  
Italy passed out a few glasses of eggnog, not all with liquor of course for the ladies. Mathew marveled at how after a few spirits Gilbert could happily sit with his brother and cousin at the piano as all three men sang Stille Nacht, the ranges of rich baritone and tenors melted in harmony.  
  
It reminded Mathew fondly of Christmas when he was little and they all went to the Kirkland Ancestral home which was Scotland's home.  
  
The big castle in Edinburgh seemed so drafty from the outside until you went in. The rich colors of greens and teals accented in gold and red.  When they all fled the formal dinning room and gathered around the huge fire place and Aunt Molly would play her violin tapping a foot in time with a fast jaunty tune. How he and Alfred would jump up and down and spun  around laughing and dancing with their parents, aunts and uncles.  
  
It brought a little tear to his eye.  
  
"Matthew are-a you alright?" Feli's concern broke through the memory jolting Mathew back into the present.  
  
"Eh? Oh! I'm fine thank you, actually… I'll be right back tell Gilbert I'm down in his room if he needs me I just need to make a call."  
  
Mathew slipped away from the group and down into the ‘ Lair of Awesome‘, tugging his cell out of the front pocket of his hooded sweatshirt. Dialing a familiar number.

* * *

  
"OI!" A woman’s voice shouted over the sound of laughing and mild arguments in the background and the recognizable sounds of  Dance dance revolution. No doubt Alfred’s idea  
  
"Bonjour, Aunt Molly!"  
  
"Oh! Mattie my treasure! dear love why ye not here with us hmm? Ya Da said you were with that Prussian gobshite, has he tried to shag you yet?"  
  
Mathew's face flared red. "N..Non..I well..."  
  
Molly's howling laughter filled the phone, "Oh love,  its fine I'm just playin at you. I suspect you want to talk to the Limey or the cheese eating surrender monkey, I'd pass you long to your goofy yank brother but he's to busy snogging the red wonder. Did ya know his names Ivan...how Russian is that!"  
  
"Papa or Mu..I mean Dad, either would be fine."  
  
Ireland snickered abit at the slip. "Aww darling, your Mummy is missing you no worries. The Limey twatter has been sulking for a bit since Alistair and his skirted Scot arse mentioned you not being here."  
  
"Really?"  
  
Before Mathew could get an answer he hear his aunt screeching Arthur’s name and something about "Move your narrow arse before I kick it; your wee baby Mattie is on the phone!"  
  
There was the sound of a tussle and a bit of cursing before England voice came over the line. "Mathew love?"  
  
"Hi, I just wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas. I hope everything is going well there."  
  
Arthur hesitated a moment before clearing his throat never one to show his worry, "Yes, quite well thank you. And over there as well? I trust by now you have had dinner ?"  
  
"Oui, how was it there no flipped tables eh?"  
  
Arthur snorted.” Absolutely not!, we are civilized you know and that only happened once thanks to your bloody frog father not keeping his gob shut." The Brits tone dropping a bit toward the end into something akin to sadness  " It was usual for this lot I suppose, nothing expensive broken as yet."  
  
Mathew smiled sitting down on the edge of Prussia's bed, Gil-bird fluttering over to his lap  the Canadian threaded his fingers through the avian soft sunny feathers. "I'm really glad,. I miss you guys. It's nice here I really hope I haven't disappointed you by not being there though."  
  
It felt bitter sweet, even though he didn't hear the voice nagging him he still felt a little tug around his heart with worry. Mathew had always felt like he and England were not nearly as close as they could have been. Not since when he was little and felt doted on along with his twin, when cuddling up with ' mummy' for stories and playing hide and seek in the fields was something they did daily.   
  
It just seemed like since Mathew grew up and acted like the more responsible one he was just left behind. He wanted to change that, Like Prussia said there was still time wasn't there?  
  
"No Darling you could never disappoint me," Arthur’s voice cracked a little, the sound in the background dieing down a little as the Brit likely retreated to a  quieter room of the house in Camden. "I suppose it just means another chapter in your life, you spending holiday with someone special to you. Do me a favor though you tell me if that git Prussia doesn't treat you well. I'll box his ears."  
  
"Merci, I will. Please tell papa bon noel for me?"  
  
"Yes of course, take care dear. You know I love you son."  That.. Was the best gift Mathew could have ever asked for.


	21. Just DIE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I almost didn't post this. but it was done so for those of you who still care here ya go.

  
  
It was a new year and for the personification of Canada, other wise known as Mathew Williams, it felt like a brand new life.  
  
Gilbert came back with him after the holidays; they both had resolutions to keep. For Prussia, it would be to curb his drinking to a manageable level and not use the alcohol to self medicate. For Canada, it was not to withhold his emotions for fear of being a 'burden'. The elder nation made Matthew promise that if something were wrong they would talk about it.  
  
Gilbert turned out to surprisingly understanding, he was not nearly as self -centered as he appeared to be. Not to mention the calming effect he had on Matthew, that first month back was like flying.  
  
But with every high there must be a low and of course it would happen for the world to see, and Canada wouldn't have his trusty east German there to lean on.

* * *

  
  
"Are you sure you're ok to stay here?" Canada asked for what felt like the 100th time to Prussia.  
  
"Ja, Ja! The awesome me can hold down the fort vhile you go to the meeting." Gilbert said leaning out of the kitchen clad in only a pair of Iron man pajama bottoms, a Christmas gift from Alfred.  
  
Prussia was going to have to stay and tend to Kuma; the annoying bear had gotten the worst of a porcupine's business end a few days earlier. While the damage wasn't too bad according to the vet, the ursine was still far too leery of everything and far too needy of both Canada and Prussia to be left entirely alone or to be around others . Thus leaving Gilbert to bear-sit, while Mathew caught a plane to the world meeting in Moscow.  
  
"Right, sorry. So, I will see you in a few days ok Gil?" Matthew felt like he wanted to say more like. I will miss you, I love you. Nevertheless, it seemed too soon for that much sentiment between them, Gilbert was still sleeping in the guest room after all.  
  
Well, he was mostly in the guest room. On the occasion when one of them was having a 'not so good' night, they would cuddle up together in Matthew's bed. Nothing had gone past some cuddling and making out. Mattie always seemed to put a stop to things before they got too far. That nagging voice in the back of his head whispering - _he's using you, it's all just an act, no one really wants you_ \- Sometimes he would tell Gilbert about the voice, most times he wouldn't.  
  
"Take care birdie, it vill be over before you know it und you will be home with the awesome me und ve can have pancakes und beer. Then maybe. .." Gilbert waggled his eyebrows suggestively. Making the Canadian blush brightly.  
  
"Gil!"  
  
Prussia just belted out a laugh, "You’re so cute vhen your face is all red Birdie!" he said before leaning in to kiss Matthew's cheek.  
  
"Yeah yeah, see you." Mathew muttered trying not to smile at the man before him. "I'll call you when I get there."  
  
Prussia saw him off waving from the cabins door, Canada felt a warm tug in his chest looking back in the mirror as he drove away. For the first time he had someone to come home to.  
  
It felt good.  
  


* * *

  
  
What did not feel good was running interference between his brother and a highly agitated Belarus.  
  
Matthew wanted to scream at the both of them but he did not, a few calming breaths and he stood up straight between the two fuming nations.  
  
Russia should have been doing this, he thought. Unfortunately, Ivan was far to busy cowering in the broom closet. That is what actually started this whole mess.  
  
Natalya had chased her brother demanding to know why, in her words that the "American swine" was in his hotel room. Apparently, she had come in to 'Surprise', or otherwise stalks her elder sibling; when she happened to catch Alfred coming out of the bathroom in nothing but a towel.  
  
In Matthew's opinion that could have ended allot worse than the current shouting match that was going on now.  
  


* * *

  
"Stay away from big brother pig boy" Natalya growled.  
  
Alfred just laughed, planting his hand on his hips. "Oh yeah? And what are you gunna do about it. Psycho McBitchface?"  
  
"Alfred!" Matthew snapped glaring at his twin.  
  
America just pulled a face and pointed at the angry woman, "She started it Mattie! She's just pissed because I'm getting in the way of her freaky incest fantasies. Excuse me for protecting my boyfriends honor!"  
  
And that's what did it; America said the magic word that seemed to unlock all the rage inside Belarus.  
  
 **Boyfriend.**  
  
An inhuman shriek came out of the small girl as she launched her self at the American. Mathew was just barley able to get between them shouting to the other nations in the room and praying praying someone would hear him for once.  
  
Thankfully, England and Ukraine were in earshot and darted over to assist in separating the two cat fighting nations.  
  
Arthur shouted and did his best to hold Alfred back, which was a feat in itself, while Katyusha pleaded with her sister to be reasonable.  
  
Alfred of course was no help steadily taunting the unhinged woman. "Let me go! Come on princess I wish you would give me a reason!"  
  
England scowled, grappling his son about the shoulders to detain him. "Alfred I taught you better than to strike a lady!"  
  
"She ain't a lady! She's a demon and Imma bout’ to go Dean Winchester on her Lolita lookin ass!"  
  
"I'll show you demon when I bathe in your blood!" Natalya shouted in response.  
  
Mathew still between them trying to keep the peace. He had given up on his twins ability to be the more mature one in the situation and  tried to appeal to the female country. "Please Belarus; I understand you care ...a lot about your brother. So maybe you can just be happy that he's happy right?"  
  
She sneered twisting up her face in an ugly expression, "Shut up Canada, you're even more useless than America. You are always there to fight battles for others, you are pathetic! Who are you to speak to me! You are nothing!  
  
Part of Mathews brain rationalized the woman was just angry, adrenaline was rushing and words were just spouting out with no rhyme or reason. Then another part rose to the surface, emboldened in hate and bubbling in darkness and malice.  
  
 _"Are you gunna let that bitch talk to you like that, are you gunna let her walk allover you, insult you and your brother. Make your family look like fools, that is going to make them hate you are. Show her. Show her WHO YOU ARE!"_  
  
It was like a tether snapping in his head. Suddenly his body was surging forward hockey stick in hand. In a blur, Canada had pinned the woman down on the meeting table. Natalya screams producing a knife from her garter stabbing the larger male in his shoulder.  
  
However, he did not even flinch, once kind lavender eyes now darkened and lidded as if bored.  
  
She stared up at him as the sporting equipment-come-weapon was thrust against her windpipe cutting off the oxygen.  
  
Matthew had her pined legs splayed around his waist, her hand clutching and twisting the blade in the back of his right shoulder. A collective gasp around the meeting hall rose as everyone stared in shock.  
  
Canada leaned forward whispering in her ear, "Who am I? I am the man that's putting you in your place little girl, you think your hot shit with that little pig sticker you have in my back. Let me tell you something Mon Cher, if I wanted to I could take that little toy from you and shove it so far up you that you could use it to pick the back of your teeth. Now you're going to play nice; sit the fuck down and keep your mouth shut before I have to teach you some manners."    
  
Her eyes were wide as her lips began to go blue from lack of air. That voice she had just heard, that was not the man from before. This one was serious, this one was bloodthirsty, she had seen this face before and it sent a shiver down her spine.  
  
Just like big brother, Canada had the same sickness. He just hid it better.  
  
"Matthew, son..."  Arthur approached slowly, worry lacing his tone as the bloom of red spread over the back of Mathews tan jacket.  "Let her go, she's not a threat now."  
  
The Canadian released the pressure on the hockey stick, taking a step back leaving the girl to flounder and fall off the table on a crumple on the floor gasping for air. "She wasn't much of one to begin with."  He muttered, reaching back with his left hand touching the knife sill embedded deeply.  
  
"Mattie bro, sit down we need to take care of that." Alfred gulped looking at his brother's careless posture as the man bleed in front of him. Mathew had never been violent out side of war, he had not even raised his voice since that day months ago.  
  
Canada turned looking at his Family, "Oh yeah," he said reaching back with his left hand taking hold of the blades hilt at the awkward angle.  
  
"Mathieu stop! Let your father do it!" Francis came running around the table to try to stop his son from causing more damage to himself but it was too late.  
  
Arthur moved forward as only to cringe at the sound of fabric and flesh as the knife was wrenched out and over. The blood flying off the blade in the movement and splattering across England's face.  
  
The room went silent watching the display, soon a broken sound of laughing lit from the floor. Belarus was coughing and giggling from where she lay. Pointing up at the nation who had just subdued her.  
  
"Canada, it was him all along! Canada is the monster! Don't you all see it, you all are so stupid! You have damned my precious big brother yet you let this thing run wild. Don't you see? He will be the end of all of you! All of you!"  
  
Matthew turned his head to look at her before glancing down at the blood soaked weapon in his hand turning it over in thought before flinging it down at the woman.  
  
"NOOOO!" Francis shouted, sure that the blade would find a home between the woman's eyes, but it did not  
  
The knife thunked dully as it struck the hardwood floor next to her head.    
  
Canada turned to face his family cracking a maddening grin. "What, just returning it to its rightful owner eh?"   
  
"Jesus...." Alfred whispered, this was not his brother.  
  
Blood began to drip from Mathews fingers down to the carpet. His vision began to sparkle at the edges. The thing inside had enjoyed its time at the surface and now it was time to sink back into the darkness... For now.  
  



	22. I got you

  
  
Gilbert woke to the persistent ringtone from his bedside table. He groaned and threw an arm out, blindly searching for the offending cell that was playing ' Do you think I'm sexy' at an obscenely high volume. Finally, his hand made purchase on the screens answer button as he brought the ungodly bright led screen into view.  
  
"Francy pants I svear to Gott this better be important, because if your calling to tell me about some kinky crap you did vith eyebrows I vill destroy you."  
  
"I should hope the frog is not disclosing any of our private business in the first place; but no" England's voice commented tightly over the line.  
  
Gilbert woke up a bit more cursing under his breath for unwittingly getting his friend in trouble.  
  
"Oh ja, that vas just a joke. Anyvay was do you want England?"  
  
There was a sigh before the other nation spoke again. “It’s about Mathew, my mobile was dead and it was too important to wait."  
  
Gilbert sprung up from the bed, "Was! Is he ok? Vas there an accident!"  
  
"I...” England hesitated; they were all still trying to figure out what happened. Russia seemed to know, he had heard his sister’s outburst, however the wintry nation was still a bit out of sorts and Alfred was doing his best to talk to him to get some answers. “I’m not sure what's wrong to be honest, there was an incident at the meeting between Alfred and Natalya and Mathew got between them."  
  
"Did that crazy bitch hurt him?" Gilbert growled, the Prussian was already up and changing into a pair of trouser. Wondering how fast he could catch a flight this time of night.  
  
"Technically yes she did but Mathew; he wasn't himself just before hand. He attacked her."  
  
That made Gilbert pause, Canada would never outright attack anyone. It wasn't his style, he was calm and collected. He thought things through, if anything Mathew always seem to know just how to talk to people before letting things escalate. “I’m going to try and get a flight  ..."  
  
"No, there's no time for that I will bring you hear directly. That's why I called; I can explain the situation better once you’re here." England said.  
  
Gilbert scrunched his nose. "Nien, I don't trust your hocus pocus eyebrows."  
  
"Listen you kraut sucking git I don't care if you trust it or not! Mathew is lying in a guest bedroom at Russia's home right now, unconscious and muttering your blasted name. Now you will do as I say or so help me Gilbert when you do see me I will kill you myself!"  
  
The East German could hear the promise in that threat and the gravity of the situation. He didn't like knowing that his birdie was in Russia's home, a place he swore he'd not set foot in since the wall fell. There was no choice now, Mathew was more important than his own discomfort. He had to move past how he felt about that place and about his past, his future was in front of him. It was in that moment that Gilbert realized how deeply he felt for Mathew, he knew he loved the younger man - but this wasn’t a love that had conditions. He would never chose anything over Mathew.  “Alright, tell me vhat to do."  
  
"Right, get a marker, salt and two white candles; then head to the front door. What I want you to do is draw a pentagram on the door and above it write Russia human name. Below the circle write Mathew’s name, not the last name he chose; use his birth name. Then I want you to light both candles and place them on either side of the door frame and pour the salt in a straight line between the two, tell me when you have it done."  
  
Gilbert finished throwing on his clothes and ran down the stairs, he chanced one glance at the sleeping ursine and decided to just drag out the big bag of kibble and cut it open. He had no idea how long he would be gone and was sure Mathew would be worried if the bear had been left with no food.  
  
Prussia followed the directions he was given, with some reservation; England's magic usually had a 50% error rate. He really hoped the green-eyed nation could pull this off. “Got it, now vhat?"  
  
England took a deep breath having prepared a similar portal at Russia's home, this would take a lot out of him but it would be worth it, he needed to help his son. “Alright, place one hand in the center of the circle and the other on the doorknob, when I tell you to your going to feel to door pulling open. Step through and for the love of god do not disturb the salt line."  
  
"Let's do this eyebrows I'm ready!" Gilbert put the phone on speaker slipping it into his shirt pocket as he placed his hands where he was directed. He could hear some muttered words on the other end of the line in some language he did not understand.  
  
"NOW PRUSSIA!" England shouted  
  
Gilbert leaned into the door as it shot open, jumping over the white line in front of him. The elder nation felt like the wind was being sucked from his lungs for a moment and the sensation of falling. Prussia squeezed his eyes shut against fear, hoping he wasn't going to end up in the middle of the ocean or something like that. Instead, he felt a thud as he hit a wooden floor.  
  
When Gilbert looked up, he saw England slamming a door and brushing away a line of salt before the blond fell to his knees panting.  
  
Gilbert rolled over onto his back staring up at the ceiling of Russia's home. " Jez...that vas some vierd shit but... Strangely awesome.." He muttered trying to catch his breath.  
  
A few moments later Alfred came running into the room looking white as a sheet.  
  
“Dad!! Jesus Christ plucking a banjo! it sounded like a bomb went off in here!" Alfred said taking in the scene. Russia was right on the younger nation’s heels pipe in hand.  
  
Not the image of the soviet Prussia really wanted to see.  
  
"I-its fine..Alfred..J-just ringing Prussia. Sort of...” England groaned rubbing his temples.  
  
The other two spied the albino sprawled on the floor and the pentagram drawn in chalk on the front door. Russia seemed to understand immediately, "You know England; there are easier spells than that." He said with an amused smirk garnering a glare from the former empire.  
  
"Like I vould vant your spooky ass materializing in mien bedroom." Gilbert snapped getting to his feet and brushing himself off.  
  
"Alright! that's it, no more Harry Potter for anyone!" Alfred shouted “More important stuff ok people! Gil, bro you come with me ok."  
  
Gilbert nodded leaving England and Russia in the entry hall.

* * *

  
America lead Prussia up the stairs, not that he needed to. Gilbert knew every nook and cranny in this house, not by choice but as a survival technique. As they entered a familiar hall way on the third floor the East German fought the chill that slithered up his spine. They couldn't be going to that room could they?  
  
The pair stopped at a dark blue door at the end of the hall, Gilbert reached out to stop Alfred before the young man could reach for the knob.  
  
"Vait, I have to ask ..who told you told you to put him in this room."  
  
Alfred looked confused, "No one, first floor is all office-y and work related crap and the big guy has been moving shit around on the second floor. I knew there was a bunch of old bedrooms up here and figured the one on the back of the house would be the most peaceful that's all. There a problem?"  
  
Gilbert felt some of the tension slip out of his shoulders, "Nien, it's just that...this vas my room  ...vhen..."  
  
Alfred's face was a wash of horror. "Oh god...Dude...I didn't know, shit that's prolly why Ivan kept giving me those weird looks when I carried Mattie up here."  
  
"You mean he has looks other than weird?" Gilbert commented dryly.  
  
Alfred scowled a moment, "Yes! Ya know he really is trying. I know some pretty shitty stuff went on and hell I was pissed at him myself for a long while but seriously bro, you gatta let that shit go. We live for a long ass time and sometimes you gatta put the past behind you. No matter how terrible it was."  
  
The younger man paused placing a hand on his shoulder. "Listen Gil, I look up to you man. You have been through more than most of us have and will ever know. I also know Mattie needs you right now so please for him can you come in this room one more time?"  
  
That was a tall order. The day Prussia left the house he swore he would never willingly step back inside it. Yet here he was, red eyes staring down at that navy blue door that had been his prison gate for so many years. Now just behind that door was someone who meant more to him than his pain.  
  
"Ja, I vill."


	23. Tomorrow will be kinder

Gilbert entered the small bedroom, the layout was much like it had been all those years ago. For a moment, he had to fight down the urge to bolt away from this place. Glancing around at the aged décor that he once knew so well. A small wooden wardrobe in a drab grey sat along the wall next to a simple desk and lamp. The opposite wall where a bed was situated against it. The once white painted brass of the four-post bed was now chipped and flaked, showing more of the patina metal beneath.  A bedside table with a chamber pitcher and bowl also showed its age as the once deep red rose on the vessels face had faded into the porcelain. The row of windows that made up the sidewall had not been cleaned in a while; the light filtered through the haze and gave the room a soft glow.  It was all the same if a bit bleaker with age.   
  
One thing however was different, one distinct thing that made this worse for Prussia.   
  
It was his little birdie lying on that small uncomfortable bed.   
  
France was seated in the chair at his son’s side, gently dabbing away the sweat from the youngmans brow, a damp cloth clutched in the usually elegant man’s grasp. He seemed so much older in Gilbert’s eyes now, holding that look of hopelessness on his normally flirtatious, immaculate features.   
  
You could see the lines around the Frenchmen’s eyes and the darkened roots of his gold hair. The shadow of stubble around his chin a far cry from the always well-groomed goatee.  “I suppose Arthur sent for you.” Francis spoke in a tight timber not even trying to hide the low burning anger.   
   
“Ja how is he?” Prussia knew how this was going to play out. He knew that his friend would not take kindly to the knowledge that Gilbert had known about Mathew’s problems as of late.   
  
“’e would be better if this ‘ad not ‘append.” Francis stood up tossing the rag into the bowl of shallow water causing a bit of the liquid to slosh out of the basin and dapple onto the lace covered table below, inking the snowy white cloth a fifthly grayish color.   
  
Prussia fought the urge to raise his hackles. This was not his fault, he had been doing everything he could to help Mathew. Francis had no right to be angry with him, still - there was part of that belief that was shallow. Maybe he should have told France and England. What if by not telling Mathews family, Gilbert had endangered the younger man. The German did not want to believe that he had made such an error in judgment. Mathew was a grown man and all Prussia did was treat him like one.    
  
“You knew about this didn’t you,” France demanded, his volume rising when he did not hear what he wanted. “Answer me!”  
  
“Ja I knew! Vhat do you vant me to do about it now? I cannot go back; I cannot say I’m sorry because you know vhat I’m not. Mathew is an adult und I vas treating him like one. He didn’t vant you to know, und I vasn‘t going to betray his trust.”  
  
It hurt Gilbert to have to yell at his friend, it hurt even worse to see that look of sadness wash over the other man’s face. “Pourquoi? I am ‘is papa… ‘e should trust me. ‘e should know ‘e can come to me.”   
  
“He didn’t vant to disappoint you. Verdunt…  Francis, he just vants you all to see him as strong und independent, the vay you see Alfred. He vants... He vants to be seen at all.”  
  
“I did see… I do.” the Frenchmen offered before collapsed back into his chair, holding his head in his hands. “But, I ‘ave never seen Mathieu like that Gilbert. The look in ‘is eyes, that look was so dead, it was like seeing an animal about to kill. Something so mindless set on nothing more than tasting blood. That is not Mon son, I know that, w’at I do not know is ‘ow this ‘append to ‘im.”   
  
“I vish I had un anszer for you.” Gilbert stepped forward laying a heavy hand on his old friends shoulder. Looking over the man’s back at the troubled face of the slumbering Canada. Mathew looked so pale and so thin, so - not right. He just couldn’t put a word to it. “You need a break ja? I vill stay vith him.”  
  


* * *

  
  
After France agreed to leave the room England had stepped in, Arthur wanted to fill Gilbert in on what had happened since there had not been time before. He was still feeling the after effects of his spell, there was a reason he didn’t do things like that anymore.   
  
When Arthur entered, Gilbert had not even bothered to look at him. The East German’s gaze was focused and determined. He held Mathews hand between two of his own gently running his fingertips back and forth over the ridges of the younger man’s knuckles.   
  
“Are you going to tell me vhat the hell happened Arthur?”   
  
That tone, England paused straightening up his posture. There was no joke or even arrogance in Prussia’s voice. That sounded nothing like the fallen nation that Alfred had helped to liberate in the 80’s. This sounded like the man Arthur knew hundreds of years before, a man who rode on a black horse and had calculating red eyes. The Kingdom of Prussia was evidently still underneath all that bravado, good to know. They may need the old knight someday soon.  
  
“What I gather from Alfred, Russia knows something about all of this but he can’t seem to articulate it - or won‘t. I can’t tell you how odd it is to see a fellow that size so shaken up. Even during the war, he never showed an ounce of falter. It was something Belarus said, something about Monsters.” Arthur said leaning against the wall looking down at the pair. He hadn’t yet allowed himself to be emotional about this whole situation and his hands flexed at his side. He wanted to go over and touch his little boys face and speak softly to Mathew, to tell him everything was going to be alright. To hold his baby boy and will all of this hurt away, to use every ounce of power he had to make him well. Because that’s what parents do, that’s what mothers do.   
  
“She’s crazy, anything she says could be nonsense.” Gilbert said, he gently tucked Mathews hand away under the blanket to keep the young nation warm. He did so with such care, smoothing the blanket around the edges like a single wrinkle would become painful.   
  
England sighed his nervous hands mussing up his already unruly hair, “That very well maybe but the fact still remains. Mathew was not himself when he attacked her, I have never seen him like that. I know my son contrary to popular belief, I also know what madness looks like and that’s the closest term I can coin for what I saw in his eyes.”  
  
Gilbert ground his teeth, “He’s not crazy, don’t even say that.”   
  
“I’m not saying that, I’m saying that he’s ill and he needs help. Don’t you sit there and tell me you were not aware of that.” Now it was England’s turn to sound angry, emerald eyes narrowing dangerously as he stalked toward the foot of the bed. “Alfred told me about his visit to the cabin, about how Mathew was when he last spoke to him. About what you told him, what Mathew told him? What part of this did you think you could control Prussia?”  
  
Ruby eyes glinted dangerously, “Do you think I even attempted to control this? If I could I vould have, I vas trying to keep him alive!” Prussia growled as he shot out of his seat, “Ve may not die the vay humans do but ve lose something far more precious. Ve lose ourselves, the part of us that our land dose not touch that small fraction of humanity ve vere born vith. I vanted Mathew to hold onto that because I could see it fading from his eyes! I vill not allow that to happen… not again.”  
  


Arthur’s grip tightened on the bed rail. “This wasn’t just your fight, this isn’t like…” He could not bring himself to say it, ‘this isn’t like with Germany’. It would have been insulting and Arthur was a gentleman after all, he knew that antagonizing Gilbert would do nothing.  “This is my son, Francis’s son. You have known us nearly our entire lives, you should have trusted us enough to tell us the truth.”   
  
“It vasn’t mine to tell.”   
  
England released a weary breath and settled himself into a chair on the other side of the bed. He knew Gilbert wasn’t to blame, they all let this happen. They saw what they wanted to see and dismissed the rest. This was as much his fault as anyone else’s.   
Arthur gave in and rested his arm on Mathew’s pillow, carding his fingers through his son’s sweat dampened hair. “Will you tell us now? He can’t do it himself Gilbert and I need to know, we… Need to know.”   
  
Prussia looked between them; he hadn’t seen that look on England’s face in ages. Part of him couldn’t help but think that Mathew would have appreciated this much more if he were awake. “Ja, I’ll tell you. I’ll tell you everything.”   
  



	24. Hello

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...writers block is a bag of dicks. Anyway! enjoy this, sorry its short. I hope you like it anyway.

They say that the truth will set you free. Somehow, Prussia did not feel very free right now. In fact, he felt like he was betraying the one person he cared for and cared for him in return.    
  
Gilbert had always been a man who kept his own demons private, the dirty dark secrets that loomed beneath smiling eyes. In the time he had spent with Mathew, he found the other man was the same.   
  
The world saw Canada as a passive polite little nation, and Mathew was just fine with that. In a way, being forgotten meant that no one remembered all the shameful things you had done. The way his country treated Japans People, and China’s people. The way they treated their own aboriginal tribes, all the hate that simmered under that smiling polite surface.   
  
It was no wonder they were here right now. Canada was a man with a perfect mask, one that had held to the perceptions of the whole world. All anyone ever remembered were his hockey and his pancakes, not that he stood on the shores when his leaders turned away a ship full of Jewish refugees during the war, essentially sending them back to their deaths. No one knew how that ate Mathew up inside, how he spent so many sleepless nights worrying about his family. About unspoken things that he could not even tell Prussia about?   
  
You can only push a man so far before something breaks.   
  
“After the world meeting in mien bruders place, after…that incident at the bar.” Gilbert spoke mostly into his coffee, never looking up at those around him as he described the filthy motel and humans that had beaten Mathew. The way the younger man looked like he had simply given up. He could not see the pain on their faces when he told them that.   
  
“I brought him home und cleaned him up, tried to make sure he vas alright.”   
  
“Why in the bloody hell didn’t you call us? France at the very least!” Arthur couldn’t help it, his voice cracked as he thought about his child broken and beaten.    
  
France put his hand on the smaller man’s shoulder whispering in his ear to calm down. Despite the fact, the Frenchman’s own hands were shaking.   
  
“I told you, I couldn’t do that to him. Canada is grown und deserved enough respect to be treated like a man, not as a kinder to hide in his mutti’s apron. I thought it vas best to give him a chance to explain.” Gilbert took a sip of the too strong too hot brew. America’s coffee always tasted like it had a shoe in it. That was good though, he needed that to hold him down.  “After ve talked about many things, I understood und so I vanted to help him. I thought he vas getting better but I could tell that he didn’t vant to be alone so I came back to his place vith him.”   
  
It was then Russia’s sister Ukraine had come to collect him from Alfred’s side. The large man slipped away silently to speak in hushed tones in the hall. It would appear the soviet family was not in much better straits now.  
  
“Vhen ve arrived, there vas… another incident. Mathew hit a mirror, but I don’t think he meant to. He vould’t tell me why just that he vas afraid.  He did not look like himself in the eyes, he seemed far avay.”  Gilbert felt the lump rising in his chest, he had failed Mathew. He should have seen that the younger man wasn’t okay, should have felt it. All the time they had spent together, leaning about each other and healing the wounds time left behind… all that time and he still couldn’t see what he needed to see.    
  
“During the holidays things seemed to be better, he seemed better.” Part of the East German now wondered if that was all an act. That would be just like Mathew, to pretend things were ok so that he wouldn’t be a burden.   
  
“’ow was ‘e the morning ‘e left?” Francis asked, hoping for some clue.   
  
Gilbert turned the coffee mug in his hands thinking over the question. He replayed every moment in his head and still came back with the same. “Fine, he vas fine.”

* * *

  
They sat there in silence; the only sound was the ticking of the kitchen clock on the wall. Alfred had left to go check on Ivan.   
  
That was another thing, Prussia had noticed it and he hadn’t thought England had missed it either. Gilbert wanted to go and ring the truth out of the big Russian. Or better still go and hunt down Belarus.    
  
France seemed as deep in his own self-loathing as he was into his fourth cup of England’s Tea. 

“Excuse me…”   
  
The three men looked up to see Ukraine; Katyusha forces a smile as she slipped in carrying a box of pastries. “I um thought you all might be hungry and I hadn’t had time to cook with all of the excitement today.”  
  
“Thank you, that was very thoughtful of you.” Arthur, ever the ever the gentlemen, said as he flipped up the lid to take out a scone.   
  
“Also…” She hesitated biting her lip; Gilbert had seen this from her in the past. Katyusha was a sweet woman and far more intelligent than many gave her credit for. It was after her who saved him when Russia would have one of his …darker days.  “I feel I should tell you something.”   
  
She was like that, never wanting to deliver bad news, always holding things she felt were to painful. In a way, she was more Ivan’s protector than he claimed to be hers.    
  
“It’s alright Katyusha; you don’t have to apologize for your sister.” England said, assuming the kindhearted woman had meant to make amends for her volatile younger sibling. 

“we all know ‘ow she is Kat darling.” France added smiling to her as he took a croissant for himself.   
  
Some home how Gilbert knew that wasn’t it. “You know something. don’t you?” He could read it in her shining eyes.   
  
The East Germans words stirred the attentions of the other men at the table. Ukraine fidgeted under ther eyes  “I.. well.. Yes. You see I spoke with my sister, about what she did - about ..Canada.”   
  
“Spit it out!” Gilbert slammed his fist on the table. God he needed a drink right now.   
  
Tears threaten to spill as she stumbled over her words, “ I ..I know what it is. What Canada is.. The thing inside him! I know because. I know because my precious Vanya.” She simpers wrapping her arms around her torso tightly.   
England shot from his seat placing gentle hands on her trembling shoulders. “Please…Kat I’m begging you tell me what’s the matter with my son.”   
  
“He has the darkness inside…China…he knows, It happened to Vanya and it has taken so long for him to get better. Thanks to Alfred, he has been doing much better. Natalya she saw it, the death inside Matthew.”   
  
Arthur looked back at the table, the others had risen from there seats at the woman’s chilling words.   
  
“’hat do you mean death?” Francis did not like the sound of that. Was Mathew sick?  
  
“I will explain…” Russia appeared in the doorway, his head down as he spoke. America rubbing his back and whispering soft assurances to the older man. 


	25. Broken Strings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: If this seems short it’s because it is. I am suffering from writers block something fierce. I foresee maybe 5 more chapters and an epilogue.

  
_“I will explain…”_

* * *

  
There are many horrors a life can see when they live for centuries, many more when the fate of an entire people are placed on their shoulders and their care entrusted to those who care only for power.   
  
Katyusha had always wanted to protect her little brother. When his rulers pulled the small child from her arms, she was left there unable to follow. Hearing him scream and beg her to save him, he was so small then. She should have fought harder, gone after him, stood by him. She always thought that, even to this day. It haunted her when she saw him clothes in rags, his smile becoming more and more false as the years went on.  
  
She remembered the next time she saw him, over others it stood out in her mind, his tattered little coat and the telling dark splotches on his gloves and pants. Ukraine rubbed the dirt from his cheek and coddled him, only instead of smiles and laughter she was met with eerily silence and an empty grin. “They won’t be my friends… I cannot have any. One day I will make them,” He said softly as she held him.    
  
Her baby brothers once sparkling eyes where now dull like a doll with dead glass eyes, they had broken something inside of him and she did not know what. She didn’t know if it could be fixed.   
  
There were times Ivan did not even know himself; all he wanted was a friend. Someone to care and hold him in his or her warm arms. It never happened, and in the silence of the dark frozen nights, he could hear a voice saying ‘you don’t need their love… You need their obedience. They will all leave unless you bind them down. You will always be alone, unless you can force them to stay.’   
  
To a child’s mind, it made perfect sense, if he could not gain the affection of others - he should take it. 

* * *

  
As they sat and listened, it was clear there were times when Ivan would slip into that familiar darkness. A grin would curl his lips and his tone would take a childish singsong quality. Alfred would grip the man’s hand tighter and bring him out of it.   
  
It was eerie and England felt a chill up his spine wondering if this was what his son was going to become.   
  
For Gilbert this was another reminder, had been in this house- in those dark days after the war. Prussia had always thought Russia was just some sadistic brute who hid behind an innocent pretense. Now, he just pitied the man. Ivan was more like a big child who had been so traumatized then acted out because they knew no other course of action. Something had made the man that way. If Mathew was suffering a similar fate - what had happened to him? 

* * *

  
  
“China was helping Ivan before, with ancient remedies. He promised me he would never tell anyone.” Katyasha said looking at the conserved faces of Mathew’s parents. “I’m not sure if it helped because of Ivan’s leaders and the wars, but maybe Yoa could help.”  
  
It was a long shot, but it was their only option. They were not like normal humans and going to a doctor or psychiatrist could only do so much. China was the oldest of the nations and had seen much in his life, his country was steeped in lore and magic that even England respected. 

  
“We will do whatever it takes.” Arthur said, Francis taking his hand tightly. They would do this together as a family.


	26. Time in a bottle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An: is anyone even still reading this? LOL I just don’t know, I know it’s been a while but yeah. For anyone who does still wants this garbage, here ya go.

Yao had always been stubborn but this was pushing it, even for him.

China refused to come to Russia's home, stating that if it were truly so serious he would need access to his own tools. Whatever that meant. There may have also been some screeching about not trusting his children to keep his house in one piece.

Therefore, the group was now east bound.

Ivan waved goodbye as they loaded a nearly catatonic Mathew into the back of his America's SUV.

The state his twin had since woken in just made America all the more nervous for answers. Alfred had gone up to check on his brother and found Mathew sitting up in bed with a glassy-eyed stare. He would not respond or give any indication that he heard his brother at all. Matthew had not said a word and his movements seemed forced and awkward. Like a marionette with a broken string.

Alfred wanted to cry, at first he just quietly held his brother. Asking... No begging for this all to be some sort of prank. Al wanted to believe in the best possible outcome -just as he always did. That was how he made it through the darkness. It was that unshakable belief that said, "It will all work out in the end" that managed to keep Alfred mostly sane through all the war, conflict and strife. His people were like that to. 'Fake it till you make it', and just like old Hank Williams used to sing 'Everything's okay".

Alfred wanted to will that into reality. Breath truth into the words he spoke to his twin.

"It's gonna be ok Mattie, I promise it's gonna be ok. Can you smile for me? Please Matt. Remember when we were little and you always had a smile for me?" he said, sitting next to his twin and holding Matthew right to his chest. He was not going to cry… He couldn't, not now.

He had to get it together before going down to tell his parents what was left of Matt. He always hated being the one to give bad news.

England had not responded well, immediately rushing up the stairs to se for himself. Arthur almost wept at the sight of his boy laying there with glassy eyes. He did all he knew to do, sitting next to his son and patting Mathew's hand speaking softly trying anything to get his boy to look at him. It wasn't until Mathew started to drool than France pulled his lover away before the man lost himself to sobs. Saying they had to leave now and not, another moment could pass.

Your Gosse was well and truly cooked if France is the voice of reason. Was the first thing that echoed in Alfred’s head as he watched his parents gather up their things to go?

* * *

 

They were soon on their way, hoping against hope the ancient nation could help them.

Prussia sat in the back of America's vehicle with Canada's head in his lap; England and France were borrowing Ukraine truck, as the woman was worried that France's rental car would not fare well on the ice-laden roads. The flurry of snow picked up heading out to the rural pass they would use to get where they needed to go. She fretted and insisted that they take the old farm truck with its heavy frame and snow tiers. It wasn't as if they could say no to that.

Even China's directions seemed odd to everyone but Arthur, who explained it was a magical gate.

"Great more hocus pocus crap." Alfred had complained.

"It's the fastest way without alerting any of our human leaders." the Englishman said taking the lead. Cranking up the old farm truck took a little finessing and France complained about the lack of suspension as the vehicle rattled to life.

* * *

 

Francis did not say a word for the first few miles, just sat there in the passenger seat as the old truck bounced and rocked over the terrain. The main roads changed to those of gravel and dirt, plagued with disrepair. He thought it best to simply let things be, Arthur looked like he was running on fumes as it was.

Reaching over blindly he took the Englishman's hand in his own and just held it in silence. He felt Arthur squeeze his hand in return. Looking over France saw those otherworldly emerald eyes shine with unshed tears. He lifted Arthur's hand to his lips and kissed it, sliding over on the bench seat.

"Mathieu will be well again soon.‘e is strong, just like you." He said softly as he turned up the heat in the cab.

Arthur swallowed down his tears, "How do you know. You see how bloody Russia is, what if Mathew turns out like that. What if we have to watch him and worry he won't bash in someone's skull one day? What would his leaders do with him? I meet his boss; she's a lovely woman - not a cruel bone in her body. How could she let him run wild knowing he could become a danger?"

Arthur realized what they would do; he'd seen it done to others through history. When times were dark and they just couldn't cope, some personification lost touch. their leaders, fearful of what harm a near immortal may cause, would lock them away.

It happened to him for a short time during the dark ages. It had happened to France after the plague ... so many of them had those moments when the world around them became to much. Even if it usually took place in secrete, being spirited away for a few years to 'get their act together'.

He couldn't let them do that to Canada. Even if his confinement would be kinder than a drafty old castle on the moor. Alternatively, a dungeon under Paris.

"We will protect 'im mon ange, you and I will care for Mathieu if we must. As you say, 'e's leader is reasonable."

England let out a dry laugh and pulled his hand free to grip the wheel. "You say that like you're really going to stick around this time."

France felt the edge in those words. Truthfully, he always had run away when Arthur would become too disagreeable, he would feign obligations and then...well then he would fall into bed with some little thing and mess everything up.

He was afraid because he was a screw up; he knew that Arthur was different - important to him in ways no one had ever been. They shared something he could never share with anyone else. He was so fearful of what that meant so he self-sabotaged every time they would try. This time though he had to do better. It was just about Mathew this time, if he was only doing it for Mathew he would have done it when his sons were children.

He would have put in more effort and been a better father. It was not even that he was doing it for Arthur because he knew that the man could get along just fine without him. No, this time he was staying because he wanted this. He needed this, he needed to change because he had seen too much and done worse still. All through those horrible instances and gloomy thoughts he was alone, alone and imperfect. Knowing that he did this to himself.

There wasn't a feeling he had with any of his bedmates, which could compare to those compact rough hands running over his back or warm lips pressing to his temple. The fragrance of garden soil and tea.

There was no wine as sweet as seeing his children grow and become wonderful independent young men. Men he was so proud of. Children Arthur had given him.

There was time he could not get back that was true, but there was time still to have. Francis was going to stay because he needed it, the pain, and the hardship, all of it. Because there was more after. More joy and more love...more of this stubborn beautiful man next to him.

"Because I am. I am 'ere with you and I will remain by your side until I draw my last breath. Even then mon ange... I will not stray far, to be in the air and the sunshine." He said carding his fingers through Arthur's hair. "I 'ave run for too long, I need to come 'ome and you are my 'ome."

* * *

 

'How's he doin back there?" America turned down the radio just enough to ask.

Gilbert looked down at the now sleeping and seemingly fragile form in his arms. "Resting. For the best. How much farther is it to this vierd magical thing?"

"you got me dude. All that crap is jibber jabber to me. I'm just following the convoy." Alfred said as he stared ahead at the snowy landscape. The road was slowly giving way from blacktop to gravel. He suspected it would become nothing more than carved dirty paths if they went farther.

Truth be told, he would have gone to hell and back if it meant saving his brother.

* * *

 

“We’re here.” England put the rusty old truck in park as the road before them finally dissipated into nothing but a narrow walking path leading into the woods.

“Are you sure? I do not see anything out there.” Francis pulled his coat tighter around himself as he got out. Slamming the door behind him and shivering as he breathed in the frosty air and exhaled a puff of steam.

“I don’t have to see it. I feel it.” Arthur had been ‘feeling’ the gateway for the last several kilometers. A slight humming that started in his finger tips that slowly radiated to his core. There was magic in the air, old and powerful magic.

“Hey! What’s the hold up?” Alfred shouted as he taped the horn. “Are ya stuck?”

“Shut up wanker! We’re here!” England shouted back.

Somewhere in the distance, a solitary howl set everyone on edge. “Per’aps we should lower our voices, oui?” Frances added as he trod back toward Americas car to help Prussia with Mathew.

 

It would be slow going yet and Arthur knew it. The would have to talk at least a mile more, maybe two through the heavy snow. “Bloody Yao…” he muttered under his breath as he cast a glance back toward his son‘s vehicle. Alfred had over ruled the two elder nations in carrying his brother. It was just as well, between all of them Alfred was probably the only one with the strength and stamina to carry Matthew that far.

Francis fussed over both of the boys making sure scarves and hats were in place and that the blanket wrapped around Matthew wasn‘t leaving to much skin exposed. Prussia meanwhile stood off to the side, his garnet eyes boring a hole into the winery landscape. It was no secret that the German hated the cold.

“Alright let’s get this show on the road before this shit turns into the doner party.” Alfred quipped trudging down the path.

“You don’t even know where you‘re going idiot!” England shouted as he struggled to catch up to his son‘s long strides.

Alfred rolled his eyes. “I‘m gifted with a natural sense of direction!”

* * *

 

**40 minuets later**

Alfred was now bringing up the rear, as Arthur had to get everyone back on track having spent the better part of the last half hour walking in the wrong direction. The entire time the Englishmen was cursing under his breath.

Finally, they seemed to be getting closer, he could feel the vibrations in the ground racing through his blood and bones. “Just a little farther.” he assured the freezing group.

Another half-hour of walking found them standing in a clearing, the only landmark was a tall ominous looking tree covered in snaking thorns.

“Were here.”

“Vhere is here? All I see is a damn tree!” Prussia snorted; he was tempted to kick the stupid thing if his didn‘t think the deadly looking thorns wouldn‘t pierce his boots.

Arthur rolled his eyes. “It’s because you‘re not looking.” He said, walking up to the tree the mage country held out his hands and began chanting.

No one in this group would ever make fun of England’s magic again after seeing this.

The tree began to glow and the long throne tendrils dances like serpents as they uncoiled from around the black bark trunk. The vines began to reform into intricate arches shaped like dragons. At the core of the wooden tunnel was a door.

“creepy…” Alfred whispered before receiving a swat to the back of the head from France.

“It may be, but that door is our only ‘ope.”

 

 


	27. Whisper

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: I hope this long chapter makes up for the absence.

Magic is not always some loud violent thing. Especially not old magic. Moving through the gateway was more of a whisper than a roar. Like sliding through water or a fog so thick, you cannot see the other side. Yet once the dog lifts you can easily forget it was ever there.  
  
Soft sounds of chimes and bubbling water greet them as they step through the portal. The air has become fragrant with spices and incense as the world of ice falls away as if a dream. Gone is the snowy landscape and frigid temperatures, gone the dusky sky with its promise of more snow and ice.  
  
Now the group is surrounded by warmth and calm. Dark wood floors gleam from a recent polishing, the walls covered in a deep crimson, and gold that shines almost like silk. Perhaps it is.  
  
They follow the sound and find the ancient nation seated before a low table pouring tea over a clay teapot. The cups beside, already awaiting the number of guests.  
  
Arthur gives a nod and a warning glare fro the others to sit and not say a word; he knows how fickle Yao can be and now is not the time to antagonize the elder nation.  
  
They make a move to enter and a young woman in a pink and white dress appears, her quiet smile and respectful bow brings a smile and sense of ease as she takes their coats. Alfred passes his Brother off to Prussia while removing his own coat. Gilbert whispers lowly into Mathew's ear that they are were they need to be, that everything will be okay soon. He promises in hushed tones and punctuates the promise with a kiss to the young mans temple.  
  
If anyone notices the intimate exchange, they say nothing about it.  
  
China meanwhile takes a small glass jar and a wooden spoon in hand, filling a clay teapot with the loose tea. He has still not acknowledged the group, taking a steaming kettle from another young woman dressed in green. Her eyes are less kind than the other and more calculating. A subtle star passes between her and Alfred, the younger man dose not break her gaze yet has an uncomfortable stiffness in his posture.  
  
Yao takes the kettle and raises it high as he pours the hot water into the smaller clay pot. "You must use purest cleanest water to ensure not only perfect tasting tea, but also as tribute of respect and admiration to Mother Nature." He says conversationally, though something more lingers in his words as the group takes a seat at the low table.  
  
"Water is calmness, clarity and purity in body, speech and mind. Your western science says water everywhere, says water is 60 percent of body." The hot water sits in the bot for barely a few seconds before the first pour is emptied into the cups and the cups then poured out over the teapot. "Water...everywhere, Water is limitless, effortless, like time. Time like water not always pure aru." The nation's dark eyes rose and shifted over to the unconscious Canada in Prussia lap. "Time can taint us."  
  
Yao tilts the wet teapot and studies the glistening clay that has darkened with age. "The tea poured over the pot strengthens the clay, over time it darkens and shines. However, if tea is made incorrectly. If the water is filthy and leaves rotten, the pot will be damaged."  
  
A sound pour from the kettle into the clay pot brews the tea, the scent of the oolong drifts through the room as the cups are filled a second time to be served.  
  
As the group takes the offered cups, Arthur cannot help but ask, "Can you help him?"  
  
"If he wishes to be helped. Sometimes the dark is too deep, like infection."  
  
"I don't get it, tea...time...of course my brother wants help!"  
  
"Alfred shut your mouth!"  
  
"Ai...stupid America," Yao rolled his eyes, "You no listen, you only hear what you want. You are spoiled, you had many there to pick you up from your darkness and it did not have time to brew. Him..." China gestured, "You want no why he like this, look into your cup and find the answer."  
  
Alfred looked down into the small jade cup and saw a reflection of himself.  
  
"We live for our lands, for our people." Yao continued. "This does not mean we do not die. My people believe that when you die you are reborn. As nations when we die, we do not die; we do not find a place of peace only the in-between. In that place where man is judge, we rise again. Sometimes, darkness rise with us. Sometimes, the second life grows from that darkness. The second life has been denied and so it is filled with rage and anger."  
  
France pondered the words, "Then why 'ave we all not 'ad this 'appen?"  
  
Yoa tiled his eyes and turned the cup in his palm. "Some can leave the second self behind. Some cannot. There are many reasons, none the same."  
  
"The how do you help him?" Prussia asked, his voice surprising everyone with its serious tone. For a man usually so brass he was not reserved. "If there all different, how do you know was helped Russia vill help Mathew?"  
  
China set down his cup and garnet eyes met brown, "I will have to speak with the other life, the second Canada. I need to know how strong he is, to know what pain and rage gave him life...so I can kill him."  
  
The table went silent for a beat until Francis let out a breath, "If you cant, if you can't destroy this second Mathieu?"  
  
"Then..." Yao turned his hand ideally, "Then I see if he can be suppressed, like Russia. If not. Then you have choice to make."  
  
"What kinda choice..." America asked.  
  
"Which of you will lock him away?"  
  


* * *

  
  
China led them to a room in the back of his home and instructed Prussia to lay Canada on a long wooden table.  
  
"This will take some time." The older nation clapped his hands and one of the young women reentered the room. "Take our guests and show them their rooms."  
  
"Vhat? Nien, I vill not leave Birdie!"  
  
"Ya dude! That's my bro, I ain't going anywhere!"  
  
Arthur nearly hissed grabbing Alfred's ear, "you will let Yao work and not make a fool of yourself."  
  
Francis intervened with his friend trying to convince Gilbert it would be better for everyone if they let Mathew be tended to. They had all been through enough right now and the focus needed to be on Mathew.  
  
Alfred protested the loudest. "No way! You don't know what he's gonna do! I have seen things man! I don't want Mattie but in like some weird...shark balls and tiger dick bath!"  
  
Yao rolled his eye, hands tucked in his sleeves, "Stupid westerners. Do you want him saved or not aru? You ask for my help then act like uncivilized pig in my home?"  
  
"Yao he's a boy." Arthur slapped the back of his sons head, "An idiot one at that, we do appreciate this. I appreciate this, so please just help my son."  
  
America rubbed at the back of his head and he grudgingly took a step back, leaning against the wall. It seemed Prussia, while reluctant was more willing to believe that this was the right thing to do. He knew China, out of all the countries, would be able to help Mathew.  
  
"Two stay, that is all and you will keep quite."  
  
"Alright me!" Alfred shot his hand up like a schoolboy.  
  
"Absolutely not, he said quiet you git!"  
  
"Angelterre, you and Gilbert stay. I will take Alfred with me." Francis said gently taking his son by the arm, quieting the boy with a stern look that was uncommon between them.  
  
The enter time the elder nation eyed the group, a small smile on his lips at the interactions. He would have to point that out perhaps before they left. For now, though Yoa simply inclined his head at the young woman standing in the doorway.  
  
"Please follow me Mr. France, Mr. America."  
  
Once the pair disappeared into the darkened hall, Yao looked to his remaining guests. "We start now."

* * *

  
  
The room darkens and filled with the scent of incenses and the glow of lanterns. The two European nations sat on a far wall and watched as several young women and a young man entered the room, The girls began to strip the unconscious Canadian, which prompted an indignant Prussia to nearly leave his seat.  
  
"Calm yourself Prussia." Yao held out a hand, "I am not interested in your little white boy's bird chest. I need access to his skin to work."  
  
China unrolled a leather satchel of long needles. Pulling one out, he eyes the point in the low light. "You know, my people have believed in yin and yang for thousands of years, what is happening here is good example of that." he said placing one of the long needles into the young nations flesh.  
  
England flinched watching, he had never been a fan of China's acupuncture. While not afraid of the needles, themselves...more so the visual of seeing a man turned into a breathing pin cushion.  
  
"Vhat dose your fancy circle crap have to vith this." Prussia snorted, got he wanted a beer right now, and to throw Mathew over his shoulder and take him to a proper German doctor.  
  
China looked unphased by the albino's irritation, "Everything in universe can be divided into. Just as the light of the sun, facing a mountain is yang and the dark hidden side is yin. There is good and there is bad, the second life has absorbed all of that bad and become yin. Like water and fire, one still and cool...the other burning rage." More needles littered the young nation's skin as the ancient moved around the table like a delicate dance. "My people believe that the body to has yin and yang. To bring out the 2nd life I must weaken the 1st"  
  
"That seems like the exact opposite of what we want to do Yao." Arthur said, his hand grasping the knees of his trousers.  
  
"I will interrupt the flow of chi in his meridians. Trust me I have done this before." Yao reply twirling a needle between his fingers before placing it at last.  
  
The reaction was immediate.  
  
Canada's eyes snapped open, though they were not the usually blissful indigo color, these eyes were a glowing hue of violet. The young nations hand shot up and snatched China by the throat.  
  
Both England and Prussia left there seats only to be told to stay were they were by the ancient.  
  
Despite the iron grip on his larynx, China did not look worried, maybe that is because he knew he was in control. In one swift movement, another long needle saw strategically placed causing Canada's arms to fall away.  
  
"What the fuck!" The young man growled  
  
China stepped away and rubbed his neck, his slim throat already blooming with bruises. "Ni Hao, ghost. You confused because I know monsters like you. You not threat to me." Yao crossed his arms and looked down his nose as the immobilized country, "Tell me ghost, what is your name?"  
  
The second life grinned, "Ghost? That's cute really. I'm very much alive, and you're lucky I can't get up...or you wouldn't be. As for who I am, I AM TIERD OF HEARING THAT SHIT!"  
  
"Oh...Mathew..." England muttered watching as the young mans face turned red as she shouted.  
  
It was then the 'other' looked over at the Englishmen, "Well well, if it isn't the Nazi and Mum. How sweet, maybe Arthur could have helped you cook the Jews; he's great and burning things. Where do you think I learned it? Most parents tell there kids not to play with matches, you told me to burn down my brother's capitol."  
  
"Shut up! You are not Mathew!" Gilbert clenched his fists; his birdie would never say things like that or bring up his past like that. Not when he knew how Gilbert felt about those days.  
  
"Its fine" England said as he stared at the floor, "Was that when it started? The fire?" Part of the Englishmen's stomach dropped wondering if there had been an accident during the war, he did not recall Matthew ever being injured but ...his mind had been on other things. It was possible that he hadn't known.  
  
Meanwhile, Yao eyes the still prone nation. He knows Canada's second life must be strong because the spirit can still twitch and struggle despite the force of yin being interrupted. No, this spirit is much older than they realize.  
  
The not-Canada laughed. "Oh no Arthur, I was here long before that. This little sad sack and I have been real close for a long long time. Why don't you ask Papa, cause for once it wasn't your A-plus parenting that ruined one of your kids, shocking right? I really should thank him when I take over this meat suit."  
  
England glared; Francis hadn't told him anything about something ever happening to Mathew when the Frenchman had soul care of their quiet twin.  
  
"Enough," Yao spun another needle between his fingers, "This is not your body, you will not take it."  
  
"Says you chinky. " The other struggled and somehow managed to sit up jerking several of the needles from his torso. A violent aura of red swirling up from the not-Canada's back "The way I see it, it's time all of you remember my name."  
  
Yao threw the needles only to have them batted away as a hokey stick wrapped in barbwire began to materialize out of thin air. The fact he could stand at all was amazing, let alone has such power.  
  
"China..."  
  
"Calm yourself England..." Yao looked to the door; he always had precautions in mind. The singled glance signaled a flying dart that sailed from between the barely parted curtain. The little feathered projectile hitting home in the back of the Canadians neck. Moments later a smug looking Vietnam stepped through smoothing down her dress.  
  
The other turned and glared at the woman before stumbling, his hockey stick fading away like an illusion. "Bitch..." He muttered dropping to the floor.  
  
Prussia looked like he was about to pull out his hair, "vhat the hell vas that!"  
  
"That..."China commented nudging the downed nation with his foot "was the 2nd life, Canada's hungry ghost... it wants his life and it wants to be known. As for where it came, I suggest you talk to France. He may know something, weather it was something he noticed or not..." Yao shrugged "The unlife is powerful; it has had a long time to draw from Canada."  
  
"Bloody frog...I should have known better than to trust him..."  
  
"..England..." Gilbert hovered nearby not wanting to interrupt the now seething European. His attention was torn between where China's colonies were lifting Mathew up from the floor -back onto the table and keeping the brit from popping a blood vessel.  
  
"Go" Yao, gestured, "I will have Hong Kong help me deposit Canada into a guest room. I will also place a ten hum amulet around his neck; it will keep the other at bay while Canada regains his strength."

* * *

  
  
"Where the bloody hell are you! Wine swilling bastard!" England shouted as he tore down the hall with Prussia swiftly after him.  
  
"Now just vait!"  
  
"Shut your gob kraut this has nothing to do with you! FRANCIS!"  
  
The Frenchmen in question dashed down the stairs at the shouting of his name, it was clear by the look on his face that he feared the worst. "Arthur w'at.." His words cut short by a fist striking him square in the face. France went down at the foot of the steps clutching his gushing nose.  
  
By now, the ruckus had drawn Alfred out and the America was charging in " What the hell!"  
  
"WHAT DID YOU DO FRANCIS!" Arthur raged already haling the older blond up by his collar. "YOU TELL ME RIGHT NOW OR I SWEAR BY THE CROWN I WILL KILL YOU!"  
  
"Vous dire ce que! (Tell you what!) Francis moaned from behind his hand, shielding his surely broken nose. All the while blood drenching the front of his shirt from the flow.  
  
"OUR SON! WHAT HAPPENED TO MATHEW THAT YOU DIDN'T TELL ME YOU TOSSER?"  
  
France suddenly looked pale and not from the massive amounts of blood from his busted face. It was the realization that his greatest secret had come home. The fear he had lived with for so long and guilt that- while diminished over the centuries , still bloomed in his heart from time to time. The fear that gripped him with the clutches of a cruel memory the day that Arthur called him out to the cabin. "Arthur...I ..."  
  
"YOU WHAT!" England pressed, shaking the Frenchman.  
  
Alfred had been ready to intervene but Gilbert motioned him away. Whatever this was and how ever bad it was they needed to know.  
  
"'e didn't even remember...I did not want to worry you. I was sure 'e was fine. I.... Was so sure."  
  
Arthur let go and Francis stumbled back against the stair rail. "He wasn't fine; Yao told me how this happens. How this thing inside him was made! I put that child in your arms and you swore on your life to protect him. You swore to me that no matter what was it was or wasn't between us you would always look out for him. he died Francis. He died and you didn't even TELL ME!"  
  
This time Prussia did jump forward and wrap his arms around the shrieking Englishman's chest. Arthur was kicking at the downed France and shouting obscenities in something that did not even sound like English anymore. All the while Alfred stood motionless letting the words tumble over in his mind.  
  
"Mattie. What." Alfred looked to his French father who had crawled out of striking range and sat with his head in his hands.  
  
Francis looked up with eyes red rimmed and haunted. "I was only gone for a short meeting. He was with Samuel ...he only looked away for a moment "

* * *

  
All it takes is a moment...one moment for a child so small to wander out of sight. One moment and it took them hours to find him lying by the river in the shallow water. Soaked to the nine with lips pale blue.  
  
They swore he was breathing when they found him but Francis always had that fear. What if they were wrong?  
  
It had taken weeks for the little boy to recover and Mathew didn't remember a thing about what had happened. Nor did the child show any fear of the water. If anything, his son seemed to enjoy the rivers and lakes even more.

* * *

  
France made all of these excuses and pleaded with England to understand. Begged the man to just understand....  
  
" I was afraid of you knew you would keep 'im from me."  
  
Arthur didn't say anything. He just walked away.  
  
This is why things never worked between them. When the right hand does not know what the left is doing.... Isn't that what one of America's leaders talked about?  
  
Yao stoped him with a light touch on the shoulder. "Arthur...Your not can be helped, the second life is strong and they will have to 'suppress' it as I did with Russia.  We.."  
  
"We shouldn't have this problem...we wouldn't if that frog had come to me in the.beginning."  
  
"And what would you have done?"  
  
England really didn't now. Alfred had always been a healthy child and even in all his recklessness and early wars, he survived. Arthur had been able to explain to him about the lives of nations. To prepare him for what could and would happen. He couldn't stop thinking how afraid Mathew must have been.  
  
" I wouldn't have let him out of my sight!"  
  
Yao rolled his eyes. "Easy to say. How often did your little American get away from you? Children are like cunning little mice. This happened there are no words to undo it to remake it. You must only look ahead."

* * *

  
  
The amulet was called a Ten Hum, A protections wheel against hungry ghost. China explained that his people believed in spirits called yidag. The demons were often portrayed as having a tiny throat and huge stomach, and so their hunger can never be satisfied.  
  
“Until Mathew can over come his demon on his own, he will need to wear it to protect others.” China explains. “Mathew needs to put away the guilt and anger he carries and ‘leave behind the part of him that feeds this unfulfilled sprit.”  
  
The disjointed little family agreed.  
  
It was not hard to sense the tension as they all prepared to leave the next morning. It was amazing that Arthur had even allowed Francis to share a room with him the night before and things still appeared tense as they climbed into the horse drawn wagon that would take them from the gate out to were there vehicles where left just off the path.  
  
China waits until the family has gone ahead, when he pulls Prussia aside.  
  
“Waite, Prussia…there is something I need to tell you.”  
  
The East German narrowed his eyes and shrugged away the hand on his shoulder. He never gotten along well with China and seemed to find the older nation to noisy in large doses. However, Yao had helped Mathew. “Vhat do you vant?”  
  
“I see the darkness around you shoulders, aru. If you are not careful, your second life will be nothing but a demon of death.” Yao poked his chest just above his heart. “You think too much to what you have lost. Leave the past behind and look to what’s been given to you.”  
  
Gilbert wanted to pull his shoulders back and glower, yet he could not. The old nation had a point; he had spent the last forty plus years anguishing in a bottle. He couldn’t do that anymore because he needed to be more for Mathew. More for West, more for himself. “Ja…dank China.”


	28. Carry You Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok so...it has been like forever, but here ya go! I swear I am going to finish this!

When they arrived home,  England sat down and explained the amulet and everything China had aforementioned. Mathew had to acknowledge it sounded bizarre but considering everything he had already been through, he was more than happy to take it at face value and if he had to wear the amulet for the rest of his life then so be it.   
  
Arthur had been kindly in his explanation and took a moment to let him know how proud he was of him, that he loved him and for the first time in a long time, the Englishmen did not complain when Mathew threw his arms around him and returned the sentiment. They sat that way in comfortable silence, Arthur rubbing his boys back and speaking softly. “You are so strong my boy, so strong and I am so very proud of you.”   
  
Unfortunately, not everything had been so marvelous. France sobbed and begged for forgiveness for not being a better father. It was hard to see but frankly, Mathew didn't blame him. Accidents happen and no one is perfect. Mathew only asked one thing, and that was for his parents to please try to listen to each other. If they wanted to help him, then they needed to figure out how to be happy, whether that was together or separately. In his heart of hearts Mathew wanted what any child wanted – a family that loved each other. Nonetheless, he wasn't a child anymore and he knew better than to believe that everything could be resolved with soft words and saccharine promises. Some people just loved too fiercely. It was like pouring gasoline on a fire, yes it burned hot and bright – but it was fatal and consumed everything around it.   
  
Arthur and Francis were like that, there was so much between them but it seemed like neither one of them was prepared to bend and put the fucking claws away during an argument.   
  
They promised him they would figure things out for the last time. That all he needed to was get healthy and know that they would both always be there for him and Alfred, no matter what that meant for the state of affairs between them.  
  
For now Mathew just had his stubborn twin to deal with.  
   
"Alfred, really I'm ok." Mathew smiles and tries not to let on just how exhausted he is. Truth be told, he feels like he could sink into the bed and just melt among his soft flannel sheets.  
  
He hasn't felt this tired in years, at least not all physically. In a curious sort of way, it feels great. Like all the tension that's been building, finally drained away and now his limbs are lose and empty. The good kind of spent lets you know you just put in a days work. It’s a comfort knowing that it’s over, that he can rest a little easier now. It's the kind of fatigue that born of war, and this has been a war. To say other wise would be a foolish endeavor at normalizing a completely alien situation. Matthew stood toe-to-to with the enemy, it didn't matter if the enemy was himself.   
  
Part of him hopes that this is a sign toward reclaiming his soul from the darkness that has surrounded his mind for so long. At the very least, the ability to coexist with that darkness. Canada doesn't want to be swept away by that monstrous undertow ever again. He knows if it happens, again he may never get free.  What that could mean for those around him? For his country? The world? Even thinking of it drew a chill up his spine. No, he can't slip that far again.  
  
The most terrifying part of all of this is that he knows that this has always been a part of him, so in a way, getting rid of it would seem like losing an appendage or a loved one. Maybe the truth of it is we all have that kind of shadow inside of us. Potential to be something horrifying if we allow those base instincts to overtake us. The trick is learning from that evil Figuring out it is what separates us from being a monster or being a man.  
  
The choice to follow that path of revenge and destruction or leave it behind.  
  
Mathew also wishes Alfred wasn't so keen on henning over him. All this care and attention from his brother was appreciated, it's just that Alfred never knew when to give up.  
  
America wasn't taking no for an answer, fluffing the pillow just one more time. Because God forbid that, it not is cloud perfection fluffy. "Yeah well until the parental get their heads out of their asses I am your super manly and heroic nurse. Not to mention, and freakishly enough, the only sane one in this joint. "  
  
Wasn't that awful, Alfred ...the same one. Somewhere there as a section of hell quietly freezing and Satan was in drag signing Let it go.   
  
"I don't need a nurse Al." he toned begrudgingly.   
  
"Well I'm not going to play Dr. feel good, I'm pretty sure Gil called dibs and that was gross beyond measure. Dude, I'm so serious do not let him take pictures and tweet them. I will be ruined for life." Alfred shivered and pulled a disgusted face that made his brother laugh.  
  
It was nice to hear Mathew laughing again and he hoped he'd hear it more. Alfred missed the discussions they used to have, the random conversations and silly arguments, all the way to the more serious ones that Alfred could have never shared with anyone else in his life. They were more than just brothers, twins shared a unique bond. Born in each other’s arms – there wasn't another person in the universe who would ever be what Matthew is to him.  Maybe one day he'll be able to tell him that.  
  
"Where is he anyway?  I can't believe I slept through a 14 hour flight and the changes." Mathew said laying back into his pillows. It was good to be home. It was also good to finally have an answer for what was going.  
  
Alfred sat on the side of the bed looking over to the open door that led to the stair well. "He's talking with Ivan, oh and don't worry. I told the big guy to be nice or he gets no nookies."

* * *

  
Yao's words kept turning over in the East Germans  head.  
  
'Ghost of death' Part of Gilbert always knew it was just a matter of time. No one could understand why he was still alive and hadn't aged a day since his nation was dissolved.  In the pitch-black part of his heart, Prussia had even wished for the release of death.  To just find an end and be done with this waiting around. His worst fear was that he'd become human and age. He had watched leaders fade away to disease and the ravages of time.  
  
He would rather kill himself than rot away.   
  
It wasn't that he felt he was above it all, it was that he lived the life of a warrior and there couldn't have been anything more hellish than to slowly lose his strength and dexterity. Having to sit back and watch those around him carry on so carefree. To be forced to accept help from his brother in his most basic of needs. Gilbert would never have asked that of his brother. In those quiet and pathetic moments he wondered why he bothered. Why continue on when everything he once was...was gone.   
  
There was nothing worthwhile anymore.  
  
That wasn't the case now. He thought of Mathew, Ludwig, and all the people who meant something to him and imagined them alone. This wasn't a thought born from arrogance as some would think- more from understanding.  
  
Prussia knew what loss felt like, the agony of having something so important ripped right out of you. He didn't want to be responsible for causing anyone that kind of pain or even a fraction of that pain. It seemed monstrous to harm the ones you love. More so than the countless sins he was no doubt guilty of in the end. That was the trick about perception though wasn't it. The “We over Them” mentality that seemed to fuel countless battles throughout history. How many of these crusades had Gilbert so willing stood under the banner of? How many had he led young men out into fields and city streets to die for?   
  
He had to keep going and to do that he had to let the past go. If he didn't, it would swallow him whole.   
  
Gilbert glanced over at where Ivan stood, the Russia nursed a bottle of vodka while leaning against the porch rails. Violet eyes taking in the scenery around them, Gilbert used to hate those eyes. Hated the far away amethyst glaze they sometimes held while looking down on the horrors their owner inflicted. Detested the childish glimmer they shone as if  something so innocent lay in their depths.   
  
He loathed those eyes, until he saw such a similar desire swimming in his soft-spoken Canadian's indigo pools.   
  
"Vhen did you get it? The thing Canada has?" it seemed too personal but really this was the only way he could hope to understand Russia. He had to find some reason for the man's behavior in order to hate him less. Because that hate was like a wall, no it wasn't like a wall it was one. Even though the real brick and mortar had collapsed long ago, that wall had never really fallen for Prussia.  It never would, not unless he tore it down himself.  
  
Ivan didn't answer him for a long time and then, as if given permission by some unseen force – he spoke. "My leaders wanted one of us. Having one being like us meant power and strength. There was…Old man; mystic told them a boy child was to be born for their lands. To be sure they had this child, for years they took boys from the breast of their mothers and offered them to General Winter. The child who lived would be the one. So, my monster he was always with me."  
  
Prussia shivered thinking of countless newborns freezing to death. Humans could be so cruel in the struggle for power.  
  
They stood soundlessly watching the light of evening set the sky on fire.  
  
Ivan broke the silence. "I do not blame anyone for way I am. Things I have done for country, for anger and greed. It was my hands covered in blood." violet eyes narrowed and glanced to the side. The Russians usual carefree smile now replaced by a blank expression. "  what I did to you. I did to you because I have made peace with my monster. You were, to the monster - my property. I treated you as such."  
  
Gilbert snorted. "You enjoyed it. The least you could do is ask for forgiveness."  
  
"Have you? Asked for forgiveness? " Ivan redirected.  
  
"For vhat! For the var? That vas not my var."  
  
Russia shook his head. "You say that. Yet when I brought you to my home, all you did was antagonize me -looking for punishment. Every turn you laughed and press myself and Belarus to limits, knowing what would happen. You went looking for pain. This to me....looks like man wanting absolution."  
  
Gilbert snorted and shook his head. He wanted to deny it- but he couldn't. Truth was -Russia was right. He went into that house not expecting to walk out of it. He expected to be tortured and killed out right. To die like a warrior, maybe that was some left over idealism from his past, or maybe just cowardice. Prussia had spent those years walking a razors edge with the wintry nation. It became almost like a game, just seeing how far he could push Ivan. What would it take to get the big man to finally snap.  
  
The pain in the beatings became secondary to the thrill of it.   
  
Belarus, was a creature altogether different from her brother. She was colder, something about her didn't read the same innocence masking darkness. She wore darkness on the outside – covered it in lace and linen, trimmed it with bows and carefully cultivated every glare. Her malice was as well maintained as the collection of knives the girl so loved to sharpen in plain sight.    
  
Maybe that's what made him push her a little more. Maybe that's what made him want to break her a little more. She tended to show her emotions in blasts of rage that you could see simmering beneath the surface, rather than childish banter and unpredictable attacks.  
  
Gilbert always saw her as a  border guard of sorts. Always keeping a constant barrage of insults and sharp glances to kept him just at arms length away from her precious brother.   
  
Nevertheless, Gilbert learned, he learned that even she had something beneath the face she showed the world. Something blacker filled with pain and in a way, none of his annoyance could ever touch that. They were the same- they both courted death because they didn't know how to live without it.  
  
He wanted to snap back and tell the Russian to be quiet. To tell the big man to shut his trap and beg for forgiveness for the atrocity he suffered as a prisoner of war. Gilbert wanted more than anything to puff out his chest and put on that mask again.  
  
'ghost of death'  
  
Prussia shivered and sipped his beer. Letting the cool bitter hops wash away the memories of bloody beatings and uncomfortable silence. More, he wanted to wash away the times he didn't hate. When he was given a task to button up a uniform again, the one thing he could never even tell his brother about. That filthy secret they kept between them, because Ivan could see what he was – a solider waiting for orders. He'd do a lot worse, he'd do the wet work  as long as there was work.   
  
Finally, he just couldn’t take it anymore. It made him sick to admit it, but in his heart of hearts he knew Ivan was onto him again, reading him like an open book.” It vasnt about absolution. It vas...execution"  
  
Russia was silent looking out on the darkening forest. The shining eyes of little creatures just begin to show in the distance.  Each set of flickering orbs creating an audience to this strangely intimate conversation.  " nyet that is absolution for you.”  
  
Gilbert's hands gripped the banister hard enough to make the wood creak under the pressure. “I never vanted any of that, all I vanted to do vas to protect mien bruder. You have to understand that.”  
  
“You did, and we had to protect world from him.”

* * *

  
The two retreated indoor from the encroaching darkness. Now seated in the large living room watching Alfred stoke the fire.   
  
“Hey babe, I'm beat I'm heading to bed.” the American commented over his shoulder brushing soot from his hands on the legs of his jeans.   
  
Ivan hummed in response, “Sleep well Fredka, I will be up shortly.”  
  
“Yeah ok. I may try calling Iggy one more time. Just to make sure he hasn't killed Francis.”  
  
“If he vas going to he vould have done it out here where it's easier to hide a body,” Gilbert spoke gesturing to the view of the wilderness outside. “Still don't see vhy they insisted on going to a motel.”  
  
Alfred knew why. His parents had a lot to work out and Arthur wasn't the type that liked an audience when airing his dirty laundry. “Ya got me dude. The French fry probably just wanted one of those cringy coin operated beds with the magic fingers. Anyway, I'm outtie so you two play nice or Imma kick both your asses.”  
  
Watching the younger man retreat, nether man spoke until they heard the click of the closed bedroom door.   
  
“Would you like drink?” Ivan said gesturing to the vodka bottles on the bar.   
  
Gilbert felt his hands itch, yeah he did, he wanted to get blitzed and not remember this conversation. “Nien..I think I have had enough.”   
  
This seemed to surprise the other nation, “Prussia, I am not sorry for your losing the war.” Ivan began gently as he opened one of the bottled and poured two shots anyway. “I am not sorry for judgments passed as punishment, but I will say this. I love my people even when I have not loved my leaders, my people are proud, strong and I will always feel for their pain and joy. If I could no longer feel this it would crush what is left of my heart. For your people, for your heart... I am sorry.”  
  
Prussia clinked their glasses together and took the drink. “I still don't like you, but..danke.”  
  
Russia smiled his familiar childish grin in return, “Da, you still makes me sick too. Sleep well!”   
  
  
  



	29. I'll be good

Gilbert hadn’t drunk in a month, did it suck? Absolutely. At first, everyone thought something was frightfully wrong when the East German turned down his beloved beer. His little brother had damn near called for an intervention until Gilbert explained himself.   
  
He had to go all in with this, no ‘I’ll cut back’ because that would only lead to self-serving excuses for his behavior in the long run all those ‘only on the weekends’ or ‘ just this once’.  Maybe one day he’d feel overconfident enough to sit down and have a drink with out feeling like it was just a blanket for all the things he didn’t want to think of, but right now that wasn’t the case and it hadn’t been for a while.   
  
Prussia made it clear that he wasn’t going to lose this battle; he had too much on the line this time around.   
  
He had to be a better man. 

* * *

  
 For Mathew, everyday got a little easier. It helped being surrounded by people who care so much for him- to feel seen.    
  
Then there was Gilbert too. They helped each other and the first time he had something so deep with another person. There is something to be said about having someone who is inclined to hold your hand and wipe your tears. Love isn’t always pretty and warm, sometimes it’s cold and it hurts but if you can weather those storms, you will come out the other side stronger than ever.   
  
Right now, he felt pretty damn strong.   
  
“What are they doing…?” Mathew asked looking over the kitchen bar at where Gilbert was intently watching Kuma and Gilbird.   
  
The bear was lying on the rug, nose to beak with the little yellow ball of feathers. Both creatures stone still.   
  
Gilbert shrugged his shoulders and pulled out his phone to snap a photo or 12 knowing him. “I think it’s a staring contest. Gilbird is totally vinning.”  
  
“I’m not sure that’s fair eh? Do birds even blink?”   
  
Prussia scoffed, “Yes they blink! Gilbird is not soulless creature from the depths! Birds have a concealed eyelid called the nictitating membrane. Like reptiles or fish.”  
  
“Wow…that’s really clever pooh bear (Mathew had picked out a nickname for his boyfriend recently that made Gilbert blush.) How do you know that?”  
  
“Because I am awesome und smart.”   
  
Mathew hummed as he set another dish on the drying wrack. “You googled it didn’t you?”  
  
“Halt den mund…”

* * *

  
 As the song says- time marches on, people learn to forgive and forget. To love a little more and fight a little less.    
  
Meeting still tended to get out of hand but seemed like there was at least a modicum of exertion put in my everyone to contain the lunacy. Canada was also happy to see that his parents were now speaking civilly. Alfred had pulled him aside one day saying that the pair was even attending counseling. That they were really going to try and do this properly this time around.   
  
Of course, being who they were  these personal plans sometimes had a great deal of red tape, both men managed to convince their leadership that while they maybe personifications- at the end of the day they where still people. People who had lived far longer that any of those in charge and would likely continue to live on long after they and their children were but a distant memory. For that reason, shouldn't they be allowed to have their own personal lives outside of duty? Did not soldiers and leaders have families? Wasn't that what all their efforts were truly for- a place to come home at night?   
  
It had been a blessing in disguise that Canada didn't have to worry about similar issues that his parents and brother were dealing with concerning their governments vs. personal relationships. Bittersweet in knowing that as far as the world was concerned- Prussia was a non-entity. They never really touched on the subject though in private conversation. Mathew didn't want to dredge up old ghosts.   
  
All the world they and those around them had put in was finally paying off, building a future they could cherish and finally...after decades of turbulence and pain, being able to look to tomorrow with out thinking to much on yesterday.   
Mathew wasn't the only North American twin reaping the rewards of hard work.  
  
Things in Alfred's home were looking up, his boss – while not wild about his new relationship, was a kind enough man to leave personal matters personal. Giving only a small word of advice to “be careful with your heart son, you only have the one.” It was gracious advice that made the nation smirk at the old mans familial term, consider Alfred was more that twice his boss's age. Still, he nodded thoughtful and saluted like a good soldier, replying a snappy “Thank you Sir.”   
  
Russia had less luck, he knew what he would get if he suggested his new “friendship” with the younger nation was anything more than a friendship.   
  
Alfred hadn't minded, “I don't care what anyone else thinks, you know who I am to you and you know who you are to me.” He'd told the older man with a sweet kiss between Ivan's ash blond brows.   
  
Since the incident at China's home, the two had sat down and had a long honest conversation. They spoke about the past and their pain, Alfred had never thought Ivan would open up to him so easily. In a way, it proved to him what he meant to the man.   
  
Anyone can love the beautiful parts, it takes a bit more strength to love the grotesque ones. Ivan had a lot of hideous, broken little parts in his heart. No wonder it wasn't fond of staying in his chest.    
  
Sitting in the silence of Alfred's Virginia home they dredged up the old filth laden skeletons of the past and arranged them out for judgment. “I'm no angle big guy, trust me when I say I'm the last person who would judge you.” He said, knowing that was the one thing that Ivan had been afraid of most.   
  
When you open yourself up to another person you are, in essence, handing them a loaded gun and leaning into the barrel. Ivan was giving him all the power to say “ I can’t...You're too much of a monster and you disgust me.”  However, the younger man didn't . Alfred just took his hands and kissed the old scars and calluses.  
  
In turn, Ivan had listened to the things that his sunflower kept hidden. He was surprised at points of the cruelty and impress by the strength of will the young man had to keep moving forward. Yeah, they all had bones in the backyard.    
  
From then on, no one would be able to say 'you don't really know him..You don’t know what he's capable of' to either of them. There was a beautiful kind of freedom in that. The slate between them was clean.  
  
  
  



	30. Chapter 30 - Love me back to life

Gilbert stared down at the muted beige tile floor of the hospital waiting room. It was to early for this shit… what he would not give for a beer right now and a fat stack of pancakes. On the other hand, maybe just to be home in bed like a normal person…stupid Hungry and her stupid baby deciding to be born at like 2am.  He is blaming Austria for this.  
  
“Here Hun have some coffee.” Matthews sweet voice comes from somewhere to his upper left. Looking up at the smiling Canadian wearing his sweatshirt. It was hot not the coffee, ok the coffee but also the Canadian wearing his awesome clothes.   
  
The black hoodie with large block lettering that said ‘What has two thumbs and is Awesome! This guy!’ with large cartoonish hands pointing to whoever wore the fantastic piece of apparel.   
  
Thanks America. This was a winning gift for sure.   
  
“Ja, Danke birdie.”  He said taking the proffered Styrofoam beverage. Looking across the way at Germany and Italy - both half-asleep on an ugly vinyl sofa in a similarly ugly shade of sage. “How can any one be that comfortable here?” He remarked before taking a sip of the hot drink.   
  
Thankfully, the coffee was not too bad. It was enough to keep his eyes open and that was the challenge. Prussia still didn’t see why it was so important for all of them to be here. He and Mathew flew in two weeks ago since it was so close to Hungary’s due date. Of course, Austria’s offspring was 3 days late before decided that the ball sack of nighttime was the perfect time!  
  
Family…what can you do right? 

* * *

  
About 5am, Austria was rolled out in a wheelchair sporting a bloody nose. Apparently the idiot saw a little too much and dead fainted face first into the side of the hospital bed. Prussia thought this was extremely amusing until the nurse asked if another member of the family could come and support the mother.    
  
“Not it!” he shouted everyone looking incredulously at him “Vhat? I said it ja…you vere all thinking it!”  
Surprisingly, Italy happily volunteered and skipped off into the delivery room. They all just sat there wondering how long it would be until there was a repeat performance featuring a passed out Italian - yet there wasn’t.   
  
Germany stood up a while later and tried to be less than conspectus and peek in through a narrow pane of glass on the door. Sure enough, Feliciano was still standing and holding Elizabeta’s hand. Sometimes Ludwig forgot that bravery wasn’t really about battlefields and gunfire. It was anytime life became difficult, it was being there when the moments really matter.   
  
Across the room, Prussia was deep in a bag of vending machine chips with his now sneaker free feet in Matthews lap. The blond in question was passively reading some sports highlights on his phone. “ Gil..”   
  
“Ja?” Prussia looked up, nacho dust smeared on his hands and pale face.   
  
Canada stifled a giggle before clearing his throat. “You ever thought about kids? Ya know just that whole family thing?”  
  
The albino thought for a moment, licking the orange deliciousness off his thumb. “I don’t know, I mean I raised west. Didn’t do too shit of a job- if I do say so myself. Und I do, look how huge und awesome he is.” Gesturing to the big blond currently working on a crossword.  “So ja, maybe.”    
  
Matthew smiled to himself, “I like kids, though I’d want to do it right eh? Get married first, find a nice place in town near some schools. The cabin is great but really far out there you know?”   
  
This conversation was getting a lot more serious than Gilbert had anticipated and he needed more sleep for this. Thankfully, his fumbling brain was saved by the bell, okay not so much a bell as an ear splitting demon shrieking -aka- a baby. 

* * *

  
  
Austria had managed to pull himself together in time to hold his brand new daughter. They all gathered around and Hungary looked so beautiful despite having just squeezed a small form out of her body and into the world. Right now, none of that mattered. Their lands and laws, the economy, conflicts, everything felt secondary to the little squirming bundle before them.  
  
“She’s-a beautiful Bella!” Italy crooned, reaching over to pet a single dark brown curl  that lay between the little girl’s eyes.   
  
Germany agreed, looking down in wonderment. Maybe one day this would be true for them, maybe..provided Romano didn‘t declare war at the first mention of a child. “Ja, She is.”  
  
Prussia however wasn’t just looking at the baby and her proud new parents, he was watching Canada and the way his smile lit up looking at the tiny newborn. He was thinking about what they talked about - the house in town, a fenced in yard, walking distance to a good school. Gilbert was thinking about how Mathew would look in a tuxedo with hair pulled back. He was thinking of pushing a little girl with long silvery white pigtails in swing, or a little boy with sunlit curls.   
  
“Ja…beautiful” 


End file.
